Paying for the Ex’s Mistakes

I’ve developed a bad defense mechanism over my dating history. I tend to stay away from guys who are in the same profession as my exes. My motto has become: If one of you is a liar then all of you are liars!

That’s not really fair to make that stereotype but it’s a way to keep my heart safe. I’m on guard of you immediately if you suit up the same way as he did. Of course, all it took was one guy to break my trust and it would only take one guy that stays to break this stereotype and fear I have.

I’ve also started asking potential suitors “name three words that describe you”. It’s a good way to get to know what a person is really about but it’s also another defense mechanism. If anyone mentions stubborn as a character trait, it’s an immediate red flag. Perhaps regardless of my dating history, stubborn would be a red flag for most people since it signals someone who is uncompromising because their way is the only way. But I instantly close up because I’m not going down that road again (even if it was only in my mind).

I’ve paid for other’s mistakes as well, like when I broke Different‘s trust in a seemingly innocent act of looking through social media. Stubborn has also told me that I remind him of his ex. I didn’t ask in what ways but let’s be honest, she’s an ex for a reason and you don’t willingly dive back into the past.

The thing is no two people are the same and just because it didn’t work out with him doesn’t mean I shouldn’t open up to someone similar in the future. It’s Stubborn’s history that stops him from making a new future and I need to stop carving down the same path.

It just takes one person to prove they’re not all the same.

 

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14 comments

  1. Yes, I think it’s unfair to say all guys with so and so profession are the same. But it is kind of funny, because I found myself subconsciously doing that just a couple weeks ago – a guy that started talking to me on my lunch hour had the same profession and lived in the same area of the city as an ex.

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  2. This is incredible. Human nature for much of what you wrote. Some of it actually holds truth, I will say that. But this “It just takes one person to prove they’re not all the same.” this is the most spectacular part.

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    1. I’ve read the mind tends to categorize things and people in order to free up thinking space. Constantly observing your surroundings requires a lot of energy so we stereotype to lessen the burden. So even though its probably something we shouldn’t do, our mind subconsciously wants to. And yea, Amen to that right? Just give me the one good guy in my life.

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      1. I’d believe that. Categorizing things allows us to focus on what’s important to us at a given time. As for a good guy in your life…truth is there’s no such thing. Primarily we (guys) are driven by instinct. And with instinct comes impulse to follow what we crave. But that’s not to say we don’t have good parts to us. Men as with women can’t be categorized into good and bad. That would imply total innocence and total evil. Conclusion: We f*ck up more often than most would like to admit so it’s easy to be labelled the bad guy, with some labelled the good guy..until they (the good guys) inevitably – due to stereotype and tradition – also turn bad. That being said; nah, we’re not all the same. (insert smiley face here)

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      2. Funny, I think there are plenty of girls that mess around more often than they admit and probably a lot of guys that don’t mess around nearly as much as it seems they might. Society and stereotypes have really done a number on us all huh? But I agree, non one can be categorized as totally good or totally evil.

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  3. Protecting yourself and your heart is not a bad thing. However, not all men are evil. While the describe-yourself-in-3-words game can be a good ice breaker, as well as teach you something about the other person, it is not without its faults. First of all, it’s the same with job interviews – you feel stressed, under pressure, wanting to perform well, but not being sure what the interviewer really wants to hear. So you end up saying something rehearsed, or something silly and forget about other important things.

    You said “stubborn” can be a red flag for you. Keep in mind that the explanation behind that choice can shed some more favorable light on the guy. Or he might perceive himself as stubborn, but he will be so into you that he will only be that way with others.

    There is no perfect recipe for success in the dating world. Follow your gut, learn from mistakes and keep your horizons expanding.

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    1. You’re right, it’s definitely a defense mechanism to stereotype that all men are the same and /or evil. Asking such an ice breaker could lead to hearing an answer you think they’d like rather than being more honest that’s for sure. You bring up really good points about how that question falls short and to not write someone off just based on that question.
      It’s also interesting how people view themselves vs how the rest of the world sees them. They could think quite poorly of themselves and only concentrate on the negatives. And yes, it’s every girls dream to have a guy be different for her or treat her special.
      You give excellent dating advice!

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