Author: debatablydateable

December Throwback – 2017 Q&A

Hey Guys, I had a lot of fun with this! Thanks for the questions and I hope you enjoy getting to know a little bit more about me!

How did you get into poetry?

I actually started when I was maybe 12 or so? I don’t know how, I just remember writing during class and hiding it from friends looking over my shoulder. I’ve tried to stop writing a few times but it’s just a passion that has a mind of its own. I ended up reading an original poem in front of my freshmen class, then submitted poems for the High School literacy magazine (which I didn’t tell anyone about beforehand), and then took two college courses on poetry. It was that last poetry class that I finally thought I may actually be kinda good at it.

What’s the best compliment you ever received ? Bexoxoblog

Wow this is an amazing question and like super difficult to answer hah. For my personality, I’ve been called genuine before which I appreciate people noticing because I value honesty so highly. The other type of compliment I consider great is when people compliment my work and creativity. My poetry is a very vulnerable insight to me so any compliments on it hit deep. And being in a class with other poets and receiving their praise was really surreal.

Which dating app do you like the best?

I think any dating app can be what you make it. You can look for causal fun on Okcupid/match and you can find a serious relationship on Tinder.  In fact, I know an engaged couple that met on Tinder. But for now I’m finding the best quality to be on Bumble. If we looked at stats though, I found 3 of my guys from Okcupid and the other from Tinder.

What’s your writing process?

Some posts come very easily, so fast my fingers can barely keep up. Those are the best kind of posts. The other kind take much longer, sometimes sit half way done for a month or longer till I can come back to it with more material. Either way, I schedule my posts 4-6 weeks after they have happened in my life. It’s interesting to see how things change. For example, I wrote Consequences a week or so before He’s Different was even published. So I knew the harsh ending and yet felt like I should still share the hopeful beginning.

Favorite season and why? Kirascribbled

My favorite season is Spring! It’s just after the cold, dark winter and it really just lifts your mood to have the sun on your face. You appreciate the warmth so much and everything is blooming. It also usually meant school was nearly over and summer was on it’s way, so that was another plus growing up.

Why do you like to blog?

For starters, its cool to get more and more followers and have random people from my life tell me they read my blog and compliment it. Second, I share my inner thoughts in order to help someone else feel more normal, less alone, and to connect. So getting comments from you guys and hearing how much you relate really makes it all worth it (Even if it is embarrassing when my dad starts quoting break up posts at the dinner table)!

For the guys that are in your blog, how do they feel about it?

HAHAHAH I knew this question was coming. So Mr Right knows about the blog and has read it. I think he liked it and perhaps it cleared some things up for him? Plus he’s an amazing guy and I think I wrote about him positively so, I think he’s okay with it..? (Also ladies, he’s still single so hmu!)

I told Stubborn I had a blog, but I don’t think I told him he was in it. He never asked about it nor mentioned that he read it so I really have no idea. His friend might have read some of it? It would probably be for the best if he doesn’t read it since I only really complain about the issues I had with him..(He obviously has some positive qualities, things are never so black and white-they just don’t make it into the posts much, Sorry Pal).

And since Different is most recent (although short lived), I’ll mention him. He read the blog and even read his first article before it was published and before things ended between us. He knew he wouldn’t be able to get me to take it down and he also thought it was really sweet. I learned that he’s super private though (actually the reason he ended things kinda) so I’m sure he’s not thrilled with it and I bet he would like to offer his side of things to how it all ended (if he ends up reading it..).

The way I view these guys is not reality, its just my version of reality. I am one person but I bet they would all view me differently than one another so I cannot define their personalities, just as they can’t define me. And I try to keep a level of anonymity for them.

What’s the most important thing in maintaining a healthy relationship? TheOriginalPhoenix

I love getting asked relationship advice from friends because of the irony haha. But the first thing that instantly came to mind was Communication, and then more Communication! You need to tell your partner things you like and dislike, your future goals, and your values. Issues will certainly not go away by ignoring them (Biggest lesson Stubborn needs to start learning) and not telling your partner how your feeling is a sure way of getting hurt.

The second thing that came to mind was Respect. Respect for each other, for personal growth and space, and for each other’s compromises. It’s important to maintain your individuality which means you won’t always agree on everything. Even during these times, its important to remain honest and talk through issues so that successful compromises can occur and the relationship can maintain a healthy balance.

What’s your favorite poem and article on your blog so far?

I mean I can’t pick just one… So I’ll try to do a top 3

Poems:

Love the Artist not the Art -Half this poem sat around for months before I found a place for it and it turned out beautifully.

Hear No Evil, See No Evil, Speak No Evil -I just thought I was clever with this one lol.

When the Salmon Rots -This one I wrote in college, we had to speak to all 5 senses and I was just impressed with how well it flowed.

Posts:

Step Up or Step Away – I like how this ended up being a message of strength and control, how you have the ability to step away from a relationship/situation that isn’t deserving of you.

Am I Single or Not? – Majority of my article have a theme, I start talking about a relationship with a guy and end up talking about how the issues are rooted by the relationship I have with myself. I think it’s a great lesson, key to self awareness, and this article is a good example of that.

(I can’t pick a third, feel free to leave your favorite in the comments!)

Are you currently seeing anyone?

HAH, I’ll say this, no one worth writing about just yet..

Thank you for the questions and taking the time to read my responses, this was fun! I appreciate all of my followers and their comments ❤

November Throwback – Loving Love

The beginning of love is so thrilling. You’re learning all these new things about someone. You’re connecting with someone on many different levels. The possibilities of the future are exciting and bright.

The first time your hands touch, the date that lasts 6 hours, the first kiss, and all the butterflies and sore cheeks from smiling at text messages all day long.

I love hearing about when a guy friend has met a new girl. How nervous she makes him, how adorable he thinks she is, and when he asks for advice on when he should go for the first kiss. This had happened around the time when things were really ending with Stubborn. The excitement and respect the friend had for this new girl right away made it so blatantly obvious that I was settling on the wrong guy (Hilarious irony, it was actually Stubborn’s friend who made me realize Stubborn wasn’t right for me, not my friend).

He knew he had found someone special and he wanted to make sure he did everything right so she would like him enough to stick around. I needed someone who realized my worth and put in the effort.

I’ve experienced the beginnings of a new relationships a few times. It’s fun, exciting, and new. As great as it is, I can’t wait for that part to be over. I want the comfort and security of a long, deep love. A love where it’s safe to share my deepest fears and dreams. You no longer do things to be polite or impress them, you pick up their favorite ice cream just because you care. You wear the same oversized t-shirt every night and fall asleep by midnight on Saturdays. You share every laugh, tear, and burp together.

You watch each other grow and struggle as you plan a future together.

That’s what I can’t wait for.

May Throwback – Crazy Girl

I agree that he might have just meant that being on an app for so long is discouraging for anyone, myself included actually because I tend to take 3-5 month long breaks after being on dating apps for 2 or so months. I decided to go for the dramatic answer and I’ll explain why. I believe the ease of having so many available suitors at your fingertips, the anonymity behind a screen, and the ability to use filters so you can build your perfect soul mate with precisely the characteristics you want attracts emotionally unavailable and immature people.

You don’t have to take every date so seriously when there’s 5 other messages waiting for you after dinner. If there’s just one thing you don’t like then on to the next one. People don’t put in real effort because of this. There’s no vulnerability and we can easily hide from our emotional issues. Blame it on someone else when things don’t work out once again.

I actually know a couple whom met on Tinder and are now engaged! And Mr. Romantic was from Tinder so there are definitely emotionally ready people on dating apps, they’re just hidden gems.

I am, of course, lumping myself into being emotionally unready. I have yet to have a real, serious relationship but I’m young so I can’t complain much. But I do believe that I now fear that type of intimacy. I’ve been hurt by caring too deeply for the wrong people, imagine the kind of heartbreak if it doesn’t work out after a long, genuine relationship! I’ve been on dating sites for 2 years and all past suitors have left, of course I’m a bit scarred that it will happen again. That I will be left again.

Without a doubt, this is always the gamble for anyone looking for love. You have to risk getting hurt. I am not the only one who has been left, the only one to experience heartache, and I won’t be the last. I just have to try really hard to not let my insecurities and fears stop me from taking the risk. I was very conscious of that with Mr. Romantic and I made a lot of personal strides during my time with him (Heck, I’m nearly 100% positive he would agree).

So that brings me to my next point, I can’t date someone that I don’t see a future with. I’m not sure how other people do it but if I know there is a serious issue that will make us part paths down the line then why get attached and make ourselves hurt that badly? The odds are not in my favor for finding my future husband in my early twenties online. So that leaves me single, unfortunately. And on dating apps for two years…

September Throwback – smoke, pills, and alcohol

Always told you can never do anything right

so you smoke until everything feels light.

You self sabotage with pills and alcohol

afraid you’ll prove him right and fall.

Forgetting everything else in that brilliant mind

because his hatred has made you go blind.

You self medicate with pills and alcohol

numbing the pain so you can finally sleep instead of bawl.

scared if you see your dad, you’ll lose control and brawl.

August Throwback – Why You Can’t Be Friend With Your Ex

When a relationship ends rather amicably, it makes it harder to really sever the ties. For my situation with Mr. Right, it was a logical decision to end things, not an emotional one. So it took longer for the emotions to align with our minds. It’s confusing trying to be friends with your ex. You read into conversations more, rethink how things could have been, and still crave that intimacy that is just out of reachnow.

When you break up, you have to establish new friendship boundaries and that’s not something that easily happens over night. I’m not saying you can never be friends with your ex. I’m just saying that taking a break after a break up is extremely helpful in the healing process. Not taking time apart just delays the hurt and the loneness. You need some closure on that part of the relationship in order to open up the door for friendship again.

You have to remember that you can still do things on your own just fine and that you were never dependent on someone else. You need time to mourn the relationship as it was. If you don’t take this time, it could lead to ending the relationship but still hooking up for physical intimacy. Or perhaps you’re trying to persuade him back into a committed relationship. It’s a sticky situation when you’re just hooking up when feeling so emotionally attached. You’re putting yourself right in the line of fire to get your feelings really hurt.

It also makes it really difficult to move on and become emotionally available again when you’re in constant contact with your ex. If you’re still texting all hours of the day and you go to her when you hear great or terrible news, then you’re probably still kinda dating.

Relationships are complicated and break ups even more so. You don’t have to try to date someone new. But if a break up did happen then it might be a good time to reflect on yourself and the relationship. Figure out what you really need and want from your significant other and think about if your ex can really be that person.

This time of closure and reflection is all about you. So being friends with your ex while trying to sort out your own emotions makes things cloud and confusing. Allow yourself some solitude and clarity before reforming a relationship/friendship with your ex again.

July Throwback – He’s Different

So I’ve met someone new!

I’d like to put a disclaimer first saying this post is just about acknowledging and celebrating his differences, not a declaration of he’s the one. I’m not that delusional. (It’s only been a couple of weeks, let’s not get ahead of ourselves just yet).

I would also suggest to others not to compare your current suitors to boys of your past but since when does anyone ever follow their own advice?

So what does my new guy do that the others haven’t?

First, he’s not afraid to call them ‘dates’! We’re not just hanging out, not staying in, and not just grabbing food. It’s a date. In the past, I’ve avoided saying the word ‘date’ because I was worried it would freak the guy out a little bit. It’s very refreshing that he’s so comfortable with the word and the concept.

So I’ve been on a quite a few dates. Enough dates that I started avoiding meal dates and would purposely try to plan activities like bowling and mini golf. So I’ve done most date activities by now and it’s pretty difficult to surprise and impress me. He did both.

First off, he actually planned them himself! This has never happened to me before. It’s always been a back and forth of naming a few suggestions that are of equal distance between our two locations, then narrowing them down. Then I pick the day and give some options for the time we should meet up. It’s a very long process and some guys were so passive that it was like pulling teeth trying to figure out a place that we would actually both enjoy.

Secondly, there’s usually the waiting game of when you can ask about the next date because you’d don’t want to come off as too available and desperate. He doesn’t play games. Monday night he asks me if I have plans for Saturday and when I say no he says great because he has a surprise. He plans TWO different date options in different envelops allowing me to read both once he’s picked me up from my house and pick the one I want to go to that night. AND both options were activities I had never done before, which honestly must have been a stroke of luck. I was so impressed with the planning, the originality and creativity of the date ideas that were able to surprise me!

The final way in which he is different so far stems from his dislike of small talk. He likes to explore new topics and talk about interesting things. He’s also not afraid to talk about uncomfortable topics. You know how you steer away from your insecurities and issues for the first month or three (lol) of dating to make sure they like your positive attributes first before learning about your difficult traits? That didn’t happen with us. If you’ve read along with my blog over the past few months then you’ve heard me mention my intimacy and abandonment issues.

Well, somehow they came up during our first date and he asked me about them so we’re pretty bare to each other already. I appreciated that he didn’t shy away from the hard stuff even if I hadn’t been planning on talking about it for a while. We’re going to be jumping into this already knowing the deep secrets you usually hide. And it actually made our second date a lot easier.

Usually, I’m anxious thinking about the things I haven’t told my suitors yet, wondering if they’ll view me differently after, or if they’ll think it’s too much work to put up with. Instead, I could be fully honest with him. I didn’t have to think about how I was going to avoid the whole truth without lying or think about how I would tell him the full story later on. And there were more and more things he got to learn about me because I wasn’t so worried about being judged.

So he’s different and I like it. And I’m curious to see more of his differences and were that takes us.

June Throwback – Love the Artist not the Art

Im not a painting, a gallery, nor a museum.

My textures are not on for display, you do not have permission to touch.

My colors are not for you to stare and talk about.

I’m not something you visit or pass by.

Don’t delude yourself into thinking I’m something easy to leave

Only a fool loves something for the way it looks.

Do not love me for my Art but for the Artist behind the canvas.

The art changes as She continues to create more art

Love me and I will create beautiful art for you every day, forever.

May Throwback – 300 followers Q&A

2021 Current: In August when I’m closer to my 5 year anniversary I’ll do a short Q&A to try to highlight how things have changed and progressed over the years.

Feb 17, 2017: I was so thrilled to hit 300 followers that I’m going to suggest the idea of a Q&A for March! I don’t know how interested anyone is in hearing more about me but we’ll see how that goes! So write your question in the comments below or on the Contact page.

Questions can be anything your heart desire’s! -random, specific, blog related, personal, theoretical, whatever! (We all know I love to talk about love so that’s fair game too!)

And I’ll be sure to link your blog in my Q&A post if you happen to ask a question!  Thanks so much and hope to hear from you!

Dating A CoWorker

Dating someone from work is…. Messy. To start off, if you happen to be reading the vibe wrong and pursue someone who isn’t interested then things at work will definitely get awkward with that rejection. The next obstacle is work’s policy about relationships. You may have to sign forms or it could be forbidden depending on the department or if one of you holds a superior position. Signing a document two weeks into a relationship would make just about anyone nervous. Or if work relationships are forbidden there’s added pressure on the relationship to know if it’s really worth losing your job over. Lastly, if your position titles are unbalanced any career achievements could be judged as ‘sleeping to the top’.

If I haven’t stressed you out enough yet then let’s skip right into the relationship. You’re starting a new relationship already spending the majority of the week with this person. So after spending the whole day together now you’re going to go have dinner or some other date plan. A relationship like this can definitely burn out quickly.

So say the relationship has burned out. Now you still see that person EVERYDAY at work. Maybe you’re both part of coworkers that all get lunch together every day, now what? Does the group split in half, are you left all by yourself, do you suffer through a group lunch with your ex every day? Dating a coworker is extremely complicated and there are a lot of obstacles to overcome. Of course, all relationships have their obstacles so a relationship with a coworker isn’t all that different.

So if you’re going to pursue this guy then the first thing I would work on is one on one time. Whether it be texting, lunch at work, or a light hearted hang out outside of work you want to build a special bond between the two of you. You can test the waters on how he may be feeling about you and express that you are interested in a relationship with him. Once you two have talked about those romantic feelings and are on the same page, you can progress in the dating stage.

Can’t Get Dating App Offline

Reasons she might not want to meet up:

She’s just not into you

She likes the attention and is stringing you along

She’s hung up on her ex / they’re back and forth on trying to work things out

She’s starting seeing someone else and is waiting to see if they’ll be exclusive soon

Whatever the reason, things aren’t going to work out and you might want some pointers on 

How to Move on:

Get a Definite Answer

Unfortunately you have to suffer a little pain to get through it. You need a direct answer from her that she is not interested and you guys will not meet. If this doesn’t happen then you will always wonder if now is a better time for her. You need to be able to some fantasizing about a relationship you could have had. She needs to stop that in its tracks with a solid NO. 

Make sure you’re not exclusively talking to her. 

You need to take your mind off her and also unload all your eggs from her basket. Invest some effort into a few girls so you’re not so heartbroken when one doesn’t work out. One girl will make you realize how easy it is to start dating someone when they’re truly into you. 

Refocus on work, a hobby, working out. 

You need to untangle a bit from the online world and realize your value outside of relationships. Focus on you and bringing things back into your life that you enjoy. A happier you is a more attractive you! Your friends will be happy to see you off your phone and laughing with them.