I agree that he might have just meant that being on an app for so long is discouraging for anyone, myself included actually because I tend to take 3-5 month long breaks after being on dating apps for 2 or so months. I decided to go for the dramatic answer and I’ll explain why. I believe the ease of having so many available suitors at your fingertips, the anonymity behind a screen, and the ability to use filters so you can build your perfect soul mate with precisely the characteristics you want attracts emotionally unavailable and immature people.
You don’t have to take every date so seriously when there’s 5 other messages waiting for you after dinner. If there’s just one thing you don’t like then on to the next one. People don’t put in real effort because of this. There’s no vulnerability and we can easily hide from our emotional issues. Blame it on someone else when things don’t work out once again.
I actually know a couple whom met on Tinder and are now engaged! And Mr. Romantic was from Tinder so there are definitely emotionally ready people on dating apps, they’re just hidden gems.
I am, of course, lumping myself into being emotionally unready. I have yet to have a real, serious relationship but I’m young so I can’t complain much. But I do believe that I now fear that type of intimacy. I’ve been hurt by caring too deeply for the wrong people, imagine the kind of heartbreak if it doesn’t work out after a long, genuine relationship! I’ve been on dating sites for 2 years and all past suitors have left, of course I’m a bit scarred that it will happen again. That I will be left again.
Without a doubt, this is always the gamble for anyone looking for love. You have to risk getting hurt. I am not the only one who has been left, the only one to experience heartache, and I won’t be the last. I just have to try really hard to not let my insecurities and fears stop me from taking the risk. I was very conscious of that with Mr. Romantic and I made a lot of personal strides during my time with him (Heck, I’m nearly 100% positive he would agree).
So that brings me to my next point, I can’t date someone that I don’t see a future with. I’m not sure how other people do it but if I know there is a serious issue that will make us part paths down the line then why get attached and make ourselves hurt that badly? The odds are not in my favor for finding my future husband in my early twenties online. So that leaves me single, unfortunately. And on dating apps for two years…
I’m with you on the fearing intimacy thing. (I just refuse to get close to anyone unlike you.) I wish you the best in overcoming your fears. 🙂
I date (well, dated past tense since I’m currently in a relationship) for fun. But I have a different perception of dating & relationships since separating from my husband of 13 years.
I have to like the guy, yes. He has to have at least one amazing quality for me to keep seeing him. I date to assess compatibility.
But I know now from experience that there’s no such thing as “the one” and a happy ever after with one person is unlikely. Life happens. Growing together with one person at the same rate is difficult. So, my intent is to enjoy as much of life as possible, and to enjoy each relationship for as long as I can. If my current relationship with Hayden lasts for the rest of my life, I will be happy as a clam… but I don’t necessarily expect it to.
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That’s a very interested theory on relationships. I do completely agree that growing together is incredibly difficult and it is a wonder if relationships aren’t supposed to last a lifetime. Perhaps as I grow older i will explore this more. Thanks for the new perspective!
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Your last paragraph is the one that convinced me you’ll be fine. As my wife taught our daughters, “Never date someone who couldn’t be your mate!”
Julie and I will celebrate 32 years of marriage in March. It hasn’t always been easy, but we never stopped trying. It’s all about True Love. Just in case just in case you don’t know what True Love really is, try this – https://jeffreyhking.wordpress.com/2014/04/13/true-love-5/
I see what you mean about dating apps – almost too much choiceo ut there! Once upon a time you had to make do with whoever would dance with you at the end of a night out. Now you have dozens of people to choose from, how can you not be paranoid someone better might be a swipe away?
Interesting and friendly examination of how to be single – great blog!
Thanks for the follow, all the best