dating apps

Why dependability is the most attractive quality in a man

Now I’m a Taurus girl so security and stability make me weak in the knees but hear me out because I think you’re all about to swoon a little too.

 

A dependable guy just gets better as a relationship progresses. When you first meet him, he responds to your text in a timely manner, shows up to a date at the time he said he would, and doesn’t leave you guessing about how the relationship may be going. 

 

A dependable guy isn’t playing nearly as many games as the average guy in this modern dating app culture. You’re not getting left on read and you don’t have to play the game of who texts who first. You’re already more secure in the connection. You know where you stand because he’s standing steady. 

 

In a relationship, you can depend on him to be there for you emotionally and for him to hold a steady belief in your relationship growing. In a marriage, you can depend on him to be a partner in taking care of the household and be a stand up father to your kids. 

 

A dependable guy will be there physically when he says he will and he’ll be there for you emotionally when you need him to be. That feeling of security in a relationship immediately releases a load of stress. Less stress in a relationship helps you stay in sync and strive together in harmony. 

 

Talking to Multiple Daters

Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching so I thought it would be a fun time to talk about why it’s okay and common to talk to multiple daters at the same time while using dating apps.

 

When on dating apps you tend to get a batch of matches at the same time. This increases your chances of starting multiple conversations at the same time. Based solely on numbers, it’s nearly impossible to only talk to one person at a time. You could miss out on making a great connection if you wait too long to talk to someone.

 

Since you’re getting batches of matches on different days, you’ll progress in conversations at different rates. You’ll be ready to meet one guy as you start out with hellos with someone else. When meeting someone for the first time, you still don’t know how much you like them and if there’s any in person chemistry. It’s perfectly normal to still keep up conversation with other people so that you’re not starting from complete scratch if the date doesn’t go well.

 

Having connections with more than one person, helps with the let down when a date doesn’t go well or if someone randomly ghosts you. You don’t have to keep all your eggs in one basket. You also don’t want to seem needy or lame, so talking to multiple people helps keep each conversation casual and replies at a normal speed.

 

Talking to multiple people is a completely normal practice in the modern online dating world and you can delete the apps or stop talking to daters at your own speed. Just be honest about what you’re looking for and what your expectations are.

 

Digital Love Language

Some of us may be familiar with the 5 love languages but I thought with this modern dating era, there might be a second layer.

 

Constant Texting

Some people want that constant connection and interaction. They want to talk about their day, about events with friends, and random childhood memories. They want to learn everything about you, every detail and corner of your mind. These couples place high value on long notes detailing how much you love them and being the first thing you think of when you wake up. 

 

Facetime  

You don’t need the constant communication but when you do communicate you want it to have more quality. You want to vent and tell stories to each other with full animation and all the tea. Some couples just feel more connected by being in the same environment together and not necessarily talking. You want to see that smile, hear that laugh, and see their face light up when talking about their day

 

Sending Memes

These individuals may have a hard time expressing how they feel in their own words so they use art and published words to tell someone how they’re feeling. This is an easy, maybe passive way of keeping a connection which can be good for when you have a crush on someone. It also works well in long term relationship as a simple way to show that they’re thinking about you throughout the day. This is a way to make your partner laugh or communicate the type of mood you’re in.

 

Social Media  

They need everyone to know just how much they love you! They’re so proud of all your accomplishments, they’ll have a picture and paragraph for every one. Their social media followers will know of every good deed you’ve done from cooking dinner to trips to the beach. They may also know about every fight or embarrassing act you’ve done as well though. For better or worse, their followers have front row seats to your relationship.

 

Post Break Up Cliches

There so many Cliches for how people act post break up, here are all the ones I fell into. Let me know in the comments which ones you fell into!

 

Posting on social media a lot

I wanted to quickly start moving on with my life and put distance between myself and this chapter that had just ended. Visually it helped to see a lot of recent photos being added to instagram. It helped seeing that I was still living life, that it wasn’t over just because my relationship was.

 

Reconnected with friends  

I didn’t drop my friends when I entered a relationship. There were friends that I had drifted away from for years and it just coincidentally happened that they reached out a month or so after my relationship ended. It was great timing though since I suddenly had a lot more time on my hands. And what can I say, around the holidays there are a lot of reunions lol.

 

Falling back to what’s familiar  

I’ll bring you all back to 2016 with Stubborn (I cringe even linking this because I was so delusional back then, and now) . He’s a friend for many years that I connected to and he was always a sort of comfort while I was struggling through the dating world. I’m not interested in meeting anyone new but Stubborn is familiar and safe. I wanted a friend and distraction from loneliness.

 

Trying to lose that relationship weight  

Let’s be honest, we all put on that relationship 20 -40lb. As soon as you get on dating apps you realize that 80% of the profiles mention going to the gym or some form of activity. So single again, you have to start putting effort into your appear. You’re funny, kind, and smart but if we’re honest, a photo doesn’t spell that out for everyone.

 

Other cliches that I did not fall into:

 

Hop right back in the dating scene

As they love to say ‘the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone new’. Honestly the idea of talking to someone new, let alone going on a date, is one of the last things I want to do. I’m just not interested. 

 

Reinvent myself

I still have the same hobbies as when I was in a relationship. I’m not chopping all my hair off or hanging out with a party hard crowd. Maybe some minor changes but I like who I am and when I’m ready, someone else will too.

 

Cry into a tub of ice cream  

I love ice cream but I don’t need that emotional crutch. I have a lot more free time on my hands but I’m not miserable and sad because of it. I’m focused on my family and school these days and my blog has never been better.

 

Reach back out to my ex

I had thought a lot about my future with my ex before deciding to end things so I knew that when I was done, I was really and truly done. I had given that relationship all my effort and I realized it wasn’t how I wanted to spend my future. I have no left over feelings or need for additional closure so I don’t want to reach back out again. 

 

Dating apps can make you healthier

Dating apps are about showing your best self, or at least what you think daters want to see. There are certain trends that go on in the dating world as far as hobbies and interests are concerned. In order to seem more appealing to potential suitors you could find yourself getting interested in these hobbies. I have to say, a lot of them will make you an all around healthier and happier being. 

 

GYM

The first one is the Gym. Majority of the profiles will mention going to the gym or some other physical activity that keeps them in shape. This could persuade you to also get a membership to keep your body healthy and peak interest from more suitors.

 

TRAVEL

Perhaps the second biggest bio is traveling. People love to talk about their exciting adventures and show off pictures. It’s something cool and fun to talk about. Traveling makes you more cultured and educated by learning different ethnic languages and backgrounds. 

 

FRIENDS

In a profile you definitely want to show off that other people like your company by having pictures of you and your friends at a bar or event. To attract suitors you’ll want to do this as well and hanging out with friends is a great way to relax and relieve stress. Keeping a social life is part of maintaining a healthy balance of your life between work or school. Friends can help you through difficult situations and help you feel less alone.

 

FOODIE

There are plenty of foodies on dating sites that can help you explore cuisine from all over the world. You can also discover healthier food options that you might not have heard about before. Some may even try out a vegan diet.

 

I’m happy I don’t really care about dating apps right now

I knew when I downloaded the apps that I didn’t want to jump right into anything. I also knew it takes a long time to meet someone you actually want to go on more than one date with so I wasn’t too worried about it. The reason I downloaded the apps in the first place right after the break up was because I wasn’t sure I could handle all the sudden down time and lack of daily communication to someone. 

People would ask what I was looking for on the apps and I found it kind of difficult to answer because I really didn’t know. As some conversations progressed to the potential of meeting up I found out that I really wasn’t interested in that so soon after becoming single. I found myself falling into one of the distinct categories of app users; I was on the apps just to talk but never meet up and basically just waste my time so I would be less bored.

Swiping through users was just a game to pass time and I found bumble annoying because it forced me to start a conversation within 24 hours. I tried a few apps just to see what they were about but in the end found myself using tinder the most of it’s easy, basic use. After a few weeks, I let new matches sit for days before even thinking about reaching out and in general, just spending less time on the app at all.

I didn’t really care for the conversations, they were all the same and I didn’t want them leading anywhere. Since I wasn’t looking for any type of partner there wasn’t much reason or interest to swipe through the sea of potential daters either.

I’m content to just make plans with my sisters, work on my blog, watch new tv shows, and focus on my schoolwork. I’ve been debating with myself when I might be interested in dating again and the answer is definitely not anytime soon. It’s a very different attitude than I’ve had for the past 5 years but I’m really happy with it. 

 

20 Funny reasons you can swipe left

Being on dating apps can wear you down quick if you don’t learn to find ways to laugh through the rough swipes. So here’s 20 Funny reasons you can swipe left!

  1. You don’t like their name

  2. its taking more than 10 seconds to figure out which person you should actually be looking for in all those group shots

  3. they wear their baseball caps weirdly high on their head

    Screen Shot 2019-10-14 at 8.41.05 PM
    http://www.modernman.com
  4. If his friends are hotter

  5. They flaunt their car too much

  6. There’s only one picture and it’s not even of a person

  7. All that vape smoke they’re exhaling is not impressing anyone

  8. They think they’re cool (have some humble pie)

  9. They don’t include their face at all

  10. Their bio says something like “good vibes only” or nothing at all

  11. They have a soul patch (or any other terrible facial hair)

  12. Their first picture is not of themselves (this has been a pretty good rule of thumb because normally clicking for the second photo is never worth it)

  13. because you know your mom won’t like their tattoo sleeve Screen Shot 2019-10-14 at 8.44.08 PM

  14. They make fun of what a girl’s bio usually says

  15. They talk about how they hate this app and don’t even know why they’re on it

  16. They’re just visiting town for a week or so 

  17. He has any piercings 

  18. They’re still using high school pictures

  19. They make any sort of demand in their bio (ie. ‘make me laugh’, ‘must be a fellow gymrat’, or something disgustingly dominant)

  20. If they have too many hunting or fishing pictures 

Tinder’s Swipe Night

Tinder seems to be out with a new marketing tool in order to get users on the app. It’s called Swipe Night!

Screen Shot 2019-10-21 at 1.33.33 PM

 

October 6th was the first I ever saw of this so I’m not sure how long it’s been going on for but I can tell you about this series. This series seems to be 4 episodes long which means it runs from October 6th to the 27th. It’s only on Sundays from 6PM -midnight, I’m assuming it knows everyone’s time zones so perhaps hours vary.

Screen Shot 2019-10-28 at 1.24.26 PM

So the deal is you watch a 5 minute video making 3 decisions along the way that shapes your adventure. You can later learn if other users make the same choices you did. This series follows a Comet Party that turns into an end of the world scenario. Chaos ensues and it’s up to you to decide where you want to go, if you want to help anyone, and some other minor decisions. It’s quick, easy to use, and fairly entertaining so I say it’s a good job done by the Tinder Marketing team.

The first episode was probably my favorite perhaps because it was knew but definitely because it asked a really good question. In this series you have 3 friends that talk to you. You quickly learn your male friend is cheating on his girlfriend and you have the option to Tell the Girlfriend or Keep the Secret. Then when you’re swiping you can see which answer your suitors picked and immediately know where their values lie.

Here’s how it looks when you’re on someone’s profile:

For anything you both have in common, it’s in Blue. On the left you can see I only had 1 choice in common and more importantly to me, they choose to cover for their friend and hide the cheating.

On the right, I ended the episode at the same spot and we had 2 other choices in common. From the 3 answers I could say we both value honest and like puppies. And he could say I’m more social media obsessed than he is. So you could learn some useful things without having to ask in conversation. Seeing the answers could also be a conversation starter.

In later episodes, I’ve noticed that I sometimes picked a choice that the game/ video didn’t agree with and ‘my friends’/the actors would say something that would redirect us to how the game wants the episode to play out. Noticing this, I then considered picking the more aggressive choice just to see how the virtual game would play out. If you continue on this trend then sharing common answers with other users becomes useless.

The biggest issue of all though, is that after you play the episode you can then go back to swiping but that Sunday night, the app does not seem to factor in location at all. I consider it a waste because that night I would mainly see profiles 40- 99 miles away from my location. No one I would ever realistically end up meeting in person and pointless to form any connection as it would never develop into anything else.

Now Tinder does have a bit of a reputation for being an app that people regular swipe on but don’t necessarily talk on and even more rarely meet through. That’s the only explanation I have for the algorithm excluding location on episode nights. The next day the app is essentially back to normal and you can still see answers from people locally.

Overall, Swipe Night is unique and interesting. It’s useful in getting users on the app but probably doesn’t improve match ratings at all.

 

Whats changed on the dating apps in the past 2 years

Tinder 

Tinder used to make you have a facebook or Instagram in order to sign up, perhaps as a way to help verify real people. Now you can just do it by phone number if you want so if you wanted to make a fake profile, lie about age, or maybe promote your business instead then you’re basically free to do so. Tinder has also added in a limit on how many people you can like a day. 

 

Bumble  

Bumble donates to a cause when you send that first message so now if I match a guy I always follow through with that initial message. I used to really enjoy the fact that girls had to message first but now I find myself a bit annoyed that the choice is taken away. Any other app I have no problem messaging first, that’s not the issue that bothers me. It’s the pressure, responsibility, and lack of choice that seems to bug me a little. 

 

Okcupid

They’re really trying to have you pay for their platform now. You have to have a membership to see who likes you so you have message people in order for them to know you might be interested. This now requires a bit more effort than just clicking a button so people might take profiles a little more seriously than just a swiping game.

 

Hinge

Hinge uses your facebook friends’ networks to find you matches. It also limits the amount of likes you can do in a day, it reminds me a lot of Coffee Meets Bagel with how much effort they put in to try and make long lasting connections and not just be a hook up app. They have you like a particular photo or writing blurb and can add in a little comment or question to help promote conversation.

 

Initial 10 thoughts:

 

This gym rat fad has not died down because everyone has abs now and it is not good for the 3 bowls of ice cream I’ve been having every week.

 

The only time a guy will message you instantly after matching is if he’s only looking to hook up, otherwise you’re going to wait a few hours or days.

 

The layout of the apps are all similar but sometimes i mean to swipe for more pictures and i end up swiping left or super liking so that’s been super unfortunate. 

 

It used to be very common to have all the apps and see the same people on each of them but it’s seeming like people aren’t crossing over as much.

 

I don’t know why guys put up pictures with kids because they constantly have to explain how they’re related to the child in their bio.

 

The time limit on Bumble is more stressful than I remember. But I do like that the message gets cleared out if they don’t answer in those following 24 hours. It helps keep the clutter out.

 

There’s these new jokes, quotes, and memes that I’m not up to date with and actually googled some.

 

Guys are absurdly butt hurt about having to include their height in their bio

 

I’m also very annoyed by bio that say they hate this app or are just looking to waste their time. If you don’t want to play the game then get off the field

 

Honestly, Tinder is my favorite platform right now, which seems so tragic for the other companies since Tinder started off as the infamous hook up app.

 

Ghosting Made Easy

It’s October so obviously I have to talk about ghosting at some point this Halloween season!

In 2017 I wrote about instances where it actually might be better to ghost. Here we are two years later and I’m still thinking ghosting has its benefits. 

 

The thing is, we’re so used to ghosting now that we don’t even really know how to handle Not being ghosted by someone. Actually having direct communication with a date now seems confrontational. Ghosting is easy, it’s non confrontational, and it’s the cowards way. With this in mind, anything else is then seen as aggressive. 

 

In all honesty, many of us are too immature to handle an honest conversation in a reasonable manner. If you ghost someone you don’t have to hurt their feelings with rejection. When someone tells you they’re not interested in you, it’s hard to not take it personally. It’s easy to become defensive when you feel rejected or attacked. 

 

At least when you were ghosted, you could tell yourself whatever story you wanted to about that person and why they suddenly dropped off. Even when you’re not interested in someone, it’s annoying to hear that person say they’re not interested in you either.

 

When you tell someone directly that you’re not interested it usually ends up being some cliche of “Great meeting you but I don’t see us working out. Best of luck though”. Cliche break up lines tend to rub people the wrong way because they sound so well -rehearsed and fake. It’s stiff and distant, often making the receiving party feel uncomfortable.

 

If you’ve been in the dating game for a long time you’ve probably had loads of first dates. It can really become emotionally taxing to have this same conversation with every single suitor. You never really know how each individual will handle confrontation and rejection like that so it’s an emotion risk every time.

 

Maybe if we all ghosted less then having the ‘it just isn’t going to work’ conversation wouldn’t seem so aggressive and could be handled more amiably. But until then, being honest is an aggressive gamble.

 

Second Dates Are Harder Than First Dates

First dates are absolutely terrible. You spend days getting to know someone and planning a date and then hours getting ready for said date. Then you waste even more hours on the actual date with a person you’re not even really sure if you like.

A lesson I eventually learned was saying No to people I wasn’t 100% excited to go on a date with. Modern dating really drains you emotionally and mentally so don’t feel bad saving your energy.

Now that we’ve all agreed that first dates are hard, I’m here to tell you second dates are even tougher. First dates there aren’t really too many expectations, sure you worry that conversation will fall flat in person if texting has been flowing really well. Aside from that, there’s plenty of doubt that the first date won’t be amazing. The trouble comes when they do turn out to be amazing!

Sounds crazy, I know. But then there’s an enormous amount of pressure for the second date to be equally amazing. An hour or so into the second date with my now boyfriend, we both admitted that we were extremely worried that our second date would flop with flat conversation. That, in fact, has happened to me in the past so I was worried about history repeating itself (even more pressure and stress).

After the first date, you may start to picture a bit of a future and you’re looking for clues that your suitor’s future is going to align with yours. You listen to what they say with a fine tooth comb this time. The stakes are higher and so are the standards for grading this date. 

Second dates may also take you out of your comfort zone. If you’ve been on dating apps for a while you’ve probably had your fair share of first dates. You’re used to them, in fact you’re a pro. Second dates are new territory. You’ve never had to measure up to the first impression you left your date with.

There are still the jitters of getting to know a new person but after the second date you’re more comfortable knowing that your suitor is meeting your expectations and that the first date wasn’t just a fluke.

 

 

She doesn’t want to meet up November Advice Column

Dear DD,

I met this awesome girl on a dating app, we talk everyday nearly all day. Problem is, whenever I bring up meeting in person she always has something else going on. It’s been three weeks already and I’m afraid to ask her again if she’s willing to go on a date with me.

Sincerely,

Stuck online

 

Dear Stuck online,

I think 3 weeks is definitely on the stretch of waiting too long to meet up. The answer is Yes, move on. Sadly, this girl isn’t interested in you enough to meet up

 

Reasons she might not want to meet up:

She’s just not into you

She likes the attention and is stringing you along

She’s hung up on her ex / they’re back and forth on trying to work things out

She’s starting seeing someone else and is waiting to see if they’ll be exclusive soon

 

Whatever the reason, things aren’t going to work out and you might want some pointers on

How to Move on:

 

Get a Definite Answer

Unfortunately you have to suffer a little pain to get through it. You need a direct answer from her that she is not interested and you guys will not meet. If this doesn’t happen then you will always wonder if now is a better time for her. You need to be able to some fantasizing about a relationship you could have had. She needs to stop that in its tracks with a solid NO.

 

Make sure you’re not exclusively talking to her.

You need to take your mind off her and also unload all your eggs from her basket. Invest some effort into a few girls so you’re not so heartbroken when one doesn’t work out. One girl will make you realize how easy it is to start dating someone when they’re truly into you.

 

Refocus on work, a hobby, working out.

You need to untangle a bit from the online world and realize your value outside of relationships. Focus on you and bringing things back into your life that you enjoy. A happier you is a more attractive you! Your friends will be happy to see you off your phone and laughing with them.