Dating Blog

If He Acts like He’s Not into You

…then he’s honestly just not into you.

I know every girl wants to believe they can change a man or that they will defy all odds because their love is so strong but that’s a one in a million shot.

If a guy can’t or doesn’t want to make the time to see you, then he just doesn’t actually care enough to make that effort. Sure maybe he’s scared, going through a hard time, or entering a new point in his life that makes him super busy but all that means is that he’s unavailable.

Then there’s the guy that can never take things to the next level. Maybe he says he’s fine being exclusive but then he won’t put a label on it or introduce you as his girlfriend, or at all. This can happen anywhere down the line, together for 3 months or 9 years, you never know where your guy’s invisible intimacy line is. You’ve been together for so long, why can’t he pop the question?

It’s hard to tell what’s worse though, the guy who can’t say those important words or the one who keeps you strung along by promising a non existent future together. I know we’ll be together one day and that’s why you should forgive me for not putting you first now. For me going out with the boys and ignoring you. For me talking to those girls while I’m still young and dumb.

You begin to put up with a lot of crap because you think it will eventually pay off. All you want is to be loved and after you’re with someone for so long you worry you may never find someone willing to stick with you through all the tough times. You’re scared to start over, afraid this is the best it’s going to get, so you settle.

You settle for the guy who’s just not that into you and he settles for you too. He doesn’t see you because he’s wondering if he’ll see someone else. He talks to other girls because he’s unsure if you’re the best he’s going to do. He doesn’t commit to you because he’s worried as soon as he does that the real girl of his dreams will come walking through the door.

That’s why you should be the one walking out that door so that you both don’t settle. Let’s be honest, maybe you’re just not that into him.

 

((This article also works when changing pronouns around, feel free to read it how you identify))

 

Do You Stay with your First Love or not?

Some people break up with their first love reasoning they want to see what else is out there and explore themselves. Are these people just using that as an excuse for some underlying reason when trying to save face? My guess would be yes. It’s a cop out of sorts so that you don’t have to tell your partner how dull they really are or how you sadly fell out of love with them.

One of two things usually happen though, either you get validation that you were in the wrong relationship and find someone new or you realize how good you had it with your previous partner and go back to that relationship. In my opinion though, either result is a win for both partners. For the partner, they either get rid of a relationship where they had been taken for granted or renew said relationship being truly valued and cherished.

So the next question is, Is it helpful/healthy/necessary to date more than one person before you get married? Obviously, there are many happy and successful relationships with high school sweethearts and first loves. But I would like to point out how beneficially I think it is to date someone else before really committing to life with someone.

When you only date one person, you don’t really have a frame of reference for what’s normal and healthy in a relationship. In an extreme case, some people have been in toxic and abusive relationships not truly realizing how controlling and manipulating it was to constantly have your phone searched and screamed at for attending a friend’s birthday party until after they dated someone healthier.

When you’ve been with someone for so long to start to think that this is the only person who could ever really love you and that it’s too much effort to start love over again. This is where you start settling out of fear of ending up alone. That’s definitely not a good reason to stay in a relationship.

So maybe it is healthy to explore relationships with other people so that you understand how you function in a relationship and what a heathy partner and relationship look like.

 

Don’t Worry You’re Not as Desperate as You Think (or What I’m Choosing to Believe)

I keep thinking that it might be time to take a break from dating, that the guys must smell the desperation reeking off of me.

I’m looking for a real relationship with a smart, kind man. One with ambition but knows how to relax. One that is also looking for a relationship and willing to show me that effort.

This is apparently a tall order to fill. I am beginning to think I’m asking too much or I’m looking too hard for love.

For one, I don’t think love finds you when you stop looking for it. You have to be open for love but it can’t become your obsession. As long as you maintain your identity by hanging with friends and following your hobbies while dating then you should be able to look for love and find it.

Secondly, I don’t think I’m asking too much of potential suitors, but perhaps I am asking the wrong ones. Dating Apps are becoming notoriously known for casual dating and just a way to pass the time. So finding someone who is looking to really commit has become more than half the battle.

So No, I’m not desperate because I’m looking for something real and long lasting. I just need to start looking in more places and take breaks when the constant left down starts to make dating less fun.

The Dating Curse

I think most daters consider themselves cursed in someway, whether it’s the fact they have so many first dates and rarely make it to the second or they say the conversation of moving in together always ends in breaking things off.

I, myself, am cursed.

Every time I start liking a guy and decide it’s time to delete my dating apps because I’m barely even on them anymore is about the same time that we stop talking. It usually happens within the same week, as if they sense it! With Different it happened just hours later! Am I really bad at reading people’s emotions or is this just bad coincidence?

Maybe they notice a shift, like I’m closing the distance, like this could be turning into something real. If that’s the case then I don’t plan on changing my curse, just the guy.

The issue with curses is that sometimes you fear them coming so much that you wish them into reality. You could get that second date if you stop worrying about what’s wrong with each guy on the first date. And of course having a curse is a good way to place blame. Why does dating keep not working out? It’s the curses fault, if I wasn’t cursed this wouldn’t happen!

If something you don’t like keeps happening, its unfortunately not a curse, but a bad habit. Behavior has to change in order to lift ‘the curse’. There’s no Prince Charming that slayed dragons and saved you from your curse. It was you, your self awareness, and your effort to improve.

Friends or More?

Should you date your friend? Or perhaps more accurately, is it worth the risk to date your friend and possibly lose the friendship if it does not work out?

Lots of solid relationships state that an important component is their friendship. Sometimes they start out as friends and some times they don’t, but always they insist that their significant other is their best friend who they tell all their embarrassing stories, hopes, and fears to. So one might think dating a friend would be a great idea because that aspect is already there and has built a strong foundation.

Of course once you cross that threshold from just friends to more than friends, its near impossible to go back. This has got to be the strongest reason people with crushes on their friends give for not pursing it. They don’t want to lose that friendship and closeness. They would rather have them in their life as a friend then risk becoming closer and then ending up with nothing. Sometimes friends don’t want to mess up the group dynamic by dating or sub consequently breaking up.

The thing is if you’ve naturally floated into the territory of daydreaming about one friend in particular then it may be worth digging into. He already knows your interests and dislikes pretty well. You already know about his bad habits and future plans. If you know all this and still can’t stop thinking about him then it may be time to start pushing the friendship boundary and see if he feels the same way about you.

If you don’t try, you’ll always wonder. You may become self conscious or doubt yourself more if you start thinking, well why hasn’t it crossed his mind yet to date me!? Maybe he didn’t think you’d like him back, maybe he has too much on his plate and wouldn’t be able to give you the effort you deserve. All I know is that it’s an unhealthy mental state to be wondering about all the possibilities and insecurities without any sold facts. It will give you a peace of mind to hear his sides of things no matter the outcome.

 

 

When is it Time to take a Break from Dating?

So you’ve just gotten home from yet another Okcupid date…Your back hurts from sitting all night, your cheeks burn from all the nervous laugh and perhaps fake upbeat smile you’ve had plastered on, and your heart aches because yet again the Dating Gods have let you down.

You were all excited earlier today, you had been text flirting for weeks, thrilled by the potential- a cute local guy with a decent career, talk about a diamond in the rough these days. But all he did was talk about his fancy job and expensive cars, or his exes, or how he gets blackout every weekend. Its been like this for months, years even and you’ve had enough.

Its time to take a break from dating if:

You’re worn out from all the hype and let down of going on these dates. Your self esteem has started to take a beating from all the disappointment. You’re beginning to think there’s something wrong with you instead of something wrong with the connection.

You’ve lost sight of the type of person you’re looking for and have noticed a slip in your standards. (Don’t settle for sexist Mark just because his teeth are whiter than unemployed Joe’s please oh please girl I beg you). Do you remember what you were looking for when you first got a dating profile? Are you looking for someone to settle down with or are you looking for someone to have adventures with?

You keep picking emotionally unstable men, or more you feel like they pick you. Honey, they’re not picking you. It’s time you did some self reflection and find some stability in yourself so you can start attracting it as well. You might be self sabotaging because you’re really not ready for a relationship, its just that all of your girlfriends are in relationships and your grandma won’t stop talking about your ovaries at the dining room table.

Dating has become your hobby. It’s not a hobby, stop trying to make it one. If you’re spending hours browsing potential matches, then flirting, texting, and preplanning multiple evening long dates, then we need to reevaluate how you spend your time. It was always a bummer seeing some of the same profiles as months and months go by, and then realizing they might be thinking the same thing about you, its a sad look in the mirror. Delete the app and go take a walk in the park. Your profile becomes more interesting if you actually do more things, not because of all the extra time you spend editing it.

Hey you might find that cute guy with a decent career at that park. And No, its not because you finally stopped looking. Its because you finally stopped judging profiles with your unrealistic expectations and obsessing over your very move.

 

Should You Give Your Ex A Second Chance?

AKA, Is it a really dumb idea to get back with an ex?

Did you guys give it a fair shot the first time? Or was it more of a relationship that never reached its potential? If you were legit dating for 4-6 months, I’d say that was a solid try and things weren’t meant to be. Your ex is someone of your past for a reason, if it didn’t work out then, it probably won’t work out now.

Did you just break up last month? The feelings of doubt and loneliness are normal, make a date night with your girlfriends and keep on healing. No matter what, its important to let time do its thing and take a solid break.

It might be important to consider why things ended the first time. Did one of you move away, was he just an asshole and you finally got sick of his shit, or maybe you weren’t ready for things to get so serious and bailed.

Unfortunately, things usually aren’t so black and white. There’s usually a few reasons why things didn’t work out, some making you want to try again and others whispering that you’d be a fool to think he changed.

But if you were unhappy in that relationship, don’t let loneliness and a few bad first dates wear you down. Don’t go back and settle because the first couple of months haven’t been easy. Love doesn’t just get handed to you, you gotta fight for it.

Honestly, people rarely change. They can change, they are capable of it. But the majority stay the same. But I think this lesson is meant to be learned the hard way. The heart is emotional and irrational, no logic nor list of his bad habits will save it.

Heck, maybe you should just take him back for one night, flush him out of your system, and then leave his sorry ass in the morning 😛

If he’s matured, if you’re both looking for the same thing, and are on the same page, then maybe the timing will finally be right for you two.