Just Friends

In one of our many fights where I tried to get out of this half -in, half -out, half -ass relationship, I demoted (or properly label) our ‘relationship’ to texting buddies. Stubborn would (yes, you guessed it) stubbornly tell me that we are friends (as if that would make me feel better). That particular label really rubbed me the wrong way for a number of reasons:

Desire to Date: Mainly, the fact that I wanted to date Stubborn and he was reminding me that wouldn’t be happening because he only wants to be my friend. It’s a harsh blow to the ego when you realize some emotions are only one -sided.

Friends Don’t Kiss: Of course, if he did only view me as a friend then we would have never kissed. And from what he’s told me, he doesn’t just kiss anyone. So either kissing me was a mistake or he’s suppressing the feelings associated with those kisses. And I think we all know you can’t make the same mistake twice…

Hey There Jealousy: But if it was a just a mistake and not a choice then neither of us would get jealous when we talk about the opposite sex. I used to try to make Stubborn jealous to see if he cared by telling him about boys from class or bars or whatever. The problem was that Stubborn was better at the game than me (I like to think I’ve stopped playing this game as a sign of my own maturity, but it was probably because I was no good at it). A true Capricorn avoiding his feelings like they don’t exist, Stubborn could keep his cool long enough to then mention whichever girl was in his vicinity and I would be the green- eyed monster. If I was the only jealous one then why would Stubborn make the effort to bring up girls?

Friends Actually Hang Out: Funny enough, he could never really check to see if my stories were real or just a hoax to make him jealous because we didn’t really hang out. Obviously, we’ve kissed but neither event was a common occurrence. And he had time to see his actual friends weekly so I felt cheated being called his friend but never getting to see him like the rest of his friends could.

Worse than an Ex: Since I am only Stubborn’s friend, he is still single and could possibly find a girl worth dating. No girl (or guy if I was to find myself a respectable suitor) would be comfortable with our friendship and the amount of access we have to one another. In fact, I didn’t tell my past suitors about Stubborn, which probably says a lot in itself (for the two guys I considered getting serious with, I would tell Stubborn that I couldn’t talk to him anymore. And then a few weeks would go by and things wouldn’t work out and I would be back- don’t worry I’m judging me too). An ex has already been tried and burned and we know exactly why a second round would not work out. Stubborn’s new girl might view the friendship with me as a potential relationship that could be explored at any time and that’s why it’s even worse than a relationship with any ex.

And that is why I call B.S. on Stubborn’s ‘friends’ theory. Although, if I’m out calling B.S. I’ll have to admit defeat too. We’re probably not ‘texting buddies’ either (see reasons above). What we are, are two people denying their emotions because it’s safer that way. But if Stubborn and I thought a lack of commitment would keep us safe, well, we were seriously wrong.