break up

Crazy Good

And you’re going to wish you didn’t mess this up

When you’re listening to the radio and they play my song

Knowing that you did wrong but I still came out strong

Yeah I don’t need you and I feel crazy good

because I’ll be on stage living life like a rockstar

And you’ll be trying to pick up girls at the local bar

You’ll feel like shit but I’ll still feel crazy good

 

-2011

Am I Bitter?

I read so many poems on almost relationships and half baked ones. Ones where there’s only one person fighting for this relationship. When looking at these ‘relationships’ from the outside it’s so easy to judge and wonder WHY IS SHE PUTTING UP WITH THIS?!

Unfortunately, things are never so easily black and white. We come up with all these reasons for why he can’t commit, and of course he has to love me otherwise he would be able to let me go, otherwise he wouldn’t keep taking me out on dates, otherwise we wouldn’t be intimate, the list goes on and on.

We really can’t make ourselves see the truth that he only likes the attention and we’re convient.

I had a friend in college and we bonded over the guys that were half in and half out in our lives. There were different ways in which they did this and for what ended up being different reasons. Eventually, her Stubborn became fully committed and they’re now in a long term, loving relationship.

Sometimes you break things off with your Stubborn and spend time apart. Months or years later you may reconnect and he realized who and what’s important in his life. And you two also end up in a long term, loving relationship.

Its stories like these that keep us running along to each precious breadcrumb they feel like dropping. I’ve been preaching that the answer is to always ditch the guy and find someone who knows how special you are from the start.

I preach that answer because the last option is that you got my Stubborn and you broke things off and finally found a partner who would do anything to show how much they love you and want you in their lives. A partner who is the complete opposite of what you’ve been putting up with in the past and one who makes you realize just how delusional you were for ever thinking that your Stubborn ever really liked/loved you.

But as I think about success stories, is it time I realize that maybe I’m just bitter? That my story didn’t work out the same way and I got burned in the end. Am I preventing others from their happy ends by telling them to call it quits? Or am I giving them a warning against an unhealthy relationship?

I always warned my friend against her Stubborn just like she did with me. And I think I would do it all over again even though it never stopped either of us.

You want the best for your friends and you know they’re so great so you automatically dislike anyone who doesn’t see exactly what you see. And that makes me bitter.

So yes I am bitter. Bitter against all Stubborns for not appreciating what they have when they have it. Bitter that there was ever someone in my friend’s life that had her doubting her self worth. 

 

10 Ticking Time Bombs in a Relationship

Keeping a relationship going is hard work and there are a number of traps you and your significant other can slip into. CEO from 1 Code Hub asked me what are some issues that could cause future break ups and I’m here with some answers!

Lack of communication  

I’ve answered before that communication is the most important part of a successful relationship. Even with how much you’re communicating now, you could probably always do some more. Communicating can be very tough; there are many different communication styles and it’s easy to read into words and become defensive. You may also be approaching a tough topic and that will make things tense and you’ll be nervous about how vulnerable you feel. Keeping your thoughts and feelings to yourself though will only allow them to fester and can make an issue bigger than it needs to be. This also doesn’t give your partner a chance to give their side and perhaps ease your worries.

Past Issues

There’s a good chance this isn’t your first relationship but even if it is, you’ve experienced hurt through non romantic relationships. You’ve been abandoned, lied to, betrayed, and criticized. In order to protect yourself from getting hurt again, you’ll assume your partner will do these things to you as well until you’ve built up enough trust to let your guard down. This isn’t really fair to your partner to be treated like a criminal from the start. And it doesn’t start your relationship on a good foot either.

Assumptions

A lack of communication and trust issues can lead to a lot of assumptions. Your thoughts and fears will get the best of you. You’ll imagine the worst and your fear will shut you down. This will feed into your self doubt and seeps into the relationship. You’re dooming your relationship before giving it a real chance.  

Social media

There have been a few studies on how Social media has affected the mental health of today’s society and that leaks into your relationships with others. Social media can be detrimental to a relationship due to the comparison it allows. You see other relationships on social media, in love and having fun just after another fight with your boo. You become insecure about your own relationship and wonder why you are both struggling so much right now.

What you don’t see in those smiling photos are all the fights and tears those couples have gone through. I’m always surprised when I learn about disagreements in relationships close to me. How did I not know about the issues they had been facing? They seem so happy and healthy together. Social media makes it difficult to remember that every couple, especially happy ones, still have their issues and face hard times.

Social media also allows you to keep track of your SO and learn a history of things about them early on. A lack of independence and privacy isn’t healthy for even the closest of couples. If you’re stalking your SO to see all the photos they like and become jealous when you find someone attractive. This is something you didn’t really need to learn about as long as there’s no direct contact. There’s a certain about of autopilot when on social media and I’m sure you still find strangers attractive as well. Doesn’t mean you want a relationship with them and the same should be said for your partner.

Involving too many people in your relationship

Every single relationship will have issues arise at some point. It’s at these times that you’ll want to turn to others for emotional support and guidance. Sometimes talking to someone can talk you down from an issue and help you be more understanding when going back to your significant other to talk things out.

The issue is that you’re looking for guidance to make a relationship work but you’re also giving reasons for your friends and family to dislike your significant other. This can make things difficult down the road so try to think of the future even when having current issues. You’re also letting other people’s opinions steer your relationship which doesn’t really involve them. In the end, it’s your relationship, treat it as such. Of course, there will be times when your family needs to step up when your emotions are clouding your judgment too much to take proper care of yourself.

Lack of Support

Ignoring the concerns and struggles of your partner is a recipe for ending up alone. By doing so you’re teaching them that they can’t rely on you for support and you invalidate their feelings. It’s very important to operate as a unit when out with others. You won’t agree with your partner on a number of topics and should voice that if it’s important but you also don’t want your partner to start feeling like it’s them against you and your friends/family. You’re the one who’s close to your family and it’s up to you to stand up to them and defend your partner. This show of support will carry you through some tough times in the relationship.  

May Advice Column

DD,

My new SO’s ex won’t let go of their relationship and is butting into ours! How do I deal with this?!

– – –

The same thing happened to me with my boyfriend! Over the course of a month she contacted on every single social media platform, it drove me nuts! First things first, you have to tell your new boo that you’re feeling this way. Make sure you guys get on the same page and understanding of comfort level. I’ll do a quick recap of my story and hopefully it will help you make some choices.

My boyfriend was always super honest and open about informing me when she contacted him. The first time or two while our relationship was super new, I was still trying to be the cool, laid back girl. I’m not that girl and we shouldn’t be made to feel the pressure to be that girl (link). The third time though, it needed to stop. I told him right away instead of harping on it and becoming irritated with him for not reading my mind. He instantly blocked her on all platforms that she had contacted him. A+ work right there and I hope your significant other does the same.

Being the crazy, insecure girl I was though, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I then became paranoid that he might not have really blocked her or that as soon as I left he unblocked her. Eventually, I blew up, had to be shown proof, and calmed down. Don’t be like me! Lol

Depending on the type of ex, your significant other might be able to talk to them and make sure they leave the relationship alone. An ex may not really be aware of the new relationship/ how serious its getting. Or the ex could be from a very long term relationship in which they still have a friendship now.

You and your SO need to decide what’s best for your relationship and communicate the new boundaries with the ex. A healthy, respectful ex will make sure not to cause drama as they have probably also moved on from the old relationship.

Every time my boyfriend’s ex made contact, she would be making digs or insults at me. She was looking for a reaction to see if he still cared or perhaps to see how she measured up to me and I didn’t want her getting any satisfaction from the responses so in that situation I asked him to just ignore and block. A plan of action can vary depending on what type of situation you’re dealing with.

A Recap:

  • Communicate the issue you’re having.
  • Agree on the best way to deal with it.
  • Set boundaries with the ex.
  • Continue growing happy relationship with significant other

 

Do Genders Handle Break Ups Differently? (Part 2- Girl’s Perspective)

There are songs and comics about this theory of how men and women handle break ups so I decided to ask about WordPress to see how well it holds up, check out the Male Perspective from last week if you missed it!

First Tarnished Soul hits us with some hard truths:

“I have never broken-up with anyone, and I am in the process of making a first attempt at breaking up with my wife. I have always had other people break up with me, and I always handled it pathetically and sought validation for myself in truly self-destructive ways. As I face the reality that my current relationship is unhealthy and just wishing she would end it, I have come to accept that the only person that can create the change I want is me. With that being said, I am still not handling it very well, but I am not intentionally doing anything self-destructive. That’s not to say that I don’t feel bad and that I don’t want to do something rash and stupid and pathetic, because those feelings and thoughts are there. But I am trying to do something utterly different – forgive myself and accept myself as I am. Hopefully, I will come out the other side a better person.”

And Biryani offers us this to mull over:

“When it all came to an end, I only felt one thing. Relief. Pure relief! It had been a truly bittersweet moment and while I was upset, I felt more frustration at myself for not ending things earlier. This slight indifference towards my ex obviously helped in moving on. But the most important thing was deleting his number, blocking him on social media & deleting all his photos from my phone. This can seem like a huge step to take so quickly, but it is the only one that helps. You need to be FREE of your ex. All traces of them should be erased, think of it like a detox or rehab session! Go cold turkey and ditch that unhealthy part of your emotional diet.

The second thing is to realise that it is not the end of the world. I was optimistic about enjoying my new single life and so I did. I went on holidays, spent time with my family & did whatever made me happy. Still, it took me a year and a half to be ready and willing to date again. This millennial age is fantastic, there are so many ways to be introduced to someone. But before you get to that stage, remember to enjoy yourself and be happy. Because nobody has the ability to affect your life after they have left. You’re in charge!”

Interestingly enough it’s Soul’s response that most closely matches the man’s supposed coping mechanisms from Bentley’s song. She doesn’t give a specific example of ‘sleeping all day and leaving the house a wreck’ but she does talk about being rash, stupid, and self-destructive.

I also see some similarities in Tommy’s response from last week and Biryani’s response above. Tommy mentioned being at peace and I think that speaks to being free of your ex and taking time to yourself to be happy all on your own. Both talk about a clean break to detox from their exes, deleting all pictures and messages, and no messy in-between friends/ lovers business post break up. So maybe men and women don’t handle break ups as differently as we thought.

Overall, I think there are some amazing messages in here from our fellow bloggers about accepting yourself, believing that you have the power over your own happiness, and to take the time to feel confident enough to stand on your own before going into a relationship.

Do Genders Handle Break Ups Differently? (Part 1- Guys Perspective)

The idea for this article came to me after hearing the song “Different for Girls” -Dierks Bentley in which the lyrics talk about how only guys get drunk at a bar looking to take a new girl home or acting tough punching walls and turning into slobs. I wanted to know if the song was right and decided to reach out to two wonderful men in the blogger community for their input on breaks ups!

Tommy says:

“As Neil Sedaka famously sang, breaking up is hard to do. However, I’ve been luckier than most in that regard. For one, I’ve always been the initiator (although the last one was a tie). It’s definitely easier than being on the receiving end. It’s even easier if you’ve never been in love (which I wouldn’t mind finding someday). My relationships have trended on the shorter side; ending a longer one with more emotional investment would undoubtedly be more painful.

But so far I’ve been largely at peace with things after a breakup. After multitudes of rejections, it’s a nice feeling to know that someone was willing to go further and explore things with me – even if it didn’t work out in the end. The hardest part for me is trying to remain friends afterwards. I’ve tried it each time, but don’t think I will in the future. It’s a difficult area to navigate without things getting awkward and uncertain. For me, a clean break with no contact is the way to go, otherwise how can I completely move on?”

And Paul adds:

“Breakups. Well, bloody hell! There are things in my life that have been more difficult and much more important to deal with. This is a fact I’m consciously aware of—and yet, I have always managed to allow breakups to override absolutely everything when they happen.

I’m unfortunate enough to have experienced being broken up with on numerous occasions and, at the time, I thought nothing could possibly feel as bad. That was until I had to end a four-year relationship and I realized how much harder that is than being dumped. Hurting people hurts. Telling somebody they no longer fit your lifestyle… to me, I might as well be driving a knife through their heart and, subsequently, my own. It’s horrible.

Even if the breakup is for the best and you both know it, they’re extremely difficult and they’ll play on your conscience (provided if you’re blessed with a conscience). You’ll question everything. You’ll procrastinate wildly over what your life will lack without your partner in it. You’ll think of all the good things they do and the happy times you had with them. You’ll constantly weigh up the pros and cons; constantly try to talk yourself out of going through with it. It’ll play on your mind day and night.

In conclusion, breakups suck! Unfortunately, sometimes, they’re absolutely necessary…”

Both men seem to agree its easier to be broken up with than having to do the actual breaking up. Paul points out how difficult it is to know you’re hurting someone you spent so many years loving. Tommy agrees to this point, which contradicts the song’s idea that guys can just forget about an ex, just switching off their emotions and finding a new girl to distract them like a flimsy Band-Aid.

Of course, Tommy brings up being ‘at peace’ with most of his shorter relationships and perhaps he would go out on a boy’s night after such a break up. But he’s not drowning in alcohol or being swarmed by women in order to get over or forget these break ups. And Paul certainly not punching walls as the break up debate goes on in his head and things of all the good times with his ex.

Maybe the song got things mixed up and it’s the women who drink their exes away? Check in next week to hear from some WordPress ladies!

(Also the song might not have mentioned being friends with your ex but I did, check it out! )

Second Choice

I’ve talked before about ways to know if you’re wasting your time on a guy or not. These guys, for a variety of reasons, are emotionally unavailable. Of course, it’s never so black and white, instead he’s more open and available some weeks or some nights and you think you’ve finally gotten through to him. And then he’s back to his old ways, not making time for you, and you can’t figure out where he truly stands with you. Here are some reasons why a guy might not be making room in his life for you.

They’re focused on their career and don’t have the time to dedicate to a girlfriend right now. It makes complete sense and you can’t really get mad at them for being self aware about their priorities. And it might cause some internal and interpersonal issues when you’re always put second behind their job.

Other times you can feel like you’re being put second to their friends and hobbies. It’s perfectly healthy to split up time between going out with your girlfriend and going out with your friends. It becomes a problem when you tell her you’re too busy to meet up this week and then you complain about how you’re getting dragged out to the bar by your friends. Just because she is understanding and doesn’t pick on you for decompressing at home does not mean she deserves the short end of the stick while your friends get their way. Either make time for her and be fair or stand up to your friends. Or don’t blame your friends when you know you’re always going to want to pick them over your girlfriend.

You ever have a significant other get back with their ex right after you guys break up and then you’re like “oh, now I get it.” Maybe you were just the rebound girl who lasted too long or he was lying to himself when he said he was really over her. You realize once he had the choice to choose between you or her, he chose her. And that breaks your heart, which I completely understand BUT it totally shouldn’t because the guy who doesn’t choose you doesn’t deserve you!

Lastly, it’s a combination of these things but most importantly, he just doesn’t care enough about you to put you first. It doesn’t really matter the reason, just his actions showing you how far down you are on his priority list. Remember how that makes you feel and don’t wait around for a love that will probably never come.

You should be with the guy who doesn’t put you second. You should be with the guy who puts in the effort to see you, the one who smiles when reading your text, and the one who is factoring you into his future because he can’t imagine it without you. That’s the guy you deserve.

You’re worth being put first.

Over

I wanna fight you

Plead my case

Say if I had only known better.

From kissing

To cussing

as fast as a shooting star

I guess it’s really over

Black night once again

wondering if you were ever really there at all.

Was any of it true or just all in my head?

 

-February 2017

 

Why You Can’t Be Friends With Your Ex

When a relationship ends rather amicably, it makes it harder to really sever the ties. For my situation with Mr. Right, it was a logical decision to end things, not an emotional one. So it took longer for the emotions to align with our minds. It’s confusing trying to be friends with your ex. You read into conversations more, rethink how things could have been, and still crave that intimacy that is just out of reach now.

When you break up, you have to establish new friendship boundaries and that’s not something that easily happens over night. I’m not saying you can never be friends with your ex. I’m just saying that taking a break after a break up is extremely helpful in the healing process. Not taking time apart just delays the hurt and the loneness. You need some closure on that part of the relationship in order to open up the door for friendship again.

You have to remember that you can still do things on your own just fine and that you were never dependent on someone else. You need time to mourn the relationship as it was. If you don’t take this time, it could lead to ending the relationship but still hooking up for physical intimacy. Or perhaps you’re trying to persuade him back into a committed relationship. It’s a sticky situation when you’re just hooking up when feeling so emotionally attached. You’re putting yourself right in the line of fire to get your feelings really hurt.

It also makes it really difficult to move on and become emotionally available again when you’re in constant contact with your ex. If you’re still texting all hours of the day and you go to her when you hear great or terrible news, then you’re probably still kinda dating.

Relationships are complicated and break ups even more so. You don’t have to try to date someone new. But if a break up did happen then it might be a good time to reflect on yourself and the relationship. Figure out what you really need and want from your significant other and think about if your ex can really be that person.

This time of closure and reflection is all about you. So being friends with your ex while trying to sort out your own emotions makes things cloud and confusing. Allow yourself some solitude and clarity before reforming a relationship/friendship with your ex again.

I Mourned this Morning

It’s still dark out and I didn’t sleep too well

So I’m awake and all emotional over you

Angry that I’m feeling so much when you never felt enough

Thinking how you don’t deserve it and I didn’t deserve any of this either

So why’d you put me through it?

Mourning the death of an ‘us’ and trying to kill my emotions attached to you.

I gotta let this severed piece bleed out and finally die.

Because I’ve been cutting it only to restitch and rebandage the hurt.

So I’ll take my half of the blame

If you finally quit playing this game

Because I don’t know if I’ll survive

another time with you calling out my name.

 

-October 2016

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