To Ghost or Not to Ghost (Dating Honesty)

You could be getting to know a guy, only talking to him for a couple of days but it’s the weekend so he’s rushing a date you’re not really sure you want to go on yet. Or after talking for a bit you realize you’re not really interested in him, but you both already talked about your mutual love of tacos and a date was hatched days ago when you were more open to the idea (and you just can’t resist tacos).

There are two ways to get out of a date you don’t really want to go on. You either make up an excuse or be completely straight forward. Although I think it’s good to be honest and not lead someone on, some people do not accept no as an answer. Then there’s confrontation that could lead to you being guilted to go on the date anyway!

I’ve been on both sides of ghosting. Sometimes you’re both on the same page, the messages back and forth have become sporadic and you’ve both lost interest but you’re being polite in conversation. Some times I ghost you because I don’t want to hurt your feelings, you’re a nice guy with a solid job but our conversations have been bland and we just don’t have the chemistry. There’s nothing wrong with you so I don’t want you to start thinking that there is or resenting being told that you’re a ‘nice guy’. Other times I ghost you because I don’t want to deal with the backlash of your butt hurt feelings. You telling me how high you are at work everyday. We have different ideas of what fun is and I’m beginning to question how you’d handle life and stress in the future. I ghost you because I don’t want confrontation or to be bullied just because we’re not really a great match.

I get why people hate being ghosted though. You thought everything was going well and suddenly nothing. You wonder where it went wrong, if there was just a misunderstanding that could be worked out, what’s wrong with you that he left, or was it just that he found someone better? It’s arguably one of the worst dating etiquettes to break because it can really tear down someone’s self worth. It could be the reason someone gives up on love and the reason they stop loving themselves.

The thing is though, maybe the reason he leaves is the reason another man stays. Should you be constantly molding yourself, cutting off limbs so that you will be to his liking? You’re not meant to fit into everyone’s perfect match checklist box. And it’s a heavy burden to take responsibility of everyone’s self esteem. Just because someone leaves doesn’t mean you have to devalue yourself.

So ghost or not ghost, you’re still a person of worth.

PC

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Tequila on the Line

well it’s been a rough week

and I’m rather thirsty tonight

so I’m gunna call up my girls

and we’ll tear up the night

I didn’t call to say I missed you

I didn’t call to say I love you

I don’t want you back

I don’t want your body lying next to mine

no I didn’t call you up

It was tequila on the line

But what I do have to say to you is

I hope you’re hurting like hell

With the town gossip saying ‘he isn’t doing so well’

I hope you’re ready to come back begging on your knees

Because you can’t stand another sleepless night with me in your life

And I hope tequila calls me up tonight sayin

I called to say I missed you

I called to say I love you

I want you back

I want your body lying next to mine

It’s me on the line

-March 2014

PC

A Good Partner

“I want someone who can talk about their feelings with me

who wants to spend their free time with me

who says and shows how much they care about me.”

And to make sure you really understood, I said

“I want someone who would watch my house at night

to make sure it didn’t burn down

because they forgot to blow out the candle after we say goodnight.”

And in your eyes I knew you remembered

that love you didn’t have for me.

 

-May 2017

PC

Paying for the Ex’s Mistakes

I’ve developed a bad defense mechanism over my dating history. I tend to stay away from guys who are in the same profession as my exes. My motto has become: If one of you is a liar then all of you are liars!

That’s not really fair to make that stereotype but it’s a way to keep my heart safe. I’m on guard of you immediately if you suit up the same way as he did. Of course, all it took was one guy to break my trust and it would only take one guy that stays to break this stereotype and fear I have.

I’ve also started asking potential suitors “name three words that describe you”. It’s a good way to get to know what a person is really about but it’s also another defense mechanism. If anyone mentions stubborn as a character trait, it’s an immediate red flag. Perhaps regardless of my dating history, stubborn would be a red flag for most people since it signals someone who is uncompromising because their way is the only way. But I instantly close up because I’m not going down that road again (even if it was only in my mind).

I’ve paid for other’s mistakes as well, like when I broke Different‘s trust in a seemingly innocent act of looking through social media. Stubborn has also told me that I remind him of his ex. I didn’t ask in what ways but let’s be honest, she’s an ex for a reason and you don’t willingly dive back into the past.

The thing is no two people are the same and just because it didn’t work out with him doesn’t mean I shouldn’t open up to someone similar in the future. It’s Stubborn’s history that stops him from making a new future and I need to stop carving down the same path.

It just takes one person to prove they’re not all the same.