March Throwback – Emotional Cheating

I think a lot of people have different definitions of cheating. Some draw the line at provocative dancing while others only think a full fledge affair constitutes cheating. Some people think different types of cheating are worse than others like if it only happened once or if it was only when drunk and under the influence. The offense seems to be worse when there’s more emotion involved. When it was with a clear mind and happened multiple times with the same person. So why is it that emotional cheating seems to get over looked sometimes?

There’s this delusional belief that if you never meet up in person then you never cheat. Or if it’s not nudes, if it’s not sexual in nature, then it’s not cheating. These things can start innocent enough, just someone in need of a support system. Maybe things are hard with your significant other right now and you just want someone to talk to.

The problem occurs when you stop communicating with your SO. Instead you’re telling all personal issues to this new confidante. You’re no longer only talking to them when you need advice, you’re talking to them when you’re happy, bored, and alone. There’s now a daily connection and although you don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, there’s something stopping you from telling your SO about it.

Would it bother you if your SO didn’t tell you things anymore? Would it bother you if you didn’t know who your SO’s emotional support system was? A support system is a type of relationship if you have to keep it on the down low.

Q&A on Dating Apps

Q&A of all things people who have never been on a dating app might ask! Thanks so much to all those who participated and for reading!!!!

How long do you talk before meeting up?

Of course, all answers will vary here depending on the type of person you ask and the type of relationship they are seeking via these apps. I, personally, never liked to meet the same week that I started talking to someone so the sweet spot for me was around 10 days. This way I could find out what they did during the week (such as school or work) and also what type of weekender they were (from homebody to passed out at the bars). If conversation was flowing and we had similar interests then I would feel more confident that I wasn’t wasting my Saturday evening. Those seeking a more casual relationship would most likely meet up within a few days.

Do you prefer apps or websites?

I prefer websites because they’re easier to browse by offering different search options. On apps you can only swipe, it’s usually based on location (which like how often does the guy of your dreams live across the street from you? And if he does, why did you need an app to find him?), and app profiles usually have less information on them. I’m going to do a dating app review post eventually but my favorite has always been OKCupid.

Have you ever tried speed dating?

Surprisingly, I have not. It’s funny because people who usually don’t like dating apps will say how meeting by chance in real life is much better. If you’re single and looking to date then speed dating is actually a great idea because you’ll find a decent amount of people who are open to relationships all at the same place. Ironically, I’d imagine speed dating to possibly be more awkward/embarrassing than online dating. But hey, different things work for different people.

What is your go to excuse to run out on a date that’s not going well?

Does anyone actually know someone in real life who had a friend fake an emergency phone call to get out of a horrible date? I’ve only heard of such dramatics in the movies but I do know a true story of a guy who said he was going to the bathroom mid date and then JUST LEFT ! The last excuse I used was saying I had a phone interview and had to get back home for that. (Oh and if you want to hear of the craziest excuse a guy used to dump me then you can head over in this direction.)

How do you keep your sanity while online dating and not get overly excited when there’s a small connection?   

You definitely have to delete the apps and accounts from time to time to keep your sanity. It helps you decompress from all the dating nerves/stress, makes you feel in control of your happiness again, and lifts your spirits out of the hopeless dating pool slump. Also, make sure to have a clear idea of what type of relationship you’re looking for and don’t waste your time on profiles you know aren’t a good match for you.

A weird thing that has happened to me a couple of times is the first date going well and then the second date just being terrible. So I think expectations really make or break a date and it’s definitely tough to get excited for dates only for them to let you down. Most app users keep their excitement in check by talking to multiple people to avoid putting their eggs all in one basket. That’s not a fool proof plan though so other ideas are welcomed.

Empty Shelter

If you are tired

Let me lay you down

My hands will murmur soft lullabies

into your hair.

If my feet grow weak

You can carry me.

If the wind and the rain

make you shiver

I’ll shelter you from any storm.

And I’ll be there for you

as you are there for me.

Paying in kisses and gentle words

Take from me as often as you give.

We Should Take a Break

It’s most likely a sentence you never want to hear come out of your partner’s mouth. But you’ve probably felt the disconnect in the relationship and that’s partly what the break is trying to fix.

Time apart helps you realize what you really want in a relationship and what you’re truly able to give to your partner at this time. Some times you need to think things over: Are you both moving towards the same future? Did she break your trust? Unless both people can commit to improving the relationship together then this break usually leads to a break up.

In Modern dating, going on breaks seems to be much more common. I’m not sure why and I don’t exactly think it’s healthy. When couples fight, instead of working through things they just try to end it. But then they can’t so they get back together weeks or just days later. But that’s another post topic itself.

If the relationship norm for you does not include repeatedly breaking up and getting back together than a call for a break could definitely set warning bells off. If you need a break then something is missing. All relationships go through ebbs and flows, you’re not going to be happy with each other 24/7. The difference is that most couples still want to work through it and would rather be upset with you than without you.

Going on a break is like a practice throw so that you’re prepared later to really throw in the towel. But half the time you don’t end up getting back together and what you thought was practice was actually the real deal. If you’re willing to take a break then you’re already willing to take the risk to live without them again.

If you take a break and it leads to a break up then at least you’re not with someone who didn’t really fit with you. If you guys end up getting back together then you both come back with a new found appreciation for each other. It’s a win win situation once you stop crying because you miss your ex.

Second Best

I’ve talked before about ways to know if you’re wasting your time on a guy or not. These guys, for a variety of reasons, are emotionally unavailable. Of course, it’s never so black and white, instead he’s more open and available some weeks or some nights and you think you’ve finally gotten through to him. And then he’s back to his old ways, not making time for you, and you can’t figure out where he truly stands with you. Here are some reasons why a guy might not be making room in his life for you.

They’re focused on their career and don’t have the time to dedicate to a girlfriend right now. It makes complete sense and you can’t really get mad at them for being self aware about their priorities. And it might cause some internal and interpersonal issues when you’re always put second behind their job.

Other times you can feel like you’re being put second to their friends and hobbies. It’s perfectly healthy to split up time between going out with your girlfriend and going out with your friends. It becomes a problem when you tell her you’re too busy to meet up this week and then you complain about how you’re getting dragged out to the bar by your friends. Just because she is understanding and doesn’t pick on you for decompressing at home does not mean she deserves the short end of the stick while your friends get their way. Either make time for her and be fair or stand up to your friends. Or don’t blame your friends when you know you’re always going to want to pick them over your girlfriend.

You ever have a significant other get back with their ex right after you guys break up and then you’re like “oh, now I get it.” Maybe you were just the rebound girl who lasted too long or he was lying to himself when he said he was really over her. You realize once he had the choice to choose between you or her, he chose her. And that breaks your heart, which I completely understand BUT it totally shouldn’t because the guy who doesn’t choose you doesn’t deserve you!

Lastly, it’s a combination of these things but most importantly, he just doesn’t care enough about you to put you first. It doesn’t really matter the reason, just his actions showing you how far down you are on his priority list. Remember how that makes you feel and don’t wait around for a love that will probably never come.

You should be with the guy who doesn’t put you second. You should be with the guy who puts in the effort to see you, the one who smiles when reading your text, and the one who is factoring you into his future because he can’t imagine it without you. That’s the guy you deserve.

You’re worth being put first.

Haunting Memories

I’m memorizing every piece of you

I don’t mean to scare you or be rude

they just keep me company while you are gone.

I can play back a moment or conversation

and you go from my mind to right in front of my eyes

Your scent will linger in every memory

from the watch you wear

to the way your hands feel in my hair,

you’ll haunt me long after you’ve truly gone.

Desperate or Not Settling

I keep thinking that it might be time to take a break from dating, that the guys must smell the desperation reeking off of me.

I’m looking for a real relationship with a smart, kind man. One with ambition but knows how to relax. One that is also looking for a relationship and willing to show me that effort.

This is apparently a tall order to fill. I am beginning to think I’m asking too much or I’m looking too hard for love.

For one, I don’t think love finds you when you stop looking for it. You have to be open for love but it can’t become your obsession. As long as you maintain your identity by hanging with friends and following your hobbies while dating then you should be able to look for love and find it.

Secondly, I don’t think I’m asking too much of potential suitors, but perhaps I am asking the wrong ones. Dating Apps are becoming notoriously known for casual dating and just a way to pass the time. So finding someone who is looking to really commit has become more than half the battle.

So No, I’m not desperate because I’m looking for something real and long lasting. I just need to start looking in more places and take breaks when the constant left down starts to make dating less fun.

Monsters Under the Bed

Insecurity and doubt are monsters

that live in my head.

I introduced you to them last night in bed

Are there any alarms going off inside your head

that think I’m just a different brand of crazy?

An apology scraps the inside of my mouth

but the monsters push another imaginary issue forward.

My naive heart has been betrayed and lied to

and as a last line of defense,

I will accuse you of doing the same.

I must trust you to not slice open

this vulnerable heart if we’re going to last.

He’s Just Not That Into You

…then he’s honestly just not into you.

I know every girl wants to believe they can change a man or that they will defy all odds because their love is so strong but that’s a one in a million shot.

If a guy can’t or doesn’t want to make the time to see you, then he just doesn’t actually care enough to make that effort. Sure maybe he’s scared, going through a hard time, or entering a new point in his life that makes him super busy but all that means is that he’s unavailable.

Then there’s the guy that can never take things to the next level. Maybe he says he’s fine being exclusive but then he won’t put a label on it or introduce you as his girlfriend, or at all. This can happen anywhere down the line, together for 3 months or 9 years, you never know where your guy’s invisible intimacy line is. You’ve been together for so long, why can’t he pop the question?

It’s hard to tell what’s worse though, the guy who can’t say those important words or the one who keeps you strung along by promising a non existent future together. I know we’ll be together one day and that’s why you should forgive me for not putting you first now. For me going out with the boys and ignoring you. For me talking to those girls while I’m still young and dumb.

You begin to put up with a lot of crap because you think it will eventually pay off. All you want is to be loved and after you’re with someone for so long you worry you may never find someone willing to stick with you through all the tough times. You’re scared to start over, afraid this is the best it’s going to get, so you settle.

You settle for the guy who’s just not that into you and he settles for you too. He doesn’t see you because he’s wondering if he’ll see someone else. He talks to other girls because he’s unsure if you’re the best he’s going to do. He doesn’t commit to you because he’s worried as soon as he does that the real girl of his dreams will come walking through the door.

That’s why you should be the one walking out that door so that you both don’t settle. Let’s be honest, maybe you’re just not that into him.

((This article also works when changing pronouns around, feel free to read it how you identify))