battle

Never Meant to be Mine

I know what I should be doing

And that makes it even worse that I’m not.

Everyone around me wants to help

But I’m the one who has to put in the work.

It’s easier said than done

Feels like a battle that can’t be won.

The frustration wears me down every time

Not even sure if the view will be worth the climb.

I feel like peace and happiness are never meant to be mine.
-August 2018

Weeping Hurricane

I’m sorry this is how your life story ends

You cried easily this year

When she showed you her wedding dress you cried

And when i showed you this book, the tears fell again.

The clouds were nice enough to cry the day after you passed.

I wonder if there’s a part of you that’s happy

When you see the wet cheeks of those who love you.

And I wonder if you feel ashamed for feeling that way.
-September 2018

These Roads Aren’t Safe to go Alone

I’m fighting with you

Instead of leaning in

My head’s a mess

I can’t keep this steering wheel straight

I’m forgetting that I have you in the passenger side

I just need someone to hold me

And i know you need it too.

I’m angry at myself for not reaching you sooner

I saw you on the road

You eyes half closed at the wheel

I’m sorry I wasn’t brave enough before

There’s things we can’t sweep under this red hood anymore

We’ll drive together from now on.

-July 2018

10 Ticking Time Bombs in a Relationship

Keeping a relationship going is hard work and there are a number of traps you and your significant other can slip into. CEO from 1 Code Hub asked me what are some issues that could cause future break ups and I’m here with some answers!

Lack of communication  

I’ve answered before that communication is the most important part of a successful relationship. Even with how much you’re communicating now, you could probably always do some more. Communicating can be very tough; there are many different communication styles and it’s easy to read into words and become defensive. You may also be approaching a tough topic and that will make things tense and you’ll be nervous about how vulnerable you feel. Keeping your thoughts and feelings to yourself though will only allow them to fester and can make an issue bigger than it needs to be. This also doesn’t give your partner a chance to give their side and perhaps ease your worries.

Past Issues

There’s a good chance this isn’t your first relationship but even if it is, you’ve experienced hurt through non romantic relationships. You’ve been abandoned, lied to, betrayed, and criticized. In order to protect yourself from getting hurt again, you’ll assume your partner will do these things to you as well until you’ve built up enough trust to let your guard down. This isn’t really fair to your partner to be treated like a criminal from the start. And it doesn’t start your relationship on a good foot either.

Assumptions

A lack of communication and trust issues can lead to a lot of assumptions. Your thoughts and fears will get the best of you. You’ll imagine the worst and your fear will shut you down. This will feed into your self doubt and seeps into the relationship. You’re dooming your relationship before giving it a real chance.  

Social media

There have been a few studies on how Social media has affected the mental health of today’s society and that leaks into your relationships with others. Social media can be detrimental to a relationship due to the comparison it allows. You see other relationships on social media, in love and having fun just after another fight with your boo. You become insecure about your own relationship and wonder why you are both struggling so much right now.

What you don’t see in those smiling photos are all the fights and tears those couples have gone through. I’m always surprised when I learn about disagreements in relationships close to me. How did I not know about the issues they had been facing? They seem so happy and healthy together. Social media makes it difficult to remember that every couple, especially happy ones, still have their issues and face hard times.

Social media also allows you to keep track of your SO and learn a history of things about them early on. A lack of independence and privacy isn’t healthy for even the closest of couples. If you’re stalking your SO to see all the photos they like and become jealous when you find someone attractive. This is something you didn’t really need to learn about as long as there’s no direct contact. There’s a certain about of autopilot when on social media and I’m sure you still find strangers attractive as well. Doesn’t mean you want a relationship with them and the same should be said for your partner.

Involving too many people in your relationship

Every single relationship will have issues arise at some point. It’s at these times that you’ll want to turn to others for emotional support and guidance. Sometimes talking to someone can talk you down from an issue and help you be more understanding when going back to your significant other to talk things out.

The issue is that you’re looking for guidance to make a relationship work but you’re also giving reasons for your friends and family to dislike your significant other. This can make things difficult down the road so try to think of the future even when having current issues. You’re also letting other people’s opinions steer your relationship which doesn’t really involve them. In the end, it’s your relationship, treat it as such. Of course, there will be times when your family needs to step up when your emotions are clouding your judgment too much to take proper care of yourself.

Lack of Support

Ignoring the concerns and struggles of your partner is a recipe for ending up alone. By doing so you’re teaching them that they can’t rely on you for support and you invalidate their feelings. It’s very important to operate as a unit when out with others. You won’t agree with your partner on a number of topics and should voice that if it’s important but you also don’t want your partner to start feeling like it’s them against you and your friends/family. You’re the one who’s close to your family and it’s up to you to stand up to them and defend your partner. This show of support will carry you through some tough times in the relationship.  

Asking for Support Today

I would normally not do this type of post but I’ve been getting much more involved in the blogger community this summer and have seen so much support and made so many connections.

My Aunt was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer last summer and has shown such strength taking on this battle every day. I’ll be participating in a fundraiser walk in just a few weeks to show support to my Aunt and The Lustgarten pancreatic cancer research foundation as they continue to search for a cure.

If you have an extra $5 or $10 in your pocket today, any donation is deeply appreciated.

And if you don’t, just spread some extra love this month, you never know who needs it ❤

Thank you, talk soon, and take care xx

Do You Even Know What You Want?

You’ve chosen her

and I can’t blame the heart for what it wants

But is it everything you thought it would be?

Or do you find you thoughts slipping to me?

First love is hard to beat

I don’t wish to be the girl fighting

a one sided battle that can’t be won.

Maybe loving me would have been too easy

What’s the allure in a love that’s given freely?

Is that why you chase after my attention now?

I know you hit me up every night she let’s you down.

-June 2017

Hear No Evil, See No Evil, Speak No Evil

You’re scared of good things happening

because they always get ripped from you

and you have a devil in your ear telling you

you don’t deserve it. Remind me to kiss the woman

who brought you into this world with deaf ears.

 

The lack of security in your heart

keeps your mind on guard for the graveyard shift.

You’ve seen an unkind world close up, right in your own kitchen.

But even the most beautiful flowers are planted in dark soil

so please close your eyes and sleep tonight.

 

There are millions of soldiers who have lost your battle

and still you stand, chest cracked open and bleeding.

You raise your voice for the ones fallen before you

combating the Demons screaming for your surrender.

You silence them with your strength, even with wounds still tender.

 

-November 2016

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