Do You Date the Guy You Know You Won’t Marry?

If you’re in a crunch and don’t have time to read, the short answer is No.

 

I mean yes, sure you could date him as long as you both know the deal: that it will eventually end so that you can each marry someone else (if you happen to choose that marriage is for you).

But that leads to a lot of IFs:

IF you catch hard feelings then it will be much harder to let things end later down the road.

IF you (or him) are counting on you changing your mind about your deal breakers.

Or you’re hoping he’ll change his mind, which is also a big IF.

I’m sure there are plenty of stories you might hear about loving someone so much that the deal breakers don’t matter or they just find a way to make it work. Those stories are definitely real and definitely happen. But even those relationships take a lot of hard work, communication, and compromising. And let’s face the facts, those are rare relationships and most of us aren’t that lucky.

If you don’t think you’re going to marry him, then you probably aren’t going to marry him. You can continue to date him, trying to convince yourself that you can make it work long term. You might succeed, you probably won’t. I might sound a bit too harsh but I’ve been here before. I’ve been the one looking for an answer that will make me love the guy I don’t truly love. Yes, I care for him, yes we have good conversation or good sex (fill in here whatever it is that makes you want to keep dating him), and yes he’s good for me. But if I really, really loved him, I probably wouldn’t have been on the Internet looking for answers. And you wouldn’t either.

Now if you also answered yes for when I said he was good for me, then I’m going to assume you and I have a lot in common. You probably tend to date assholes (the Cheater, the Liar, the One who Couldn’t Commit – I’m sure you know at least one of them), undervalue yourself, and jump from guy to guy looking for that real love.

Well, Honey the good news is you’ve come along way if you’re now able to recognize a guy who is actually good for you, respects you, and supports you. This guy might not be The One and you probably still have some work to do for yourself but I’m confident the right one will come along when you’re ready. Until then, live your life, continue to date that guy or don’t, order that 5th margarita or don’t, sleep in on the weekend or don’t. Just try your best to judge yourself less for the past and honor yourself more for the future.

You have a lot of love to give, and any guy of your past or future is lucky to experience that love, but it’s time you gave that love to yourself.

16 comments

  1. I’ve always been the frame of mind that as long as both people are good with the arrangement, then you can go with it. Unfortunately, sometimes we convince ourselves that we’re good with something we are not. So, the only way to avoid it is to know (& love) yourself.

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    1. I totally agree, as long as both adults know the arrangement and have the same expectations then they can do whatever they want. There’s just a lot of factors and feelings that complicate things most times and lead to someone getting hurt. Thank you for commenting!

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  2. This is so beautiful. Am going through the same things right about and it’s heavy to get out from. Thank you for sharing..

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  3. I think maybe it also depends on age. When I was a teen, the church people tried to drill into me that you only date with intent to marry… I felt that was flawed and that the purpose of dating is to feel things out, get to know each other, and as a youth: practice relationships. Sometimes people find that one right away and sometimes they don’t… but as teen I did consider each boyfriend as to whether he might be one I could have a future with… but even when I decided “No” I didn’t end the relationships based off of that. There was still fun to be had, still learning and experience to gain. I think this can work well into at least the early 20s…

    However; once you and your potential partners start getting older the likelihood of at least one of you thinking/hoping for a marriage increases and it’s not fair to continue a relationship if you feel it’s not going anywhere.

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    1. Yeah, I definitely agree relationships when you’re young are about practice, growth, and learning. I completely agree that age and where people are in their lives are important factors to consider. Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment!

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  4. So true – why be keep yourselves occupied with a guy you’ll never end up with rather than being available to meet someone with no deal breakers, who you might love and want to marry.

    Don’t waste time girls.. there’s plenty of guys (including myself) who’d love to try to not break good deals with you.

    Nice post, thank you.
    #newfollower

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  5. This is so beautiful.. very relatable to how I think. But I think his not the one.. am sure of that! Thank you for This post

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  6. Pingback: LOL That Time I Seemed like the Crazy Girl No One Wanted | Debatably Dateable

  7. It’s strange how you stumble across things at exactly the perfect time. Sometimes you really want something to work even though your head tells you that practically it cannot. It’s not always about love.

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