Author: debatablydateable

September Throwback – smoke, pills, and alcohol

Always told you can never do anything right

so you smoke until everything feels light.

You self sabotage with pills and alcohol

afraid you’ll prove him right and fall.

Forgetting everything else in that brilliant mind

because his hatred has made you go blind.

You self medicate with pills and alcohol

numbing the pain so you can finally sleep instead of bawl.

scared if you see your dad, you’ll lose control and brawl.

August Throwback – Why You Can’t Be Friend With Your Ex

When a relationship ends rather amicably, it makes it harder to really sever the ties. For my situation with Mr. Right, it was a logical decision to end things, not an emotional one. So it took longer for the emotions to align with our minds. It’s confusing trying to be friends with your ex. You read into conversations more, rethink how things could have been, and still crave that intimacy that is just out of reachnow.

When you break up, you have to establish new friendship boundaries and that’s not something that easily happens over night. I’m not saying you can never be friends with your ex. I’m just saying that taking a break after a break up is extremely helpful in the healing process. Not taking time apart just delays the hurt and the loneness. You need some closure on that part of the relationship in order to open up the door for friendship again.

You have to remember that you can still do things on your own just fine and that you were never dependent on someone else. You need time to mourn the relationship as it was. If you don’t take this time, it could lead to ending the relationship but still hooking up for physical intimacy. Or perhaps you’re trying to persuade him back into a committed relationship. It’s a sticky situation when you’re just hooking up when feeling so emotionally attached. You’re putting yourself right in the line of fire to get your feelings really hurt.

It also makes it really difficult to move on and become emotionally available again when you’re in constant contact with your ex. If you’re still texting all hours of the day and you go to her when you hear great or terrible news, then you’re probably still kinda dating.

Relationships are complicated and break ups even more so. You don’t have to try to date someone new. But if a break up did happen then it might be a good time to reflect on yourself and the relationship. Figure out what you really need and want from your significant other and think about if your ex can really be that person.

This time of closure and reflection is all about you. So being friends with your ex while trying to sort out your own emotions makes things cloud and confusing. Allow yourself some solitude and clarity before reforming a relationship/friendship with your ex again.

July Throwback – He’s Different

So I’ve met someone new!

I’d like to put a disclaimer first saying this post is just about acknowledging and celebrating his differences, not a declaration of he’s the one. I’m not that delusional. (It’s only been a couple of weeks, let’s not get ahead of ourselves just yet).

I would also suggest to others not to compare your current suitors to boys of your past but since when does anyone ever follow their own advice?

So what does my new guy do that the others haven’t?

First, he’s not afraid to call them ‘dates’! We’re not just hanging out, not staying in, and not just grabbing food. It’s a date. In the past, I’ve avoided saying the word ‘date’ because I was worried it would freak the guy out a little bit. It’s very refreshing that he’s so comfortable with the word and the concept.

So I’ve been on a quite a few dates. Enough dates that I started avoiding meal dates and would purposely try to plan activities like bowling and mini golf. So I’ve done most date activities by now and it’s pretty difficult to surprise and impress me. He did both.

First off, he actually planned them himself! This has never happened to me before. It’s always been a back and forth of naming a few suggestions that are of equal distance between our two locations, then narrowing them down. Then I pick the day and give some options for the time we should meet up. It’s a very long process and some guys were so passive that it was like pulling teeth trying to figure out a place that we would actually both enjoy.

Secondly, there’s usually the waiting game of when you can ask about the next date because you’d don’t want to come off as too available and desperate. He doesn’t play games. Monday night he asks me if I have plans for Saturday and when I say no he says great because he has a surprise. He plans TWO different date options in different envelops allowing me to read both once he’s picked me up from my house and pick the one I want to go to that night. AND both options were activities I had never done before, which honestly must have been a stroke of luck. I was so impressed with the planning, the originality and creativity of the date ideas that were able to surprise me!

The final way in which he is different so far stems from his dislike of small talk. He likes to explore new topics and talk about interesting things. He’s also not afraid to talk about uncomfortable topics. You know how you steer away from your insecurities and issues for the first month or three (lol) of dating to make sure they like your positive attributes first before learning about your difficult traits? That didn’t happen with us. If you’ve read along with my blog over the past few months then you’ve heard me mention my intimacy and abandonment issues.

Well, somehow they came up during our first date and he asked me about them so we’re pretty bare to each other already. I appreciated that he didn’t shy away from the hard stuff even if I hadn’t been planning on talking about it for a while. We’re going to be jumping into this already knowing the deep secrets you usually hide. And it actually made our second date a lot easier.

Usually, I’m anxious thinking about the things I haven’t told my suitors yet, wondering if they’ll view me differently after, or if they’ll think it’s too much work to put up with. Instead, I could be fully honest with him. I didn’t have to think about how I was going to avoid the whole truth without lying or think about how I would tell him the full story later on. And there were more and more things he got to learn about me because I wasn’t so worried about being judged.

So he’s different and I like it. And I’m curious to see more of his differences and were that takes us.

June Throwback – Love the Artist not the Art

Im not a painting, a gallery, nor a museum.

My textures are not on for display, you do not have permission to touch.

My colors are not for you to stare and talk about.

I’m not something you visit or pass by.

Don’t delude yourself into thinking I’m something easy to leave

Only a fool loves something for the way it looks.

Do not love me for my Art but for the Artist behind the canvas.

The art changes as She continues to create more art

Love me and I will create beautiful art for you every day, forever.

May Throwback – 300 followers Q&A

2021 Current: In August when I’m closer to my 5 year anniversary I’ll do a short Q&A to try to highlight how things have changed and progressed over the years.

Feb 17, 2017: I was so thrilled to hit 300 followers that I’m going to suggest the idea of a Q&A for March! I don’t know how interested anyone is in hearing more about me but we’ll see how that goes! So write your question in the comments below or on the Contact page.

Questions can be anything your heart desire’s! -random, specific, blog related, personal, theoretical, whatever! (We all know I love to talk about love so that’s fair game too!)

And I’ll be sure to link your blog in my Q&A post if you happen to ask a question!  Thanks so much and hope to hear from you!

Dating A CoWorker

Dating someone from work is…. Messy. To start off, if you happen to be reading the vibe wrong and pursue someone who isn’t interested then things at work will definitely get awkward with that rejection. The next obstacle is work’s policy about relationships. You may have to sign forms or it could be forbidden depending on the department or if one of you holds a superior position. Signing a document two weeks into a relationship would make just about anyone nervous. Or if work relationships are forbidden there’s added pressure on the relationship to know if it’s really worth losing your job over. Lastly, if your position titles are unbalanced any career achievements could be judged as ‘sleeping to the top’.

If I haven’t stressed you out enough yet then let’s skip right into the relationship. You’re starting a new relationship already spending the majority of the week with this person. So after spending the whole day together now you’re going to go have dinner or some other date plan. A relationship like this can definitely burn out quickly.

So say the relationship has burned out. Now you still see that person EVERYDAY at work. Maybe you’re both part of coworkers that all get lunch together every day, now what? Does the group split in half, are you left all by yourself, do you suffer through a group lunch with your ex every day? Dating a coworker is extremely complicated and there are a lot of obstacles to overcome. Of course, all relationships have their obstacles so a relationship with a coworker isn’t all that different.

So if you’re going to pursue this guy then the first thing I would work on is one on one time. Whether it be texting, lunch at work, or a light hearted hang out outside of work you want to build a special bond between the two of you. You can test the waters on how he may be feeling about you and express that you are interested in a relationship with him. Once you two have talked about those romantic feelings and are on the same page, you can progress in the dating stage.

Can’t Get Dating App Offline

Reasons she might not want to meet up:

She’s just not into you

She likes the attention and is stringing you along

She’s hung up on her ex / they’re back and forth on trying to work things out

She’s starting seeing someone else and is waiting to see if they’ll be exclusive soon

Whatever the reason, things aren’t going to work out and you might want some pointers on 

How to Move on:

Get a Definite Answer

Unfortunately you have to suffer a little pain to get through it. You need a direct answer from her that she is not interested and you guys will not meet. If this doesn’t happen then you will always wonder if now is a better time for her. You need to be able to some fantasizing about a relationship you could have had. She needs to stop that in its tracks with a solid NO. 

Make sure you’re not exclusively talking to her. 

You need to take your mind off her and also unload all your eggs from her basket. Invest some effort into a few girls so you’re not so heartbroken when one doesn’t work out. One girl will make you realize how easy it is to start dating someone when they’re truly into you. 

Refocus on work, a hobby, working out. 

You need to untangle a bit from the online world and realize your value outside of relationships. Focus on you and bringing things back into your life that you enjoy. A happier you is a more attractive you! Your friends will be happy to see you off your phone and laughing with them.

Can Guys and Girls just be friends?

I absolutely think guys can be friends with girls without expecting the friendship to turn into something more. Bisexual people are attracted to both male and female genders but that doesn’t mean they want to date every single person they meet. Just because a straight guy is attracted to straight women doesn’t mean he’ll be attracted to his female friend. It’s a flawed logic to think guys and girls can’t be just friends.

I do think the more you get to know someone the more attached and attracted you become to them. You’ll relate to them and feel a connection, sometimes loneliness can muddle that up into romantic feelings. In fact other people in your lives will also start picturing the two of you as a couple. 

The influence of those around you will also muddle your thoughts. May you find yourself sometimes staring at your friend’s beauty? Yes. May you sometimes wonder if you guys would work out as a couple? Yes. These thoughts are probably inevitable. 

The catch is here that you don’t act on these thoughts. You know you two are good friends and you don’t really see yourself pursuing it. The thoughts pass and you continue on with your merry friendship. If this friendship was going to progress, it probably would have already by now.

When Your Friend has a Crush on You

Unfortunately, there’s not really a way to go back now that the cats out of the bag. The friendship conversation doesn’t just make emotional feelings disappear. You’ll probably always wonder if he’s reading more into a conversation or if doing certain activities together remind him of things a couple would do.

So as far as what to do, I do think a little bit of distance might help him get over you for the time being. You can see how things are going over the next few months but I wouldn’t be surprised if there are some outbursts of “i don’t even like you like that anymore” or “i’m so over you stop thinking that”. If that’s the case then he’s probably not over you. 

Overall, i think it was best that he told you how he truly felt. He no longer has to wonder what could be and will hopefully stop idealizing this imaginary relationship with you. Years ago, I had been on his side of things and getting that definite answer that it would never be nothing more than a friendship really snapped me out of it. I stopped putting effort into the friendship and that’s when I realized how little he had been giving me.  

No matter what you try to do or how you handle this friendship, he probably will not get over you until he sets his eyes on someone else. So if there’s any way for you to help out in that area, I say go for it.