dating apps

Modern Online Dating Etiquette

Times have definitely changed when it comes to dating and it’s time these dating rules get an update. No more waiting three days to call nor footing every bill to the male. We’re strong, independent women who no longer need a man…still we want him.

In a previous post, I briefly mentioned this guy who would talk about his other dates on our dates. That’s rule number 1, when using dating apps we all know you’re in different stages of talking and dating multiple people. You’re doing it, I’m doing it, he’s doing it, the trick is to not be the jerk who talks about it. You don’t impress me by telling me about the obsessive girl texting you during our date and I definitely don’t care about the girl you saw last night when I was busy. Instead, I’ll think you’re more interested in those girls or maybe just a guy who’s so starved for attention he needs it from multiple girls.

But with everyone going on multiple dates, you need to make an impression and establish a connection quicker. In the past you might keep the conversation light so you don’t rock the boat too early, but now we tend to dive into important topics within the first couple of dates. There are so many profiles and options with online dating, you need to know if this person is a good match for you ASAP so you don’t waste your time and miss out on a better fish.

Before the age of texting, suitors used to wait three days to call, I guess in order to not seem too desperate? Now you can text the same night the date ends or the next day, saying how you enjoyed yourself, thanking them for a fun evening, and hoping to see them again. It’s no longer seen as desperate, in fact if you wait longer than the next day they’re more likely to think you’re not interested and probably move on.

I wrote about when the right time for a first kiss is but with the way modern dating is going now, people are doing a lot more than just kissing on the first date. Some people are just looking for something casual and there are plenty of long-term couples that say they started out just hooking up so there’s really no rule now on how soon is too soon. As long as you’re both being honest about what you’re looking for, then go all the way on the first day and have fun!

The etiquette of a man always paying for dates started long ago when it made much more sense in society. Society has been changing though with more women in the workforce and the wage gap closing in. The bill doesn’t always have to fall on the man now, plenty of couples go dutch or figure out other ways to share equal weight of the finances.

Let me know of some more modern dating rules you follow in the comments!

 

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The Dating Curse -Part Two

Months ago I wrote about my dating curse with having relationships end as soon as I deleted my dating apps. I combatted this curse while dating my boyfriend by just deleting the apps after our second date. This way, I couldn’t blame the apps if things didn’t work out.

The second curse I forgot to mention is my 7 week curse. I think all of my dating relationships have a 7 week lifespan. This curse was kind of broken by Mr Romantic but his work schedule would cause him to be away for several weeks at a time and that could have confused the curse, plus we never reached Boyfriend/Girlfriend label.

When I first started dating my current boyfriend and telling my friends about him, I also happened to tell a friend about this curse and how I worried things could be going too well. She laughed at how I was able to make up such a curse and it was finally at that moment I realized

OMG I’M LITERALLY CREATING A PROBLEM OUT OF THIN AIR!!

I didn’t have a dating curse, I have intimacy issues. And in a desperate attempt to save myself from not having to be vulnerable, I made up this curse.

(SPOILER ALERT: I made up the first dating ‘curse’ too)

In my current relationship, we very quickly graduated from casually dating to official Boyfriend/Girlfriend status. This would normally have my intimacy issues in full-blown panic mode, “it’s all moving too fast” “is he positive he actually likes me” “how embarrassing will it be if we ‘break up’ in a month”. I’m a bit of a runner when it comes to relationships so the fact that I wasn’t feeling any of those alarm bells had me thinking that I had beat my intimacy issues!

And then my thoughts started circling this 7 week curse and I realized, No I still have intimacy issues, they’re just wearing a different costume this time. They won’t win this time though because with knowledge comes power. Now that I’m aware of how my intimacy issues are acting this time, I can make a conscious effort to fight them and be the healthier version of me that gets to keep this great guy.

Of course, this is a war against my issues and insecurities, I won’t win every battle so make sure to read next week’s article on how I nearly sabotage my relationship.

 

Is Online Dating Embarrassing?

The date had gone well and he was walking me to my car when instead of asking about our second date he says “we gotta start thinking about what we’re going to tell people about how we met”. Honestly, I was a little taken back. Should I be offended? Is he embarrassed of me? about how we met?

Of course, I couldn’t really be offended because I had similar thoughts just last week. Dating apps are where all the people who have been rejected in their real life congregate. Honestly though, that’s not exactly true. If you work really long hours or in an industry predominately populated by the gender you’re not interested in then you’re just not meeting enough people in the outside world that you could even consider dating. When I first joined online dating, I was in college surrounded mainly by college guys who were only interested in hooking up and partying. Since neither of those interests me, I decided to search for people who actually matched my interests.

Perhaps 5 years ago, when dating apps were much less mainstream, the few people meeting online would be embarrassed about admitting how they met. Now though, 49,650,000 people have tried online dating out of the 54,350,000 singles in the US. For those that haven’t given it a try, they probably still know a relative, friend, or coworker who is on a dating app. So if you’re talking to someone under 75 years old then you most likely don’t have to worry about anyone asking which fishing dock is named Plenty of Fish.

But maybe the issue isn’t IF people know about dating apps, it’s WHAT they know about them. Are dating apps seen in a negative light? Do people look down at those on such sites? But with one-third of marriages starting online, it now seems like an appropriate possibility with reasonable success for relationships. Sure, Tinder will probably always be seen as the hook up app or just a mobile game everyone plays now to pass the time. But even then, I still know a couple that originally met on Tinder now planning their wedding for next year.

Or maybe, it’s time we care less about what people think of us and our dating lives. If you’re dating a guy who treats you well and makes you happy, who cares how you met him! Your close friends and family will forget all about his dating profile once they begin to see him together with you more. And for everyone else’s opinions who don’t really matter, you’ll be too busy holding hands and making future plans to ever worry about such opinions.

 

I Finally Got a Boyfriend!

So if you read my Liebster Award post back in August, I kind of let it slip that I recently got a new boyfriend!! (which by the way, is such a weird way to say that, it sounds like I just brought one from the store or something…) He’s also Dater #4 ( the good kisser lol) from Back in the Saddle if you read that post and were taking your guesses as to whom I was going to see again.

I’ve got some bad news and good news for all my fellow singletons out there, the good news is you don’t have to have the perfect dating profile, play hard to get, or follow any other dating rule out there because finding a significant other is basically all up to chance and fate. The bad news is all this effort you’ve been putting in to having the dating scene figured out and thinking you’re another step closer to finding your partner is pretty much bologna because finding a significant other is basically all up to chance and fate. I consider all those saying about finding love complete nonsense if I’m being honest.

You’ll find love once you stop looking for it: Lies. I went on 4 dates in the same week, I was 100% looking for love. I have been on the hunt for the past 2.5-3 years now. The only way in which this phrase kinda works in regards to my boyfriend was that I had no expectations for our first date, in fact each of us were considering cancelling on the other!

You won’t find love until you learn to love yourself: Another lie. This one has always bothered me a little bit since I do struggle with self-love and the fact that I wasn’t finding a good match was just cementing the idea that I was unloveable. You’re too close to yourself to see the big picture clearly of who you are as a whole. You nitpick at yourself rather than acknowledging the general idea that you’re a good person that just makes mistakes like every other human.

I do believe in self sabotage though, whether its subconscious or not, I used to pick emotionally unavailable men because I was afraid of showing the real me and getting hurt or abandoned. It also took meeting a good guy to realize how much I was settling because I didn’t realize how much more effort and consideration I deserved from a partner. My boyfriend compliments me all the time my intelligence, my creativity, my body, my nurturing skills, and every other part of me. I know it’s up to me to work on any issues of self-doubt but his support shines the light on parts of me I overlook and often expect more from. I can be a work in progress and be loveable at the same time. I can still love someone else while learning to fully love myself.

Of course, I’m sure there will be someone reading this who had one these clichés work for them or someone they know. The cliché for me and the boyfriend is “Timing is Everything” but I would never give someone the advice of waiting for a guy or periodically checking in on old flames to see if the timing is better now haha. We weren’t waiting around for each other which made the two of us very surprised with what we discovered that first date but that definitely will not be the case for everyone else (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE DON’T WAIT AROUND ON A GUY HOPING HE’LL GET HIS ACT TOGETHER OR SUDDENLY FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU) But I think everyone should take each cliché with a grain of salt. You don’t know which one will end up being yours, if any at all.

In the beginning of this article I said finding love is all up to chance… but staying in love is a choice you’ll make over and over again, don’t confuse the two.

When Should the First Kiss be?

There’s not exactly a set time, but there is definitely a window from date number two to date number four with the sweet spot being at the end of two or three. Timing is super important here. You want to make sure a connection is there before jumping the gun.

Trust me there is nothing worst than going in for a kiss too soon.

If a woman isn’t ready for that kind of intimacy than you only seem disrespectful and aggressive and that’s a sure-fire way to sink your chances with her. You can gage how ready your potential suitor might be by starting with casual touches such as shoulder brushing and a brief hand on the arm. If that seems to go well then you might lean in more during conversation or sit closer so you both might get used to each other in your personal space. From there, more frequent touching, hand holding, and hugging will help build the physical connection. It’s totally normal for it to feel a little uncomfortable from the new sensation and the nervous butterflies, so there’s no need to rush any physical contact.

That’s why it can take two to four dates in order to establish this connection and build up to the first kiss. You both want to be thinking about and craving this kind of intimacy. Of course, everyone moves at a different pace and just like the possibility of moving too fast, there is also the mistake of moving too slow. If you wait too long, he may think you’re not really interested in him romantically. You’ll go from potential dater to friend and watch as he turns his focus to other girls to pursue romantically.

When I first began dating, I obviously had a lot less experience and because of that I definitely did not want a kiss on the first date. I thought it was too soon and if a guy tried I thought it meant he was disingenuous. That was nearly three-year ago now and it wasn’t really until a couple of months ago that I changed my mind on first date kisses.

I still believe the second date is probably better and more popular but as long as I am forming a connection and climbing the ladder of physical contact then I’ve become more accepting of first date kissing. As long as your partner and you feel comfortable, than you can move at whatever pace you want and change that pace when you want!

What Male Dating Profiles are Doing Wrong

Some guys might be wondering if there’s anything wrong with their profiles that are causing the lack in lady traffic or responses. Since I’ve been browsing profiles for a few years now I believe I have seen just about everything and might be able to point out some improvements.

Don’t: The profile that only has group pictures. I understand if you’re a guy who doesn’t like taking selfies or perhaps you’re trying to show how social you are. But if your profile only consists or 2 or 3 group pictures, chances are I’m not going to know which one is you. Due to the uncertainty or the effort required on my part to now do some investigative work and figure out if you’re the cute one or no, I’ll probably just swipe left. (Chances are you weren’t the cute one anyway).

Instead: Do a mix of group and solo shots. This way we know exactly who to be looking for and we also know other people like hanging out with you.

Don’t: The shirtless pictures. I mean I understand that gym/ cross fit fad going on and you’re showing off your results and how hip you are but come on man. I’ll either think you’re shallow or you hook up with someone who is shallow. Why don’t we let your muscles be an added bonus once we met?

Instead: Of course, if you’re just here to hook up then keep the picture, a girl will want to know what she’s working with. The only acceptable shirtless picture is one from the beach because it’s more nature and less staged to show off.

Don’t: Posing with Cars/Car pictures. If the picture is just of the car then you’re just flashing your money and you’re going to attract girls who only want your money. Or this is your project car and you’re a hobby mechanic in which these girls will have to know that car is your mistress. I’m not entirely sure that posing with the car is any better. Sure at least you’re in the picture and you could maybe make the argument that you’ve not showing off your muscle car but trust me, you don’t look cool leaning against the hood with your arms folded nor stretched out..

Instead: Maybe just include a line in your bio how you would love to take your date on a drive or how working on cars is one of your hobbies.

Don’t: The next issue could be from your bio. The two biggest issues are when a guy makes demands and when he’s very negative. Requirements like ‘short girls only’ or ‘no drama queens’ will most likely not give you the results you hope for. For starters, you limit your pool and seem shallow. Secondly, you seem like you don’t respect girls or can’t take responsibility for your own actions. There’s either a reason you have a crazy ex or you’re just making up the fact that she’s crazy.

Instead: You can get away with comments like “redheads are my weakness” and the like but stay away from close minded demands and requirements. Also don’t trash talk girls while trying to talk to a girl.. Just say positive things you are looking for in a girl like down to earth, fun, or loves to just chill on the couch.

Picky Daters

For me, first dates take a lot of mental effort. It requires you to carve out new time in your routine, the nervousness of meeting someone new, and as a reserved and introverted being, the social draining from constant conversation for multiple hours.

For these reasons, I don’t jump at every date. If I’ve only been talking to a guy about really trivial things for the past three days then I may want more time getting to know him before agreeing to give him my free afternoon. I’ve been coerced into first dates before and have learned to stick with my gut now. There’s always going to be a few things you have in common with a stranger, that doesn’t mean you’re meant to be.

It’s also important I ask what their intentions are before agreeing to meet up as well. I want to go on an actual date, not just chill at your house or in your car. Those can be part of the date but not the main event. I want to know that you’re making an effort to get to know me not just buying your time before you try to shove your tongue down my throat.

So I’m picky about who I agree to go on dates with. I’m not looking to waste anyone’s time, money, or gas. If I agree to go on a date with you then it’s because I think there will end up being more than one date. I don’t want to go on 50 first dates, I want to develop something deeper than that. I’m worth getting to know and I’m worth the effort of planning a date.