dating advice

Can’t Get Dating App Offline

Reasons she might not want to meet up:

She’s just not into you

She likes the attention and is stringing you along

She’s hung up on her ex / they’re back and forth on trying to work things out

She’s starting seeing someone else and is waiting to see if they’ll be exclusive soon

Whatever the reason, things aren’t going to work out and you might want some pointers on 

How to Move on:

Get a Definite Answer

Unfortunately you have to suffer a little pain to get through it. You need a direct answer from her that she is not interested and you guys will not meet. If this doesn’t happen then you will always wonder if now is a better time for her. You need to be able to some fantasizing about a relationship you could have had. She needs to stop that in its tracks with a solid NO. 

Make sure you’re not exclusively talking to her. 

You need to take your mind off her and also unload all your eggs from her basket. Invest some effort into a few girls so you’re not so heartbroken when one doesn’t work out. One girl will make you realize how easy it is to start dating someone when they’re truly into you. 

Refocus on work, a hobby, working out. 

You need to untangle a bit from the online world and realize your value outside of relationships. Focus on you and bringing things back into your life that you enjoy. A happier you is a more attractive you! Your friends will be happy to see you off your phone and laughing with them.

When Your Date Should Meet Your Friends

Your friends are able to give you an unbiased opinion about your potential significant other since the romantic feelings aren’t skewing their perspective. Friends know you well and know you deserve to be treated well. And it’s always great to have validation of your judgment in life partners by your friends support of the relationship. But when is the right time to introduce a potential partner to your friend group?

Not too Soon

It was important to me when meeting someone to establish a bond between us and make sure we are strong in our feelings for each other before he would meet any friends or family. I didn’t want to constantly bring a parade of new guys around and have my friends start thinking it was just another flavor of the week that would burn out in no time. For me it was serious and the next step in our relationship before becoming official. Having the support of those close to me was important. Since you’re wondering if it’s too early for them to meet, I’ll assume you don’t bring just any girl around your circle of friends.

Not too Late

The upside in letting your friends meet the person you’ve been seeing early on is that they can help you steer clear before it’s too late and you become too attached. You might be blinded by infatuation but your friends could pull you out of a disastrous relationship before you’ve invested too much time and effort. Has she mentioned wanting to meet your friends soon? If so, waiting much longer could start to make her feel unsure about your feelings for her. She may wonder if you’re keeping her a secret or that she’s the only one with strong feelings in this relationship.

Mixed Signals  

As I mentioned, meeting friends and family means a lot to me because it shows me they want to bring me into their world and have me form bonds with those close to them. If you’re planning on keeping the relationship casual it might be confusing to both your partner and friends to have them hanging out together regularly. For me personally, it would have me believing things were heading in a more serious direction and moving onto a different page then they are. You also might want to think about the fact that one of your friends might be start to like her and continue to bring her around even after your casual thing is over.

New Experience

It’s a good experience to see your potential SO in a social setting to see if they act different than when just alone with you. You can see if they’re making the effort to get to know your friends, if they’re outgoing or a sloppy drunk. Your friends can also see the two of you interact together and see if you pair up well as a team. 

There are many benefits to having your friends and love interest meet. Before doing so you need to decide what kind of future you think this relationship has, think about if you want to intertwine the two parts of your life, and also talk to her about how she would feel about meeting your friends. Once you know the answer to these three questions you’ll know what to do!

First Date Conversation Topics

You want to keep a first date light and although talking about tv show and movies may seem silly you can learn a lot about a person’s immaturity level and sense of humor by what they put on their screens. You can also find common ground by talking about shows, actors, and current events in entertainment. 

Family is usually a common topic as mentioned in the question, but friends are also important to talk about. You want to know the type of people your date surrounds themselves with. You can also learn the role they play in a friend group such as jokester, planner, or the one everyone goes to for advice; its good to see how other people view and value your date and you might appreciate them more by learning so. 

When you start talking about friends you also learn what your date does with their free time. Do they go to bars every weekend, trips to a nearby city or concert, or a laidback game night at a friend’s house? This helps you figure out if you like to do the same things and also gives you ideas for future dates if you do.

A common topic for early dates is talking about travels, they’re exciting and unique from day to day life. There seems to be a trend for millenials to be travel bugs so daters can usually find common ground there. 

Topics to stay away from:

Past Relationships. Don’t be the idiot who talks about his ex and all the things he hated about her or the rude girl who talks about all the other dates she had this month. You both know you’ve dated other people but they aren’t here so stop bringing them up!

Dating Pet Peeves. If you start ranting about things you hate about dating profiles you’re going to seem picky and negative. You can also potentially insult your date. Sure, you won’t want to date someone who annoys you but you should find out the reasoning of why something might be on their profile before ruling them out. 

Dark Past and Politics. It would of course be important for your significant other to learn about past experiences that have shaped you even if they aren’t happy memories but the first date is not the time to go into details. Controversial topics like politics and religion are also conversations that should be saved for a later date once you already feel comfortable with someone. Remember, light and fun is the name of the game in the beginning! 

Q&A on Dating Apps

Q&A of all things people who have never been on a dating app might ask! Thanks so much to all those who participated and for reading!!!!

How long do you talk before meeting up?

Of course, all answers will vary here depending on the type of person you ask and the type of relationship they are seeking via these apps. I, personally, never liked to meet the same week that I started talking to someone so the sweet spot for me was around 10 days. This way I could find out what they did during the week (such as school or work) and also what type of weekender they were (from homebody to passed out at the bars). If conversation was flowing and we had similar interests then I would feel more confident that I wasn’t wasting my Saturday evening. Those seeking a more casual relationship would most likely meet up within a few days.

Do you prefer apps or websites?

I prefer websites because they’re easier to browse by offering different search options. On apps you can only swipe, it’s usually based on location (which like how often does the guy of your dreams live across the street from you? And if he does, why did you need an app to find him?), and app profiles usually have less information on them. I’m going to do a dating app review post eventually but my favorite has always been OKCupid.

Have you ever tried speed dating?

Surprisingly, I have not. It’s funny because people who usually don’t like dating apps will say how meeting by chance in real life is much better. If you’re single and looking to date then speed dating is actually a great idea because you’ll find a decent amount of people who are open to relationships all at the same place. Ironically, I’d imagine speed dating to possibly be more awkward/embarrassing than online dating. But hey, different things work for different people.

What is your go to excuse to run out on a date that’s not going well?

Does anyone actually know someone in real life who had a friend fake an emergency phone call to get out of a horrible date? I’ve only heard of such dramatics in the movies but I do know a true story of a guy who said he was going to the bathroom mid date and then JUST LEFT ! The last excuse I used was saying I had a phone interview and had to get back home for that. (Oh and if you want to hear of the craziest excuse a guy used to dump me then you can head over in this direction.)

How do you keep your sanity while online dating and not get overly excited when there’s a small connection?   

You definitely have to delete the apps and accounts from time to time to keep your sanity. It helps you decompress from all the dating nerves/stress, makes you feel in control of your happiness again, and lifts your spirits out of the hopeless dating pool slump. Also, make sure to have a clear idea of what type of relationship you’re looking for and don’t waste your time on profiles you know aren’t a good match for you.

A weird thing that has happened to me a couple of times is the first date going well and then the second date just being terrible. So I think expectations really make or break a date and it’s definitely tough to get excited for dates only for them to let you down. Most app users keep their excitement in check by talking to multiple people to avoid putting their eggs all in one basket. That’s not a fool proof plan though so other ideas are welcomed.

Second Best

I’ve talked before about ways to know if you’re wasting your time on a guy or not. These guys, for a variety of reasons, are emotionally unavailable. Of course, it’s never so black and white, instead he’s more open and available some weeks or some nights and you think you’ve finally gotten through to him. And then he’s back to his old ways, not making time for you, and you can’t figure out where he truly stands with you. Here are some reasons why a guy might not be making room in his life for you.

They’re focused on their career and don’t have the time to dedicate to a girlfriend right now. It makes complete sense and you can’t really get mad at them for being self aware about their priorities. And it might cause some internal and interpersonal issues when you’re always put second behind their job.

Other times you can feel like you’re being put second to their friends and hobbies. It’s perfectly healthy to split up time between going out with your girlfriend and going out with your friends. It becomes a problem when you tell her you’re too busy to meet up this week and then you complain about how you’re getting dragged out to the bar by your friends. Just because she is understanding and doesn’t pick on you for decompressing at home does not mean she deserves the short end of the stick while your friends get their way. Either make time for her and be fair or stand up to your friends. Or don’t blame your friends when you know you’re always going to want to pick them over your girlfriend.

You ever have a significant other get back with their ex right after you guys break up and then you’re like “oh, now I get it.” Maybe you were just the rebound girl who lasted too long or he was lying to himself when he said he was really over her. You realize once he had the choice to choose between you or her, he chose her. And that breaks your heart, which I completely understand BUT it totally shouldn’t because the guy who doesn’t choose you doesn’t deserve you!

Lastly, it’s a combination of these things but most importantly, he just doesn’t care enough about you to put you first. It doesn’t really matter the reason, just his actions showing you how far down you are on his priority list. Remember how that makes you feel and don’t wait around for a love that will probably never come.

You should be with the guy who doesn’t put you second. You should be with the guy who puts in the effort to see you, the one who smiles when reading your text, and the one who is factoring you into his future because he can’t imagine it without you. That’s the guy you deserve.

You’re worth being put first.

He’s Just Not That Into You

…then he’s honestly just not into you.

I know every girl wants to believe they can change a man or that they will defy all odds because their love is so strong but that’s a one in a million shot.

If a guy can’t or doesn’t want to make the time to see you, then he just doesn’t actually care enough to make that effort. Sure maybe he’s scared, going through a hard time, or entering a new point in his life that makes him super busy but all that means is that he’s unavailable.

Then there’s the guy that can never take things to the next level. Maybe he says he’s fine being exclusive but then he won’t put a label on it or introduce you as his girlfriend, or at all. This can happen anywhere down the line, together for 3 months or 9 years, you never know where your guy’s invisible intimacy line is. You’ve been together for so long, why can’t he pop the question?

It’s hard to tell what’s worse though, the guy who can’t say those important words or the one who keeps you strung along by promising a non existent future together. I know we’ll be together one day and that’s why you should forgive me for not putting you first now. For me going out with the boys and ignoring you. For me talking to those girls while I’m still young and dumb.

You begin to put up with a lot of crap because you think it will eventually pay off. All you want is to be loved and after you’re with someone for so long you worry you may never find someone willing to stick with you through all the tough times. You’re scared to start over, afraid this is the best it’s going to get, so you settle.

You settle for the guy who’s just not that into you and he settles for you too. He doesn’t see you because he’s wondering if he’ll see someone else. He talks to other girls because he’s unsure if you’re the best he’s going to do. He doesn’t commit to you because he’s worried as soon as he does that the real girl of his dreams will come walking through the door.

That’s why you should be the one walking out that door so that you both don’t settle. Let’s be honest, maybe you’re just not that into him.

((This article also works when changing pronouns around, feel free to read it how you identify))

To Ghost or Not to Ghost

Sometimes you end up planning a date that after a few days you regret agreeing to. You might only talk to someone for a couple of days but it’s the weekend so he’s rushing a date you’re not really sure you want to go on yet. Or after talking for a bit longer, you realize you’re not really interested in him. But you both already talked about your mutual love of tacos and a date was hatched days ago when you were more open to the idea (and you just can’t resist tacos).

There are two ways to get out of a date you don’t really want to go on. You either be completely straight forward or you ghost a few days before. Although I think it’s good to be honest and not lead someone on, some people do not accept No as an answer. Then there’s confrontation that could lead to you being guilted to go on the date anyway!

When Do I Ghost?

Sometimes you’re both on the same page. The messages back and forth have become sporadic and you’ve both lost interest but you’re being polite in conversation. You both mutually fade/ ghost out.

Some times I ghost you because I don’t want to hurt your feelings. You’re a nice guy with a solid job but our conversations have been bland and we just don’t have the chemistry. There’s nothing wrong with you so I don’t want you to start thinking that there is or resenting being told that you’re a ‘nice guy’.

Other times I ghost you because I don’t want to deal with the backlash of your butt hurt feelings. I ghost you because I don’t want confrontation or to be bullied into a date to test our compatibility. I trust my gut over some random guy over the internet.

Why Ghosting should be left to Ghosts

I’ve been on both sides of ghosting so I get why people hate being ghosted too. You thought everything was going well and suddenly nothing.

  1. You wonder where it went wrong?
  2. If there was just a misunderstanding that could be worked out?
  3. What’s wrong with you that he left?
  4. Was it just that he found someone better?

It’s arguably one of the worst dating etiquettes to break because it can really tear down someone’s self worth. It could be the reason someone gives up on love and the reason they stop loving themselves.

The thing is though, maybe the reason he leaves is the reason another man stays. Should you be constantly molding yourself, cutting off limbs so that you will be to his liking? You’re not meant to fit into everyone’s perfect match checklist box.

And it’s a heavy burden to take responsibility of everyone’s self esteem. It could do more damage to give someone reasons why you’re not interested in them. They could become self conscious of certain traits, where it’s really just a matter of personal preference.

So ghost or not ghost, you’re still a person of worth.

Picky Daters

For me, first dates take a lot of mental effort. It requires you to carve out new time in your routine, the nervousness of meeting someone new, and as a reserved and introverted being, the social draining from constant conversation for multiple hours.

For these reasons, I don’t jump at every date. If I’ve only been talking to a guy about really trivial things for the past three days then I may want more time getting to know him before agreeing to give him my free afternoon. I’ve been coerced into first dates before and have learned to stick with my gut now. There’s always going to be a few things you have in common with a stranger, that doesn’t mean you’re meant to be.

It’s also important I ask what their intentions are before agreeing to meet up as well. I want to go on an actual date, not just chill at your house or in your car. Those can be part of the date but not the main event. I want to know that you’re making an effort to get to know me not just buying your time before you try to shove your tongue down my throat.

So I’m picky about who I agree to go on dates with. I’m not looking to waste anyone’s time, money, or gas. If I agree to go on a date with you then it’s because I think there will end up being more than one date. I don’t want to go on 50 first dates, I want to develop something deeper than that. I’m worth getting to know and I’m worth the effort of planning a date.

Friends or More?

Should you date your friend? Or perhaps more accurately, is it worth the risk to date your friend and possibly lose the friendship if it does not work out?

Lots of solid relationships state that an important component is their friendship. Sometimes they start out as friends and some times they don’t, but always they insist that their significant other is their best friend who they tell all their embarrassing stories, hopes, and fears to. So one might think dating a friend would be a great idea because that aspect is already there and has built a strong foundation.

Of course once you cross that threshold from just friends to more than friends, its near impossible to go back. This has got to be the strongest reason people with crushes on their friends give for not pursing it. They don’t want to lose that friendship and closeness. They would rather have them in their life as a friend then risk becoming closer and then ending up with nothing. Sometimes friends don’t want to mess up the group dynamic by dating or sub consequently breaking up.

The thing is if you’ve naturally floated into the territory of daydreaming about one friend in particular then it may be worth digging into. He already knows your interests and dislikes pretty well. You already know about his bad habits and future plans. If you know all this and still can’t stop thinking about him then it may be time to start pushing the friendship boundary and see if he feels the same way about you.

If you don’t try, you’ll always wonder. You may become self conscious or doubt yourself more if you start thinking, well why hasn’t it crossed his mind yet to date me!? Maybe he didn’t think you’d like him back, maybe he has too much on his plate and wouldn’t be able to give you the effort you deserve. All I know is that it’s an unhealthy mental state to be wondering about all the possibilities and insecurities without any sold facts. It will give you a peace of mind to hear his sides of things no matter the outcome.

When is it Time to take a Break from Dating?

So you’ve just gotten home from yet another Okcupid date…Your back hurts from sitting all night, your cheeks burn from all the nervous laugh and perhaps fake upbeat smile you’ve had plastered on, and your heart aches because yet again the Dating Gods have let you down.

You were all excited earlier today, you had been text flirting for weeks, thrilled by the potential- a cute local guy with a decent career, talk about a diamond in the rough these days. But all he did was talk about his fancy job and expensive cars, or his exes, or how he gets blackout every weekend. Its been like this for months, years even and you’ve had enough.

Its time to take a break from dating if:

You’re worn out from all the hype and let down of going on these dates. Your self esteem has started to take a beating from all the disappointment. You’re beginning to think there’s something wrong with you instead of something wrong with the connection.

You’ve lost sight of the type of person you’re looking for and have noticed a slip in your standards. (Don’t settle for sexist Mark just because his teeth are whiter than unemployed Joe’s please oh please girl I beg you). Do you remember what you were looking for when you first got a dating profile? Are you looking for someone to settle down with or are you looking for someone to have adventures with?

You keep picking emotionally unstable men, or more you feel like they pick you. Honey, they’re not picking you. It’s time you did some self reflection and find some stability in yourself so you can start attracting it as well. You might be self sabotaging because you’re really not ready for a relationship, its just that all of your girlfriends are in relationships and your grandma won’t stop talking about your ovaries at the dining room table.

Dating has become your hobby. It’s not a hobby, stop trying to make it one. If you’re spending hours browsing potential matches, then flirting, texting, and preplanning multiple evening long dates, then we need to reevaluate how you spend your time. It was always a bummer seeing some of the same profiles as months and months go by, and then realizing they might be thinking the same thing about you, its a sad look in the mirror. Delete the app and go take a walk in the park. Your profile becomes more interesting if you actually do more things, not because of all the extra time you spend editing it.

Hey you might find that cute guy with a decent career at that park. And No, its not because you finally stopped looking. Its because you finally stopped judging profiles with your unrealistic expectations and obsessing over your very move.

Say No Confidently

I have been on quite a few dates over the years. There is a debate about when to say No to a date/guy. Should you say yes to every guy? Give a fair chance to everyone? Will it burn you out to always be saying Yes? When is the time to say No?

I mentioned before being nudged into a coffee date because I was being called out for judging this guy too quickly. I didn’t want to seem like a judgmental bitch to this stranger (why I would care is another post for another time) so I agreed to coffee. See, I knew I was right that this guy wasn’t a good match for me. That doesn’t make him a bad person or me a better one. It bugged me that I couldn’t say No. Actually I had already said No! It was when I originally said No that he called me judgmental and it’s really quite difficult to say No twice.

So we get coffee and he wasn’t the guy for me. We didn’t have much in common, we didn’t have any chemistry, things he considered fun were things that sounded like my personal nightmare. We were just too different and there wasn’t anything pushing us to make it work anyway. And you shouldn’t have to try to make it work with every person you meet. You’re allowed to be picky. You’re allowed to have standards.

I gotta admit, this post isn’t really for any of you. It’s for me. I’m here to tell myself that it’s okay to say No. It’s okay to stick to your guns. It’s okay to say No as many times as you want! Whenever you want!

You don’t want to go out on a date, don’t go. You like this guy but you don’t want to go back to his house yet, don’t. You went back to his house and the clothes are falling to the bedroom floor, You’re allowed to change your mind and say No. No matter where you are in the relationship or in the moment, you have the freedom and the right to say No. You don’t owe him anything. But you do owe it to yourself to stand up for yourself. Be your own Advocate. Be your own strength.

‘Getting Drinks’ is not a date

I’ve been on probably two non-date coffee dates. One time with Stubborn  in which I believe he was unsure about us and didn’t want to commit to an hour -long meal and a heftier bill. Ironically, that coffee lasted longer than nearly all of my dinner dates. The other coffee date was with some guy I didn’t want to see but he said I judged him too quickly and in order to not look like the bad guy, I agreed to coffee (he was as wrong for me as I originally thought).

When I choose that coffee date with the second guy, I wanted it to come off as noncommittal. I wanted to chug my hot cup in 25 minutes and call it a day no matter the taste bud burns. I didn’t want to be trapped waiting for the waiter to come back and take our meal order. I wanted an easy out.

I’ve also been on two “Let’s get drinks” non-date dates. Now I, personally, am not much of a drinker so the fact that these men suggested drinks means they don’t know me every well nor did they really care to. Those drinks also lasted the noncommittal hour and then they would ask, “Hey, wanna get out of here?” Yes. Yes, I did want to get out of here but sure as hell not with you!

Those were not a ‘let’s get to know each other’ drinks, they were ‘let’s see if you’re interesting enough to want to hook up with’ drinks. They didn’t want to waste time or money truly wooing me. They were lazily looking for something quick and fun. It was their way of ‘sampling the product’ without having to put in the proper amount of time and effort of a real date.

You might be wondering why I continue to call these dates ‘non-dates’ and that’s because the lack of commitment. Coffee or drinks is casual, quick, and easy. It’s kind of like if you just ‘hang out’ with a guy. You’re not really dating him if you’re never seen together in public.

If you really like someone, you probably won’t suggest coffee or drinks as the first option. You’ll be thinking “I really like this person and want to spend as much time with them as possible” and let’s face the facts, coffee just wouldn’t cut it.