break up

 I’LL ALWAYS TRY TO REACH YOU  

I don’t know where you go 

when you’re away from me.

One minute you’re here 

and the next 

there’s a mile wide wall between us 

built with pebbles and stones 

of misplaced anger and insecurity.

I test the wall’s strength with jokes

and try to chip away at the concrete with

sweet words and a reassuring hand.

March Playlist – Newly Single

If you’re Newly Single, I’m here for you girl!! It’s time to hit the bar and break some hearts!! Let’s jam out!!! (click on the years to be taken to the music videos!)

 

1.Miss Me More (2017)

Kelsea Ballerini sings about the changes she made to make her boyfriend happy in their relationship. She’s facing the fears and worries she had about being single again. She’s remembering dreams and happy memories of the person she used to be. She realizes she’s happier on her own and the new freedom she has.

 

2.Buy my own Drinks (2019)  

Runaway June This songs starts out with Runaway June being recently single and going out to the bar by herself. Post break up, its good to stay busy and not hide yourself away in your room. This song is about finding your independence again and not needing a man for any of the things you might find them doing during a night out. In the end, she knows she doesn’t need anyone else, she can take care of herself. 

 

3.Do Better (2018)  

Lil Donald This song is all about finally not being sad anymore about a break up. You’re feeling better, you’re looking better and you’re remembering that you deserve better than your past relationship. You realize that he’s not treating you right and you deserve someone loyal and faithful. You deserve a real man who will show you how much he appreciates you.

 

4.Feeling Good as Hell (2016)  

Lizzo is here to pick you back up and dry your tears. She’s reminding you that you’re looking good and should be feeling even better. This relationship has been getting you down and it’s time to leave that behind so you can go back to being the Boss of your life. He’s no longer draining your energy, you can focus on yourself and achieve all your goals. 

 

5.Don’t start now (2019)  

Dua Lipa is letting us know how quickly she recovered from a break up. It seems like maybe he was the one to initiate the break up and thought she might be brokenhearted for longer. But she’s already putting herself out there and meeting new people and if he doesn’t want to see her out here living life then he should stay home. I really enjoy this little jab she gets in during the chorus ‘walk away, you know how’. She’s already moved on and he doesn’t need to concern himself with where she is now.

 

SHORTCOMINGS

You’ll need to have enough patience 

for two because I’m always losing mine. 

Sometimes I’ll pull out my hair from all the stress.

I can’t always keep my cool 

so I’ll clam up in frustration 

fearful that I could shout something I’d regret.

 

I think being late is a sign of disrespect 

and I don’t like to change my mind.

It will sometimes take me a beat 

to figure out what’s right.

But understand these hang ups

and I’ll always do right by you.

Why I like being single for now

Relationships are great and I know in time I will look forward to being in one again. But right now, there is a lot of enjoyment of being single! It’s a lot less stress for me to be single and here’s all the ways that’s true.

 

I saved a ton of money on gifts this holiday season. Let’s be honest, relationships require financial effort for dinners, trips, gifts, and fun date activities. You can date on a budget but being single now, I’m back in saving mode. The holiday season can sometimes include your significant other’s family if you’ve formed that bond. I was very lucky and got along with my ex’s family very well but I can’t ignore the fact that I saved a ton of money not having to get gifts for my ex and his family this holiday. 

 

Less stress, I just go about my business in my lane. There’s a give and take with this one. Every relationship has its ups and downs. When you’re single, you no longer have to suffer through the downs! You’re mood is steady, content. This also means it doesn’t go gleefully high. No exciting butterflies in the stomach. No thrill when you see their name on your phone screen. But there’s less emotional labor when you’re just looking out for yourself. My heart is safe and resting, no pressure there.

 

I’m not stressed about getting someone to like me. Not stressed about dates. I’m single single. If a guy is talking to me now, I very freely tell him No when I disagree with plans or topics. I don’t need to impress him, I don’t need to compromise. If the connection dies because I say No, then I have no problem with that. 

 

I have no guilt; I can do what I want with my time and not feel bad about neglecting my significant other. I don’t have to divide up my time. I can focus on my projects. I can feel good about the time I put towards friends and family instead of feeling like I’m choosing them over or under my boyfriend. I can watch whatever TV I want, whenever I want, at any volume I want.

 

This is a nice change of pace and freedom after having been in a long term relationship. Like all of you, I make the best out of every situation I’m in. I’ll start stressing about finding a relationship when I’m ready for that.

 

Post Break Up Cliches

There so many Cliches for how people act post break up, here are all the ones I fell into. Let me know in the comments which ones you fell into!

 

Posting on social media a lot

I wanted to quickly start moving on with my life and put distance between myself and this chapter that had just ended. Visually it helped to see a lot of recent photos being added to instagram. It helped seeing that I was still living life, that it wasn’t over just because my relationship was.

 

Reconnected with friends  

I didn’t drop my friends when I entered a relationship. There were friends that I had drifted away from for years and it just coincidentally happened that they reached out a month or so after my relationship ended. It was great timing though since I suddenly had a lot more time on my hands. And what can I say, around the holidays there are a lot of reunions lol.

 

Falling back to what’s familiar  

I’ll bring you all back to 2016 with Stubborn (I cringe even linking this because I was so delusional back then, and now) . He’s a friend for many years that I connected to and he was always a sort of comfort while I was struggling through the dating world. I’m not interested in meeting anyone new but Stubborn is familiar and safe. I wanted a friend and distraction from loneliness.

 

Trying to lose that relationship weight  

Let’s be honest, we all put on that relationship 20 -40lb. As soon as you get on dating apps you realize that 80% of the profiles mention going to the gym or some form of activity. So single again, you have to start putting effort into your appear. You’re funny, kind, and smart but if we’re honest, a photo doesn’t spell that out for everyone.

 

Other cliches that I did not fall into:

 

Hop right back in the dating scene

As they love to say ‘the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone new’. Honestly the idea of talking to someone new, let alone going on a date, is one of the last things I want to do. I’m just not interested. 

 

Reinvent myself

I still have the same hobbies as when I was in a relationship. I’m not chopping all my hair off or hanging out with a party hard crowd. Maybe some minor changes but I like who I am and when I’m ready, someone else will too.

 

Cry into a tub of ice cream  

I love ice cream but I don’t need that emotional crutch. I have a lot more free time on my hands but I’m not miserable and sad because of it. I’m focused on my family and school these days and my blog has never been better.

 

Reach back out to my ex

I had thought a lot about my future with my ex before deciding to end things so I knew that when I was done, I was really and truly done. I had given that relationship all my effort and I realized it wasn’t how I wanted to spend my future. I have no left over feelings or need for additional closure so I don’t want to reach back out again. 

 

I’m happy I don’t really care about dating apps right now

I knew when I downloaded the apps that I didn’t want to jump right into anything. I also knew it takes a long time to meet someone you actually want to go on more than one date with so I wasn’t too worried about it. The reason I downloaded the apps in the first place right after the break up was because I wasn’t sure I could handle all the sudden down time and lack of daily communication to someone. 

People would ask what I was looking for on the apps and I found it kind of difficult to answer because I really didn’t know. As some conversations progressed to the potential of meeting up I found out that I really wasn’t interested in that so soon after becoming single. I found myself falling into one of the distinct categories of app users; I was on the apps just to talk but never meet up and basically just waste my time so I would be less bored.

Swiping through users was just a game to pass time and I found bumble annoying because it forced me to start a conversation within 24 hours. I tried a few apps just to see what they were about but in the end found myself using tinder the most of it’s easy, basic use. After a few weeks, I let new matches sit for days before even thinking about reaching out and in general, just spending less time on the app at all.

I didn’t really care for the conversations, they were all the same and I didn’t want them leading anywhere. Since I wasn’t looking for any type of partner there wasn’t much reason or interest to swipe through the sea of potential daters either.

I’m content to just make plans with my sisters, work on my blog, watch new tv shows, and focus on my schoolwork. I’ve been debating with myself when I might be interested in dating again and the answer is definitely not anytime soon. It’s a very different attitude than I’ve had for the past 5 years but I’m really happy with it. 

 

Ghosting Made Easy

It’s October so obviously I have to talk about ghosting at some point this Halloween season!

In 2017 I wrote about instances where it actually might be better to ghost. Here we are two years later and I’m still thinking ghosting has its benefits. 

 

The thing is, we’re so used to ghosting now that we don’t even really know how to handle Not being ghosted by someone. Actually having direct communication with a date now seems confrontational. Ghosting is easy, it’s non confrontational, and it’s the cowards way. With this in mind, anything else is then seen as aggressive. 

 

In all honesty, many of us are too immature to handle an honest conversation in a reasonable manner. If you ghost someone you don’t have to hurt their feelings with rejection. When someone tells you they’re not interested in you, it’s hard to not take it personally. It’s easy to become defensive when you feel rejected or attacked. 

 

At least when you were ghosted, you could tell yourself whatever story you wanted to about that person and why they suddenly dropped off. Even when you’re not interested in someone, it’s annoying to hear that person say they’re not interested in you either.

 

When you tell someone directly that you’re not interested it usually ends up being some cliche of “Great meeting you but I don’t see us working out. Best of luck though”. Cliche break up lines tend to rub people the wrong way because they sound so well -rehearsed and fake. It’s stiff and distant, often making the receiving party feel uncomfortable.

 

If you’ve been in the dating game for a long time you’ve probably had loads of first dates. It can really become emotionally taxing to have this same conversation with every single suitor. You never really know how each individual will handle confrontation and rejection like that so it’s an emotion risk every time.

 

Maybe if we all ghosted less then having the ‘it just isn’t going to work’ conversation wouldn’t seem so aggressive and could be handled more amiably. But until then, being honest is an aggressive gamble.