There are so many articles on the Internet about not wasting time on guys who don’t pursue you honestly and whole –heartedly from the start. Since these articles are mostly for women written by women, it nearly makes sense that all the blame seems to be on the guy. We assume it’s always the guy with the commitment issues and his inability to open up that causes him to ruin relationships. We assume the women have no hang ups of their own that would make them unready for a relationship.

Of course, I agree that these men are emotionally unavailable and it’s highly unlikely that they will be in a relationship with anyone anytime soon. But I also think we’re fooling ourselves if we think we’re nothing but innocent bystanders in this. Why are we picking these men? Do we hope to fix them? Do we see something in them that resembles ourselves? Are we not ready for love and just trying to project the blame somewhere else? Are we really just trying to fix ourselves?

If you want the perfect man then you also have to be flawless, which is unrealistic! Perfect does not exist. Relationships are about accepting flaws and how flaws work well together. While others say he’s too restless to settle down, she is excited by his sense of adventure. Some try to say she’s too demanding but he admires the way she loves life so fiercely.

Maybe we attract those that are similar to ourselves. We’re compassionate for flaws we recognize in others. We treat others as kindly as we wish we could treat ourselves. I try to be open -minded and understanding when a guy is opening up to me about a scar of his because I fear someone judging my scars harshly. When I met a guy with intimacy issues, I know not to push him too quickly because I know how easily I scare away too. And perhaps sometimes I think, “if I work on his issues, maybe mine can go away too”.

We are all flawed (despite what Beyonce sings) and we will always be flawed, but that doesn’t make us unlovable. It just takes the right person to see your stars when everyone was seeing an empty sky.


  1. I think that it comes down to what imperfections in the other person are acceptable to us. If we think that we can change the man/woman later on, then we’re on a fool’s errand. Expectations can be crushing when the other person can’t live up to them.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. And some really try to do this..
        I have seen it..
        that’s when it’s a fools errand..

        I have a saying that was told by my mom…
        “Everyone comes with some flaws.. just make sure to choose the one with whose flaws you can live with and accept..”

        Liked by 3 people

  2. I was speaking to somebody recently and said about how people get with others seemingly with the aim to mould them into what they want. They like the outer layer; now they want to tinker with the insides so that they work to their specifications too.
    The worst are those who claim to love the person they’re trying to change. Sorry; just no!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Absolutely not. As you say, you’ll naturally change if the love is real without the behest of your partner. Enforced changed means that they don’t want to change; therefore the love isn’t genuine. And yet you see it happen all the time! Tragic!


  3. Love that last line..
    that is so true and real to every relationship..

    I do agree how we women make out men to always be the bad egg… and you are so right about us trying to justify our own flaws by pointing fingers on these men…
    great observation and analysis of the fact..
    we should all step back and look 👀 at us. And see and recognize our own flaws and give these men a break.. and instead of walking away.. try to understand them..


    1. Thank you!
      Yeah, I think sometimes people try to hide their flaws behind the flaws of others. It’s obviously much easier to blame someone else than take responsibility for your own issues so I get it but I think more people need to be self aware.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. True V..
    but it’s always worth the try..
    you never know when you might make a great connection …
    We may not need to change the person.. we might just realize we love him just as is..


    1. hahah me too girl, no worries! If anyone’s been reading along with my blog and thinks I never tried to change Stubborn they’re sadly mistaken. We’re learning now not to try and change our men, we’re improving ourselves

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Beautifully written! I completely agree with this–I think the secret to finding love is to stop looking for the perfect person who will fix us and start accepting the flaws in ourselves and in others.

    The flip side of this is when you choose a perfectly imperfect partner, you have to ask yourself whether you can live with their unique set of issues. For me, an inability to commit is a dealbreaker. Maybe this person will change later, but you can’t change another person or expect the change to happen on your schedule. You have to take them as they are–and accept an uncommitted relationship–or let them go.


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