Dating Blog

To Ghost or Not to Ghost (Dating Honesty)

You could be getting to know a guy, only talking to him for a couple of days but it’s the weekend so he’s rushing a date you’re not really sure you want to go on yet. Or after talking for a bit you realize you’re not really interested in him, but you both already talked about your mutual love of tacos and a date was hatched days ago when you were more open to the idea (and you just can’t resist tacos).

There are two ways to get out of a date you don’t really want to go on. You either make up an excuse or be completely straight forward. Although I think it’s good to be honest and not lead someone on, some people do not accept no as an answer. Then there’s confrontation that could lead to you being guilted to go on the date anyway!

I’ve been on both sides of ghosting. Sometimes you’re both on the same page, the messages back and forth have become sporadic and you’ve both lost interest but you’re being polite in conversation. Some times I ghost you because I don’t want to hurt your feelings, you’re a nice guy with a solid job but our conversations have been bland and we just don’t have the chemistry. There’s nothing wrong with you so I don’t want you to start thinking that there is or resenting being told that you’re a ‘nice guy’. Other times I ghost you because I don’t want to deal with the backlash of your butt hurt feelings. You telling me how high you are at work everyday. We have different ideas of what fun is and I’m beginning to question how you’d handle life and stress in the future. I ghost you because I don’t want confrontation or to be bullied just because we’re not really a great match.

I get why people hate being ghosted though. You thought everything was going well and suddenly nothing. You wonder where it went wrong, if there was just a misunderstanding that could be worked out, what’s wrong with you that he left, or was it just that he found someone better? It’s arguably one of the worst dating etiquettes to break because it can really tear down someone’s self worth. It could be the reason someone gives up on love and the reason they stop loving themselves.

The thing is though, maybe the reason he leaves is the reason another man stays. Should you be constantly molding yourself, cutting off limbs so that you will be to his liking? You’re not meant to fit into everyone’s perfect match checklist box. And it’s a heavy burden to take responsibility of everyone’s self esteem. Just because someone leaves doesn’t mean you have to devalue yourself.

So ghost or not ghost, you’re still a person of worth.

PC

Paying for the Ex’s Mistakes

I’ve developed a bad defense mechanism over my dating history. I tend to stay away from guys who are in the same profession as my exes. My motto has become: If one of you is a liar then all of you are liars!

That’s not really fair to make that stereotype but it’s a way to keep my heart safe. I’m on guard of you immediately if you suit up the same way as he did. Of course, all it took was one guy to break my trust and it would only take one guy that stays to break this stereotype and fear I have.

I’ve also started asking potential suitors “name three words that describe you”. It’s a good way to get to know what a person is really about but it’s also another defense mechanism. If anyone mentions stubborn as a character trait, it’s an immediate red flag. Perhaps regardless of my dating history, stubborn would be a red flag for most people since it signals someone who is uncompromising because their way is the only way. But I instantly close up because I’m not going down that road again (even if it was only in my mind).

I’ve paid for other’s mistakes as well, like when I broke Different‘s trust in a seemingly innocent act of looking through social media. Stubborn has also told me that I remind him of his ex. I didn’t ask in what ways but let’s be honest, she’s an ex for a reason and you don’t willingly dive back into the past.

The thing is no two people are the same and just because it didn’t work out with him doesn’t mean I shouldn’t open up to someone similar in the future. It’s Stubborn’s history that stops him from making a new future and I need to stop carving down the same path.

It just takes one person to prove they’re not all the same.

 

How to Make Sure You Won’t get Played

For those out on dating apps there usually comes a question fairly early on that’s “so what are you looking for on here”. It’s a bit tough since you’ve only been chatting a few days and things have been going well enough. You don’t want to say the wrong thing but it’s also dangerous to not be honest.

I always think it’s a bit of a gamble to show my cards first since I have faith in only my ability to be honest even if we end up wanting different things. I’m one of those (perhaps rare) users that is using dating apps to look for a legitimate connection where we both end up deleting the app and getting serious.

In most cases when we end up wanting different things, he has a hard time being direct with me. Instead it’s a “I’m open to where it takes me” or “spending time with someone would be nice”. I’m not sure if he’s trying to trick himself or just me. But eventually he opens up a bit more and says “I’m not really looking for a relationship right now”.

hart really blog

Really, you don’t say…

I’m not mad that he wants something different, I’m frustrated that he couldn’t be more up front about it. I’m mad he tried stringing me along for a little while he was figuring out what he wanted. I’m upset he didn’t respect my needs and instead was hoping I’d change my mind, that I would find him so irresistible that I just had to jump his bones.

bear-no

In his defense for not being honest right away he might say “but you wouldn’t have given me a chance otherwise”. I’d totally admit that he’s right. I don’t see the point in continuing to talk and getting close if it’s never going to go off line. The thing is, if you’re not looking to put in the effort for a relationship why are you putting in all this extra effort trying to convince me that hanging out with you casually will be “fun and worth it”.

So why don’t we just be honest from the start from now on?

 

 

PC

PC

PC

 

 

 

Your Replacement

You could be at a bar, a pizza shop, or in the comfort of your own home. The image will take you by surprise even if you’re safely behind a screen. It’s the first time you see your ex with the new girl. There’s mostly two different camps for the type of emotions that occur upon this sight.

The first camp loathes their ex. They could not get rid of you fast enough! If you very deeply loved someone though, those feelings don’t just go away instantly. So instead they start to hate you with the fire of a thousand suns. They see you with someone new and they think “Thank God he’s not my problem anymore!” These would be the same girls to talk about how ugly her dress is and how her eyebrows are too far apart. Clearly, they’re totally over you..

In the second camp are relationships that ended rather amicably. No hard feelings, it just ended up being a bad fit for one another. You’re happy they found someone better suited for them. You’re hopeful to find the same for yourself with just a little twitch of pain that he found new love before you. But you don’t let yourself get too down because if a guy as great as him loved you then someone else will too.

 

I lied, there’s totally a third camp, it’s the girl who’s still in love with you and her heart shatters into a hundred more pieces as she realizes it truly is over. No one likes to be in that camp. But it’s an honest camp and the scar heals better here than the loathing camp.

Either way, it hurts but you know it was for the best that things ended.

Writer in the Dark

Lorde has finally blessed us with a second album and it concretes the fact that she is a lyrical genius! As a poet myself, I could fawn over her lyrics forever, dissecting lines 5 different ways, each one so beautiful and smart. A song that stood out to me though was Writer in the Dark.

“Bet you rue the day you kissed a writer in the dark”

Writing about my exes as I do on this blog made this message very relatable for me. There are many moments when I battle with my guilt of writing about them. Do I really have to say it like that? Should I not have included when he did this? How would I feel if someone wrote this about me? Will they never want to talk to me again if they read this?

“I’ll love you ’til my breathing stops
I’ll love you ’til you call the cops on me”

I feel deeply, putting my heart and efforts into every experience. I love love, it’s something I desire and have always daydreamed about. So I dwell on my past relationship experiences because maybe if I examine them close enough I will find the hidden map to true love. I haven’t experienced it yet but this is the closest I’ve gotten so far so these are important to me.

“Now she’s gonna play and sing and lock you in her heart”

The relationship is over but memories still play in my mind and I like to write about my theories and emotions.  I enjoy writing, creating a message, and having an audience feel and relate to an emotion. When I write, it’s my opinion, my perspective, how I hurt and feel. But it’s completely subjective, only one side of the story and therefore only half the facts. I think it’s important for an audience to keep that in mind no matter what they’re reading.

I would probably regret this, but I do wish I could read an article an ex wrote about me. I could learn how they viewed the events and what they were feeling. Aside from learning about them, I would hope to also learn something about myself and become more self aware. And maybe I’d feel a bit less guilty once both sides of the story are out.

 

I Think We Should Take a Break

It’s most likely a sentence you never want to hear come out of your partner’s mouth. But you’ve probably felt the disconnect in the relationship and that’s partly what the break is trying to fix.

Time apart helps you realize what you really want in a relationship and what you’re truly able to give to your partner at this time. Some times you need to think things over: Are you both moving towards the same future? Did she break your trust? Unless both people can commit to improving the relationship together then this break usually leads to a break up.

In Modern dating, going on breaks seems to be much more common. I’m not sure why and I don’t exactly think it’s healthy. When couples fight, instead of working through things they just try to end it. But then they can’t so they get back together weeks or just days later. But that’s another post topic itself.

If the relationship norm for you does not include repeatedly breaking up and getting back together than a call for a break could definitely set warning bells off. If you need a break then something is missing. All relationships go through ebbs and flows, you’re not going to be happy with each other 24/7. The difference is that most couples still want to work through it and would rather be upset with you than without you.

Going on a break is like a practice throw so that you’re prepared later to really throw in the towel. But half the time you don’t end up getting back together and what you thought was practice was actually the real deal. If you’re willing to take a break then you’re already willing to take the risk to live without them again.

If you take a break and it leads to a break up then at least you’re not with someone who didn’t really fit with you. If you guys end up getting back together then you both come back with a new found appreciation for each other. It’s a win win situation once you stop crying because you miss your ex.

 

 

PC

If He Acts like He’s Not into You

…then he’s honestly just not into you.

I know every girl wants to believe they can change a man or that they will defy all odds because their love is so strong but that’s a one in a million shot.

If a guy can’t or doesn’t want to make the time to see you, then he just doesn’t actually care enough to make that effort. Sure maybe he’s scared, going through a hard time, or entering a new point in his life that makes him super busy but all that means is that he’s unavailable.

Then there’s the guy that can never take things to the next level. Maybe he says he’s fine being exclusive but then he won’t put a label on it or introduce you as his girlfriend, or at all. This can happen anywhere down the line, together for 3 months or 9 years, you never know where your guy’s invisible intimacy line is. You’ve been together for so long, why can’t he pop the question?

It’s hard to tell what’s worse though, the guy who can’t say those important words or the one who keeps you strung along by promising a non existent future together. I know we’ll be together one day and that’s why you should forgive me for not putting you first now. For me going out with the boys and ignoring you. For me talking to those girls while I’m still young and dumb.

You begin to put up with a lot of crap because you think it will eventually pay off. All you want is to be loved and after you’re with someone for so long you worry you may never find someone willing to stick with you through all the tough times. You’re scared to start over, afraid this is the best it’s going to get, so you settle.

You settle for the guy who’s just not that into you and he settles for you too. He doesn’t see you because he’s wondering if he’ll see someone else. He talks to other girls because he’s unsure if you’re the best he’s going to do. He doesn’t commit to you because he’s worried as soon as he does that the real girl of his dreams will come walking through the door.

That’s why you should be the one walking out that door so that you both don’t settle. Let’s be honest, maybe you’re just not that into him.

 

((This article also works when changing pronouns around, feel free to read it how you identify))