Just Friends

In one of our many fights where I tried to get out of this half -in, half -out, half -ass relationship, I demoted (or properly label) our ‘relationship’ to texting buddies. Stubborn would (yes, you guessed it) stubbornly tell me that we are friends (as if that would make me feel better). That particular label really rubbed me the wrong way for a number of reasons:

Desire to Date: Mainly, the fact that I wanted to date Stubborn and he was reminding me that wouldn’t be happening because he only wants to be my friend. It’s a harsh blow to the ego when you realize some emotions are only one -sided.

Friends Don’t Kiss: Of course, if he did only view me as a friend then we would have never kissed. And from what he’s told me, he doesn’t just kiss anyone. So either kissing me was a mistake or he’s suppressing the feelings associated with those kisses. And I think we all know you can’t make the same mistake twice…

Hey There Jealousy: But if it was a just a mistake and not a choice then neither of us would get jealous when we talk about the opposite sex. I used to try to make Stubborn jealous to see if he cared by telling him about boys from class or bars or whatever. The problem was that Stubborn was better at the game than me (I like to think I’ve stopped playing this game as a sign of my own maturity, but it was probably because I was no good at it). A true Capricorn avoiding his feelings like they don’t exist, Stubborn could keep his cool long enough to then mention whichever girl was in his vicinity and I would be the green- eyed monster. If I was the only jealous one then why would Stubborn make the effort to bring up girls?

Friends Actually Hang Out: Funny enough, he could never really check to see if my stories were real or just a hoax to make him jealous because we didn’t really hang out. Obviously, we’ve kissed but neither event was a common occurrence. And he had time to see his actual friends weekly so I felt cheated being called his friend but never getting to see him like the rest of his friends could.

Worse than an Ex: Since I am only Stubborn’s friend, he is still single and could possibly find a girl worth dating. No girl (or guy if I was to find myself a respectable suitor) would be comfortable with our friendship and the amount of access we have to one another. In fact, I didn’t tell my past suitors about Stubborn, which probably says a lot in itself (for the two guys I considered getting serious with, I would tell Stubborn that I couldn’t talk to him anymore. And then a few weeks would go by and things wouldn’t work out and I would be back- don’t worry I’m judging me too). An ex has already been tried and burned and we know exactly why a second round would not work out. Stubborn’s new girl might view the friendship with me as a potential relationship that could be explored at any time and that’s why it’s even worse than a relationship with any ex.

And that is why I call B.S. on Stubborn’s ‘friends’ theory. Although, if I’m out calling B.S. I’ll have to admit defeat too. We’re probably not ‘texting buddies’ either (see reasons above). What we are, are two people denying their emotions because it’s safer that way. But if Stubborn and I thought a lack of commitment would keep us safe, well, we were seriously wrong.

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37 comments

  1. Apologies for the lack of eloquence in the following statement, but Stubborn sounds like a bit of a douche! 😂 I’ve been in a situation similar to this some years ago. I’ll name her User. User spent some time abroad and, from what I could gather, I was the only one who thought to stay in touch because I was getting comprehensive updates. When she returned we spent a fair amount of time together. I’d always drive to her; a good forty-fifty mile round trip, but that didn’t matter to me. She was interesting, beautiful, well-travelled and intelligent so well worth the jaunt. She seemed into me too…that was until her friends who hadn’t given a shit suddenly made a reappearance. That was when the arms shot out and she kept me at that length. Suddenly not only was I not good enough to be a partner, but I wasn’t good enough to be a friend either. Messages and calls went ignored, all the while her Facebook posts of great nights out were abundant. In the end I sent a message saying goodbye, removed her as a Facebook friend and deleted her number. She hasn’t made a single attempt to contact me in the five years since. The sad thing is that I’d probably forgive her if she did and attempt to build a friendship again. Oh well, such is life…

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    1. Yikes, I’m sorry that happened. I do kind of wish that might happen to me. I’d rather lose Stubborn than be just his friend. I’ve tried to leave Stubborn twice now but once I went back to him and the other he came back to me.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I said five years, but I meant six. I’m glad she’s gone. User was an awful person and nobody needs that influence in their lives. She’d been through some really tough times and had decided it was time to grab life by the balls. What I didn’t realise she meant was that she’d steamroller anybody along the way. I was perhaps the first casualty. The best thing you could do is rid yourself of this awful person once and for all. Become a stranger to him in the same way User has to me

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      2. Yeah, it was a REALLY tough time. She was really poorly. Practically vegetated for a while, so I really didn’t begrudge her wanting to take life by the horns. But there was no excuse for her treatment of me. Stay strong! Don’t allow this a-hole to worm his way back into your good graces. You’re better than that!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I was in what you would call a FWB relationship (friends with benefits). We had made this agreement and I went with it because I’m naive. I remember I tried to make him jealous. I was texting another guy and he got a hold of my phone and texted the guy, “hey this is her man. Stop texting her.” It worked but we were still “friends.” It’s been four years since we made that agreement and now we are finally trying to jump into a relationship. I don’t know why I stuck around so long and i don’t know why he did as well. But I’m glad that we were able to finally get past the “friends” stage and label it for what it truly was. A relationship.

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    1. Haha I’m glad he got jealous and called himself yours! I think things like that would have kept me interested for 4 years too. I wonder the same thing, like if he’s not really interested then why is he not leaving? I’m glad you guys are finally making that step too!

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      1. Maybe he is interested. My guy is someone that is horrible with feelings. I found that out when he finally expressed his feelings. Maybe Stubborn is like that. He struggles with his feelings. Most guys are. They think it makes them weak, it doesn’t it makes them more of a man. Four years is a long time and I couldn’t seem to just leave after all the history we have together. I hope you guys can finally make it work.

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      2. Hah Stubborn is horrible with feelings and I would agree that he’s interested. I just don’t think he’s interested Enough. I don’t think I’m asking for a lot, I just think he’s not ready. I think you and your man are probably the exception! Also how did you handle your friends? I imagine most aren’t supportive if they know you’re super awkward and saw some guy not locking you up!

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      3. Most guys are, which makes it frustrating. He may be interested, but like I said, it may be hard for him to express them.
        Honestly, you don’t have to worry about what you friends think. All my friends were supportive, except for one (we are no longer friends and I wrote a lengthy post as to why, if you’re curious). My other friends, still ask me about him and how we are. Those are the ones that care, they are in relationships themselves. I am someone who keeps my love life to myself. It’s no one’s business honestly if you think about it like that.

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      4. Guys think by avoiding their emotions that they just go away and that’s not the case! Lol so frustrating.
        I will definitely check out that article! I have a post coming out next week about judgmental friends. I totally agree that relationships should be private. They last longer that way. And plus friends aren’t reading all the text messages and getting all the feels lol

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      5. Exactly lol. Four years later, here we are. Same feelings and all. Thanks! I will definitly check yours out.
        Relationships should be private, that’s kind of how I have managed to keep this going for so long because I don’t allow anyone into my business. It’s my relationship. I only discuss what I want.

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      6. Ultimatums do not work. In any instance really. It’s not fair and quite frankly they do not resolve anything. If you talk to each other, you will never have to ultimatiums. We have never gotten to the point where we need to use I hope that makes sense.

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      7. Yeah I don’t think they work either. And I think I would leave before giving one. Some girl was trying to use one on a reality show I watch lol. I agree communication is much better

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      8. Reality shows are the worst place to get dating advice from lol. It’s all about compromise. Ultimatiums are when you make someone choose one between two options. Just talk to them and make a compromise. It’s that simple lol.

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      9. I can’t seem to get into it lol. I will never understand. Exactly. Don’t make them choose, that’s what makes or breaks the relationship. It may turn out the way you want it or not, but it always ends up unresolved.

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  3. How about you find a guy who’s actually interested in you instead of being hung up on one who’s blowing hot and cold, stringing you along and playing mind games. Stop wasting your time waiting for a guy to grow up, grow a pair, mature, or decide what he wants.

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  4. Whoa… Not all guys ignore their feelings. Look at Luke Skywalker! No, seriously, not all Capricorns ignore their feelings. This is more of a challenge to you than an attraction. I don’t think you like this guy at all.

    But, I know nothing, so I could be wrong.

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    1. Yeah Stubborn avoids feelings like a defense mechanism, I’m sure there are many Capricorns who have healthier coping mechanisms and don’t have to ignore their feelings. I shouldn’t have generalized like that.

      You definitely bring up a good point. All of the crushes I’ve harbored on for years were because I had more feelings for them and I was trying to show them how great and date able I was. The guys who have liked me back made love really easy and I didn’t have to try hard at all. And maybe that didn’t make sense to me. Thanks for the comment, Jon Snow lol

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      1. Sometimes it hurts anyway, but if that gets worked out quickly, it’s a very good relationship.

        For fun, sometimes I read blogs by people who serial date for fun and prizes, so to speak. Wow, you can learn a lot about casual vs. serious, and good but not clicking vs. Run Away!

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  5. I would take a step back and reduce contact. I think guys will notice and make the effort only if they are truly interested. If he doesn’t then he’s probably not considering this a romantic relationship, more of a thing he has going on in the background? Guys seem to be able to detach easily without much emotion. Sadly for us. (2am rambling may not be very concise. Apologies lol)

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  6. Just want to say – I know the feeling. Sometime asking friends and family is great but only you know what you want out of it. Guys think differently about everything. Reduce contact – definitely works. Hope what ever you does work out.

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