dating advice

Should you give advice to failed daters?

I’ve been on LOTS of first dates over the years and after a while they can really start to just blur together. But a few stick out to me and one is this guy who I went out to dinner with. During dinner I realized he wouldn’t be a match for me but after dinner we ended up taking my dog for a walk.

 

At this point to Me, the date was over and I was interested in learning about his past to try and figure out his ‘issues’. We eventually got into exes and he explained he didn’t really want to dive into it with a new person he’s getting to know. I felt terrible, blindsiding him that the date was over and I was just looking to offer him advice for his next stack of daters.

 

As a side note, I want to mention that it is a great idea not to dive into past relationships with someone new! Personally, little facts about ex’s will stay in my head and stop me from enjoying the moment with a new boo. You also have to take what’s said about past relationships with a grain of salt. That relationship was two different personalities with two different backgrounds and that won’t reflect the new relationship you’re building.

 

This leads me to the main point – should you give advice to fellow daters? Years ago, I wanted to. I thought I could help some nice guys out, I thought it might help give them closure as they weren’t left wondering what’s wrong with them that they can’t find a good match, and I’m fascinated by the way life shapes us. But the truth is, everyone is different and wants different things. 

 

The reason that you don’t like someone will be the EXACT reason someone else falls in love with them. If you tell them to hide it or get rid of it, you could be stopping them from finding that perfect match! We’re all different people, we have different interests and different goals for our futures. The wrong puzzle piece for you will be the perfect fit for someone else. So you probably shouldn’t suggest that they saw down their edges.  

 

April Playlist – Crush

 

1.Something to Talk About (1991)

Bonnie Riatt sings of a friends to lovers storyline as the town begins to suspect romance brewing among these friends. These rumors have Bonnie evaluating her friendship and realizing she has caught feelings for her friend!

 

2.Losing Control (2015)  

Russ’s song is about a girl catching feelings but worried she’ll only get her heart broken again. She’s trying to fight these feelings but he keeps treating her well, giving her all of his trust, and showing her what a good love can feel like. 

 

3.Yellow Hearts (2019)

Ant Saunders admires and has growing feelings for a friend but he’s worried he’s reading too far into her responses. She sends yellow heart emojis but he’s not sure if that means she likes him too. Is she playing games? Is she just a sweet girl? Saunders is trying to define the relationship, if there even is one.

 

4.Open (2013)

Rhye already knows he’s falling deeper into what might have started as a casual relationship. He wants to make this relationship into something more and he’s begging her to stay, to fall with him. He’s hoping she can give this a real chance. 

 

5.Falling (2018

Trevor daniel has been hurt before but he finally met someone that has given him hope for love again. He needs that validation from her that she’s feeling the same way about him. She’s all he thinks about and he wants to spend all of his time with her. He’s ready to give her all of his love as long as she is ready to treat him right.

 

6. Falling in Love (2016)

Dennis Kruissen’s song starts with your head in the clouds, feeling dreamy and intoxicated. Love finally happens when you least expect it and you’re praying you get to call somebody your house. He hopes he’s not alone as he’s falling in love.

I’m only giving the energy that I receive

Since I’m back in the dating game I’ve embraced a new philosophy of only giving out the same energy that I’m receiving. I’m tired of chasing after guys and tired of continuing to talk to guys who aren’t giving me the love and respect I deserve. So if you don’t answer my text for 4 days, guess when you’re getting a text back? In another 4 days. If you don’t like it then change your behavior and I’ll change mine.

 

On the other hand, if you text back promptly and we’re vibing then I’ll do the same. I’ll also give you the courteous of telling you if something comes up and I’ll be unavailable for the next few hours. If you want your time to be respected then you have to give me that same respect.

I’ve wondered if this philosophy is petty but I’ve decided to ignore that inkling. The first reason is, this is about maintaining a power balance, holding suitors responsible for their actions, and teaching them the respect you want and deserve.

I’m not double texting you and coming off as needy.

I’m not getting hung up on you, waiting to have your attention.

I’m not going to brush it off when you cancel on me last minute.

I’m not letting you get away with only texting me on the weekends at midnight.

 

If a guy is sweet and attentive, that’s the guy I want to attract and have him feel the same way he makes me feel. If a guy is emotionally unavailable and playing for my attention then you’ve guessed it, I’m unavailable. I’m unavailable for your games because I’m focusing on the guy who is focusing on me.

 

The second reasons is because I’ve recently heard the term Frustration Attraction. When someone doesn’t text you back, when someone doesn’t give you their time or attention, it gets very frustrating. You start to wonder why, if they’re just busy or if it has something to do with you? Are they not in to you, why not? Did you do something wrong? Now you’re obsessing over it, now you’re trying to prove yourself to him. Now the power balance is off.

 

This is why I suggest matching their energy right off the bat. Don’t let the power become unbalanced and don’t let yourself get obsessed and attached so easily. Don’t start putting your eggs in this guy’s basket when he’s barely even looking your way. I used to brush off and ignore this behavior in the beginning and then weeks later suddenly find myself obsessing over this trash character. We’re not standing for it anymore, ladies. We’re out here matching energies and focusing on our lives until there’s an energy out there that deserves us.

Why dependability is the most attractive quality in a man

Now I’m a Taurus girl so security and stability make me weak in the knees but hear me out because I think you’re all about to swoon a little too.

 

A dependable guy just gets better as a relationship progresses. When you first meet him, he responds to your text in a timely manner, shows up to a date at the time he said he would, and doesn’t leave you guessing about how the relationship may be going. 

 

A dependable guy isn’t playing nearly as many games as the average guy in this modern dating app culture. You’re not getting left on read and you don’t have to play the game of who texts who first. You’re already more secure in the connection. You know where you stand because he’s standing steady. 

 

In a relationship, you can depend on him to be there for you emotionally and for him to hold a steady belief in your relationship growing. In a marriage, you can depend on him to be a partner in taking care of the household and be a stand up father to your kids. 

 

A dependable guy will be there physically when he says he will and he’ll be there for you emotionally when you need him to be. That feeling of security in a relationship immediately releases a load of stress. Less stress in a relationship helps you stay in sync and strive together in harmony. 

 

Why I like being single for now

Relationships are great and I know in time I will look forward to being in one again. But right now, there is a lot of enjoyment of being single! It’s a lot less stress for me to be single and here’s all the ways that’s true.

 

I saved a ton of money on gifts this holiday season. Let’s be honest, relationships require financial effort for dinners, trips, gifts, and fun date activities. You can date on a budget but being single now, I’m back in saving mode. The holiday season can sometimes include your significant other’s family if you’ve formed that bond. I was very lucky and got along with my ex’s family very well but I can’t ignore the fact that I saved a ton of money not having to get gifts for my ex and his family this holiday. 

 

Less stress, I just go about my business in my lane. There’s a give and take with this one. Every relationship has its ups and downs. When you’re single, you no longer have to suffer through the downs! You’re mood is steady, content. This also means it doesn’t go gleefully high. No exciting butterflies in the stomach. No thrill when you see their name on your phone screen. But there’s less emotional labor when you’re just looking out for yourself. My heart is safe and resting, no pressure there.

 

I’m not stressed about getting someone to like me. Not stressed about dates. I’m single single. If a guy is talking to me now, I very freely tell him No when I disagree with plans or topics. I don’t need to impress him, I don’t need to compromise. If the connection dies because I say No, then I have no problem with that. 

 

I have no guilt; I can do what I want with my time and not feel bad about neglecting my significant other. I don’t have to divide up my time. I can focus on my projects. I can feel good about the time I put towards friends and family instead of feeling like I’m choosing them over or under my boyfriend. I can watch whatever TV I want, whenever I want, at any volume I want.

 

This is a nice change of pace and freedom after having been in a long term relationship. Like all of you, I make the best out of every situation I’m in. I’ll start stressing about finding a relationship when I’m ready for that.

 

Talking to Multiple Daters

Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching so I thought it would be a fun time to talk about why it’s okay and common to talk to multiple daters at the same time while using dating apps.

 

When on dating apps you tend to get a batch of matches at the same time. This increases your chances of starting multiple conversations at the same time. Based solely on numbers, it’s nearly impossible to only talk to one person at a time. You could miss out on making a great connection if you wait too long to talk to someone.

 

Since you’re getting batches of matches on different days, you’ll progress in conversations at different rates. You’ll be ready to meet one guy as you start out with hellos with someone else. When meeting someone for the first time, you still don’t know how much you like them and if there’s any in person chemistry. It’s perfectly normal to still keep up conversation with other people so that you’re not starting from complete scratch if the date doesn’t go well.

 

Having connections with more than one person, helps with the let down when a date doesn’t go well or if someone randomly ghosts you. You don’t have to keep all your eggs in one basket. You also don’t want to seem needy or lame, so talking to multiple people helps keep each conversation casual and replies at a normal speed.

 

Talking to multiple people is a completely normal practice in the modern online dating world and you can delete the apps or stop talking to daters at your own speed. Just be honest about what you’re looking for and what your expectations are.

 

Post Break Up Cliches

There so many Cliches for how people act post break up, here are all the ones I fell into. Let me know in the comments which ones you fell into!

 

Posting on social media a lot

I wanted to quickly start moving on with my life and put distance between myself and this chapter that had just ended. Visually it helped to see a lot of recent photos being added to instagram. It helped seeing that I was still living life, that it wasn’t over just because my relationship was.

 

Reconnected with friends  

I didn’t drop my friends when I entered a relationship. There were friends that I had drifted away from for years and it just coincidentally happened that they reached out a month or so after my relationship ended. It was great timing though since I suddenly had a lot more time on my hands. And what can I say, around the holidays there are a lot of reunions lol.

 

Falling back to what’s familiar  

I’ll bring you all back to 2016 with Stubborn (I cringe even linking this because I was so delusional back then, and now) . He’s a friend for many years that I connected to and he was always a sort of comfort while I was struggling through the dating world. I’m not interested in meeting anyone new but Stubborn is familiar and safe. I wanted a friend and distraction from loneliness.

 

Trying to lose that relationship weight  

Let’s be honest, we all put on that relationship 20 -40lb. As soon as you get on dating apps you realize that 80% of the profiles mention going to the gym or some form of activity. So single again, you have to start putting effort into your appear. You’re funny, kind, and smart but if we’re honest, a photo doesn’t spell that out for everyone.

 

Other cliches that I did not fall into:

 

Hop right back in the dating scene

As they love to say ‘the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone new’. Honestly the idea of talking to someone new, let alone going on a date, is one of the last things I want to do. I’m just not interested. 

 

Reinvent myself

I still have the same hobbies as when I was in a relationship. I’m not chopping all my hair off or hanging out with a party hard crowd. Maybe some minor changes but I like who I am and when I’m ready, someone else will too.

 

Cry into a tub of ice cream  

I love ice cream but I don’t need that emotional crutch. I have a lot more free time on my hands but I’m not miserable and sad because of it. I’m focused on my family and school these days and my blog has never been better.

 

Reach back out to my ex

I had thought a lot about my future with my ex before deciding to end things so I knew that when I was done, I was really and truly done. I had given that relationship all my effort and I realized it wasn’t how I wanted to spend my future. I have no left over feelings or need for additional closure so I don’t want to reach back out again. 

 

I’m happy I don’t really care about dating apps right now

I knew when I downloaded the apps that I didn’t want to jump right into anything. I also knew it takes a long time to meet someone you actually want to go on more than one date with so I wasn’t too worried about it. The reason I downloaded the apps in the first place right after the break up was because I wasn’t sure I could handle all the sudden down time and lack of daily communication to someone. 

People would ask what I was looking for on the apps and I found it kind of difficult to answer because I really didn’t know. As some conversations progressed to the potential of meeting up I found out that I really wasn’t interested in that so soon after becoming single. I found myself falling into one of the distinct categories of app users; I was on the apps just to talk but never meet up and basically just waste my time so I would be less bored.

Swiping through users was just a game to pass time and I found bumble annoying because it forced me to start a conversation within 24 hours. I tried a few apps just to see what they were about but in the end found myself using tinder the most of it’s easy, basic use. After a few weeks, I let new matches sit for days before even thinking about reaching out and in general, just spending less time on the app at all.

I didn’t really care for the conversations, they were all the same and I didn’t want them leading anywhere. Since I wasn’t looking for any type of partner there wasn’t much reason or interest to swipe through the sea of potential daters either.

I’m content to just make plans with my sisters, work on my blog, watch new tv shows, and focus on my schoolwork. I’ve been debating with myself when I might be interested in dating again and the answer is definitely not anytime soon. It’s a very different attitude than I’ve had for the past 5 years but I’m really happy with it. 

 

Quarterly Favorites Recap – December

The last quarterly favorites recap of 2019!

Check out :           March                 June                 September

to see how the rest of the year went!

 

  1. Favorite show: I just finished season two of Jack Ryan on Amazon Prime! I’m also watching The Rookie and Stumptown via Hulu (both are on ABC).

 

  1. Favorite tweet: I was looking through my tweets and saw I was talking about naps and sleeping a lot so why don’t we all just take a look at that haha

Screen Shot 2019-12-01 at 7.18.33 PMScreen Shot 2019-12-01 at 7.18.05 PMScreen Shot 2019-12-01 at 7.17.53 PMScreen Shot 2019-12-01 at 7.17.10 PMScreen Shot 2019-12-01 at 7.16.56 PMScreen Shot 2019-12-01 at 7.16.41 PM

 

  1. Favorite blog post: I’m starting to write articles like I did back in 2017 such as What changed in dating apps. I excited to be going back to my roots and how this blog started out. I hope you guys are enjoying it too!

 

  1. Favorite phase /word to say: If I had to pick something I guess it would be ‘Can’t Relate’ mostly when people are talking about all the crazy, drunk things they get up to with their friends going out to the bars every weekend.

 

  1. Favorite thing you did: Watched Sunday football at a local bar with my cousins and family. I also saw the broadway play Come From Away.

 

 

  1. Favorite artist: It’s that Holiday Season so I’ll list some of my favorite Christmas songs!

Blue Christmas -Elvis

Please Come Home For Christmas- Eagles

All I Want For Christmas is You – Mariah Carey

Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer – Elmo & Patsy

 

  1. Favorite Poem: I have two newer poems that are really catching my eye and hopefully they’ll catch yours too: Close Enough and Fallen Angel

 

How to stop from getting in a relationship rut Part 1

Let’s face it, things slip from time to time. You get stressed and he gets busy and the relationship falls down the list. So how can you fix it?

 

Special date night

Any time you read an article like this, a scheduled date night always makes the list so let’s get it out of the way now. In the beginning of the relationship, dates were always planned, effort was always put into the outfit and location, and there was plenty of days between seeing each other. As a relationship progresses you see more and more of each other – the real each other that isn’t always dressed up and excited about a social night out. 

You may see each other everyday, dinner isn’t cooked by a professional chef, and a night in front of the TV in your sweats sounds like the perfect night. A comfort forms and less effort is put in to showing how you feeling. Here is where you have to learn to recreate that effort. Try something new like a cooking or painting class and you may learn a new talent your parent has and even laugh along the way. Dress up and enjoy a candlelight dinner to light a slow burn on romance. Or if you want to be budget friendly, bring some sandwiches to the beach to watch the sunset and walk the boardwalk. Maybe plan a surprise date that your significant other could really enjoy.

There are plenty of options for date night so try to not instantly shut down the idea. If we’re honest, date night might have to be a habit you work to form. Life gets busy and you just want to numb your stressed out brain with some wine and TV. But date night can be a stress reliever and can turn into a slice of relaxation you start to look forward to each week.  

 

Communicate 

The biggest thing is you don’t know what your partner is thinking! And they can’t read your mind either! You may feel like the relationship is getting into a rut and they might not even know its a concern, so you have to communicate to them the uneasiness you’re feeling. Or with all this time spent together, your partner is irritated with some habits you have, but they haven’t told you what’s wrong and instead just push away, letting the relationship fall down. 

Pick your battles but know that when things start to pile up it’s time to unload. Staying open with your partner can stop an ant hill from ever turning into a mountain otherwise you’ll find yourself in this valley between those two mountains. It’s good to check in with your partner regularly to make sure you two are always on the same page  

 

Just make out

It might seem like a faint memory now but in the beginning there was newness to this relationship and excitement of learning a new person. You might even remember that first kiss you shared. Sometimes there can feel like this pressure that a kiss is always going to lead to more, and you might not be in the mood for more. Both of you can make a point to just make out and let the excitement build again. Taking the pressure off can get you in the mood for all types of romances.  

 

The satisfaction of finally understanding why it didn’t work out with the other guys

It’s usually called a childhood crush because it’s at some point during your childhood you have this crush but mine was my ENTIRE childhood. I became acquainted with unrequited love at a young age. I was smart, funny, and could play sports with the boys – what’s not to like about 10 year old me? I was a good friend, a great listener, and I really made an effort to spend time together but a good friend was all I got to be.

 

No matter what I did, he just wasn’t interested in more. It really stunts the growth of a developing self esteem. Like a rubik’s cube, I wanted to see what I could change until it finally clicked for him. The thing is, at that young age you have no idea who you are and who you want to be.

  

My high school crush was more of the same unrequited love. After Freshmen year we didn’t really have classes together and we weren’t in the same circle to begin with. Looking back on years of embarrassing attempts at gaining his attention, I can only hope he doesn’t actually remember me. Or at least the me I was back then because I’m not who I was back then and of course, neither is he. Seeing more of who he is now, I wonder just how much about him was all made up in my head back then.

 

Post college was Mr right. This time, someone who liked me back and wanted to get to know me. Unfortunately, as we got to know each other, we realized we weren’t on the same page about important topics. And that’s what it comes down to with all my other crushes as well. We want very different things out of life.  

 

The boys I knew have now been replaced as young adults I don’t really know. They’re different from who they were 10 years ago, as am I. Now I can clearly see just how different we are and the paths we are taking. It never would have worked out back then because the places we are now in our lives are so far apart from each other. Values, relationships, politics, future families, careers, and lifestyle choices just did not line up in enough boxes. You can fill in your own boxes with you and your ex’s choices and maybe you’ll also feel some relieving clarity of why some relationships just didn’t work out.