first dates

Why I like being single for now

Relationships are great and I know in time I will look forward to being in one again. But right now, there is a lot of enjoyment of being single! It’s a lot less stress for me to be single and here’s all the ways that’s true.

 

I saved a ton of money on gifts this holiday season. Let’s be honest, relationships require financial effort for dinners, trips, gifts, and fun date activities. You can date on a budget but being single now, I’m back in saving mode. The holiday season can sometimes include your significant other’s family if you’ve formed that bond. I was very lucky and got along with my ex’s family very well but I can’t ignore the fact that I saved a ton of money not having to get gifts for my ex and his family this holiday. 

 

Less stress, I just go about my business in my lane. There’s a give and take with this one. Every relationship has its ups and downs. When you’re single, you no longer have to suffer through the downs! You’re mood is steady, content. This also means it doesn’t go gleefully high. No exciting butterflies in the stomach. No thrill when you see their name on your phone screen. But there’s less emotional labor when you’re just looking out for yourself. My heart is safe and resting, no pressure there.

 

I’m not stressed about getting someone to like me. Not stressed about dates. I’m single single. If a guy is talking to me now, I very freely tell him No when I disagree with plans or topics. I don’t need to impress him, I don’t need to compromise. If the connection dies because I say No, then I have no problem with that. 

 

I have no guilt; I can do what I want with my time and not feel bad about neglecting my significant other. I don’t have to divide up my time. I can focus on my projects. I can feel good about the time I put towards friends and family instead of feeling like I’m choosing them over or under my boyfriend. I can watch whatever TV I want, whenever I want, at any volume I want.

 

This is a nice change of pace and freedom after having been in a long term relationship. Like all of you, I make the best out of every situation I’m in. I’ll start stressing about finding a relationship when I’m ready for that.

 

Talking to Multiple Daters

Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching so I thought it would be a fun time to talk about why it’s okay and common to talk to multiple daters at the same time while using dating apps.

 

When on dating apps you tend to get a batch of matches at the same time. This increases your chances of starting multiple conversations at the same time. Based solely on numbers, it’s nearly impossible to only talk to one person at a time. You could miss out on making a great connection if you wait too long to talk to someone.

 

Since you’re getting batches of matches on different days, you’ll progress in conversations at different rates. You’ll be ready to meet one guy as you start out with hellos with someone else. When meeting someone for the first time, you still don’t know how much you like them and if there’s any in person chemistry. It’s perfectly normal to still keep up conversation with other people so that you’re not starting from complete scratch if the date doesn’t go well.

 

Having connections with more than one person, helps with the let down when a date doesn’t go well or if someone randomly ghosts you. You don’t have to keep all your eggs in one basket. You also don’t want to seem needy or lame, so talking to multiple people helps keep each conversation casual and replies at a normal speed.

 

Talking to multiple people is a completely normal practice in the modern online dating world and you can delete the apps or stop talking to daters at your own speed. Just be honest about what you’re looking for and what your expectations are.

 

I’m happy I don’t really care about dating apps right now

I knew when I downloaded the apps that I didn’t want to jump right into anything. I also knew it takes a long time to meet someone you actually want to go on more than one date with so I wasn’t too worried about it. The reason I downloaded the apps in the first place right after the break up was because I wasn’t sure I could handle all the sudden down time and lack of daily communication to someone. 

People would ask what I was looking for on the apps and I found it kind of difficult to answer because I really didn’t know. As some conversations progressed to the potential of meeting up I found out that I really wasn’t interested in that so soon after becoming single. I found myself falling into one of the distinct categories of app users; I was on the apps just to talk but never meet up and basically just waste my time so I would be less bored.

Swiping through users was just a game to pass time and I found bumble annoying because it forced me to start a conversation within 24 hours. I tried a few apps just to see what they were about but in the end found myself using tinder the most of it’s easy, basic use. After a few weeks, I let new matches sit for days before even thinking about reaching out and in general, just spending less time on the app at all.

I didn’t really care for the conversations, they were all the same and I didn’t want them leading anywhere. Since I wasn’t looking for any type of partner there wasn’t much reason or interest to swipe through the sea of potential daters either.

I’m content to just make plans with my sisters, work on my blog, watch new tv shows, and focus on my schoolwork. I’ve been debating with myself when I might be interested in dating again and the answer is definitely not anytime soon. It’s a very different attitude than I’ve had for the past 5 years but I’m really happy with it. 

 

20 Funny reasons you can swipe left

Being on dating apps can wear you down quick if you don’t learn to find ways to laugh through the rough swipes. So here’s 20 Funny reasons you can swipe left!

  1. You don’t like their name

  2. its taking more than 10 seconds to figure out which person you should actually be looking for in all those group shots

  3. they wear their baseball caps weirdly high on their head

    Screen Shot 2019-10-14 at 8.41.05 PM
    http://www.modernman.com
  4. If his friends are hotter

  5. They flaunt their car too much

  6. There’s only one picture and it’s not even of a person

  7. All that vape smoke they’re exhaling is not impressing anyone

  8. They think they’re cool (have some humble pie)

  9. They don’t include their face at all

  10. Their bio says something like “good vibes only” or nothing at all

  11. They have a soul patch (or any other terrible facial hair)

  12. Their first picture is not of themselves (this has been a pretty good rule of thumb because normally clicking for the second photo is never worth it)

  13. because you know your mom won’t like their tattoo sleeve Screen Shot 2019-10-14 at 8.44.08 PM

  14. They make fun of what a girl’s bio usually says

  15. They talk about how they hate this app and don’t even know why they’re on it

  16. They’re just visiting town for a week or so 

  17. He has any piercings 

  18. They’re still using high school pictures

  19. They make any sort of demand in their bio (ie. ‘make me laugh’, ‘must be a fellow gymrat’, or something disgustingly dominant)

  20. If they have too many hunting or fishing pictures 

Whats changed on the dating apps in the past 2 years

Tinder 

Tinder used to make you have a facebook or Instagram in order to sign up, perhaps as a way to help verify real people. Now you can just do it by phone number if you want so if you wanted to make a fake profile, lie about age, or maybe promote your business instead then you’re basically free to do so. Tinder has also added in a limit on how many people you can like a day. 

 

Bumble  

Bumble donates to a cause when you send that first message so now if I match a guy I always follow through with that initial message. I used to really enjoy the fact that girls had to message first but now I find myself a bit annoyed that the choice is taken away. Any other app I have no problem messaging first, that’s not the issue that bothers me. It’s the pressure, responsibility, and lack of choice that seems to bug me a little. 

 

Okcupid

They’re really trying to have you pay for their platform now. You have to have a membership to see who likes you so you have message people in order for them to know you might be interested. This now requires a bit more effort than just clicking a button so people might take profiles a little more seriously than just a swiping game.

 

Hinge

Hinge uses your facebook friends’ networks to find you matches. It also limits the amount of likes you can do in a day, it reminds me a lot of Coffee Meets Bagel with how much effort they put in to try and make long lasting connections and not just be a hook up app. They have you like a particular photo or writing blurb and can add in a little comment or question to help promote conversation.

 

Initial 10 thoughts:

 

This gym rat fad has not died down because everyone has abs now and it is not good for the 3 bowls of ice cream I’ve been having every week.

 

The only time a guy will message you instantly after matching is if he’s only looking to hook up, otherwise you’re going to wait a few hours or days.

 

The layout of the apps are all similar but sometimes i mean to swipe for more pictures and i end up swiping left or super liking so that’s been super unfortunate. 

 

It used to be very common to have all the apps and see the same people on each of them but it’s seeming like people aren’t crossing over as much.

 

I don’t know why guys put up pictures with kids because they constantly have to explain how they’re related to the child in their bio.

 

The time limit on Bumble is more stressful than I remember. But I do like that the message gets cleared out if they don’t answer in those following 24 hours. It helps keep the clutter out.

 

There’s these new jokes, quotes, and memes that I’m not up to date with and actually googled some.

 

Guys are absurdly butt hurt about having to include their height in their bio

 

I’m also very annoyed by bio that say they hate this app or are just looking to waste their time. If you don’t want to play the game then get off the field

 

Honestly, Tinder is my favorite platform right now, which seems so tragic for the other companies since Tinder started off as the infamous hook up app.

 

Ghosting Made Easy

It’s October so obviously I have to talk about ghosting at some point this Halloween season!

In 2017 I wrote about instances where it actually might be better to ghost. Here we are two years later and I’m still thinking ghosting has its benefits. 

 

The thing is, we’re so used to ghosting now that we don’t even really know how to handle Not being ghosted by someone. Actually having direct communication with a date now seems confrontational. Ghosting is easy, it’s non confrontational, and it’s the cowards way. With this in mind, anything else is then seen as aggressive. 

 

In all honesty, many of us are too immature to handle an honest conversation in a reasonable manner. If you ghost someone you don’t have to hurt their feelings with rejection. When someone tells you they’re not interested in you, it’s hard to not take it personally. It’s easy to become defensive when you feel rejected or attacked. 

 

At least when you were ghosted, you could tell yourself whatever story you wanted to about that person and why they suddenly dropped off. Even when you’re not interested in someone, it’s annoying to hear that person say they’re not interested in you either.

 

When you tell someone directly that you’re not interested it usually ends up being some cliche of “Great meeting you but I don’t see us working out. Best of luck though”. Cliche break up lines tend to rub people the wrong way because they sound so well -rehearsed and fake. It’s stiff and distant, often making the receiving party feel uncomfortable.

 

If you’ve been in the dating game for a long time you’ve probably had loads of first dates. It can really become emotionally taxing to have this same conversation with every single suitor. You never really know how each individual will handle confrontation and rejection like that so it’s an emotion risk every time.

 

Maybe if we all ghosted less then having the ‘it just isn’t going to work’ conversation wouldn’t seem so aggressive and could be handled more amiably. But until then, being honest is an aggressive gamble.

 

Second Dates Are Harder Than First Dates

First dates are absolutely terrible. You spend days getting to know someone and planning a date and then hours getting ready for said date. Then you waste even more hours on the actual date with a person you’re not even really sure if you like.

A lesson I eventually learned was saying No to people I wasn’t 100% excited to go on a date with. Modern dating really drains you emotionally and mentally so don’t feel bad saving your energy.

Now that we’ve all agreed that first dates are hard, I’m here to tell you second dates are even tougher. First dates there aren’t really too many expectations, sure you worry that conversation will fall flat in person if texting has been flowing really well. Aside from that, there’s plenty of doubt that the first date won’t be amazing. The trouble comes when they do turn out to be amazing!

Sounds crazy, I know. But then there’s an enormous amount of pressure for the second date to be equally amazing. An hour or so into the second date with my now boyfriend, we both admitted that we were extremely worried that our second date would flop with flat conversation. That, in fact, has happened to me in the past so I was worried about history repeating itself (even more pressure and stress).

After the first date, you may start to picture a bit of a future and you’re looking for clues that your suitor’s future is going to align with yours. You listen to what they say with a fine tooth comb this time. The stakes are higher and so are the standards for grading this date. 

Second dates may also take you out of your comfort zone. If you’ve been on dating apps for a while you’ve probably had your fair share of first dates. You’re used to them, in fact you’re a pro. Second dates are new territory. You’ve never had to measure up to the first impression you left your date with.

There are still the jitters of getting to know a new person but after the second date you’re more comfortable knowing that your suitor is meeting your expectations and that the first date wasn’t just a fluke.

 

 

Dating a Coworker – December Advice Column

Dear DD,

There’s this guy I realllllly like at work, we flirt hardcore so I really think he likes me too. We’ve hung out outside of work but only in group setting. I really want to pursue this further but I don’t know how to go about it or if I even should go for it.

Best,

Coworker Crush

 

Dear Coworker Crush,

Dating someone from work is…. Messy. To start off, if you happen to be reading the vibe wrong and pursue someone who isn’t interested then things at work will definitely get awkward with that rejection. The next obstacle is work’s policy about relationships. You may have to sign forms or it could be forbidden depending on the department or if one of you holds a superior position. Signing a document two weeks into a relationship would make just about anyone nervous. Or if work relationships are forbidden there’s added pressure on the relationship to know if it’s really worth losing your job over. Lastly, if your position titles are unbalanced any career achievements could be judged as ‘sleeping to the top’.

 

If I haven’t stressed you out enough yet then let’s skip right into the relationship. You’re starting a new relationship already spending the majority of the week with this person. So after spending the whole day together now you’re going to go have dinner or some other date plan. A relationship like this can definitely burn out quickly.

 

So say the relationship has burned out. Now you still see that person EVERYDAY at work. Maybe you’re both part of coworkers that all get lunch together every day, now what? Does the group split in half, are you left all by yourself, do you suffer through a group lunch with your ex every day? Dating a coworker is extremely complicated and there are a lot of obstacles to overcome. Of course, all relationships have their obstacles so a relationship with a coworker isn’t all that different.

 

So if you’re going to pursue this guy then the first thing I would work on is one on one time. Whether it be texting, lunch at work, or a light hearted hang out outside of work you want to build a special bond between the two of you. You can test the waters on how he may be feeling about you and express that you are interested in a relationship with him. Once you two have talked about those romantic feelings and are on the same page, you can progress in the dating stage.

 

She doesn’t want to meet up November Advice Column

Dear DD,

I met this awesome girl on a dating app, we talk everyday nearly all day. Problem is, whenever I bring up meeting in person she always has something else going on. It’s been three weeks already and I’m afraid to ask her again if she’s willing to go on a date with me.

Sincerely,

Stuck online

 

Dear Stuck online,

I think 3 weeks is definitely on the stretch of waiting too long to meet up. The answer is Yes, move on. Sadly, this girl isn’t interested in you enough to meet up

 

Reasons she might not want to meet up:

She’s just not into you

She likes the attention and is stringing you along

She’s hung up on her ex / they’re back and forth on trying to work things out

She’s starting seeing someone else and is waiting to see if they’ll be exclusive soon

 

Whatever the reason, things aren’t going to work out and you might want some pointers on

How to Move on:

 

Get a Definite Answer

Unfortunately you have to suffer a little pain to get through it. You need a direct answer from her that she is not interested and you guys will not meet. If this doesn’t happen then you will always wonder if now is a better time for her. You need to be able to some fantasizing about a relationship you could have had. She needs to stop that in its tracks with a solid NO.

 

Make sure you’re not exclusively talking to her.

You need to take your mind off her and also unload all your eggs from her basket. Invest some effort into a few girls so you’re not so heartbroken when one doesn’t work out. One girl will make you realize how easy it is to start dating someone when they’re truly into you.

 

Refocus on work, a hobby, working out.

You need to untangle a bit from the online world and realize your value outside of relationships. Focus on you and bringing things back into your life that you enjoy. A happier you is a more attractive you! Your friends will be happy to see you off your phone and laughing with them.

 

September Advice Column – Single Parent Dating! Part 1

I’ve been asking quite a few questions about dating as a single parent and I’d like to offer advice for readers in the same position. Unfortunately my lack of knowledge and personal experience made me feel that I wasn’t the right person for the job. So I’ve enlisted some blogger friends with first hand knowledge to answer your questions! Our male perspective is Dating Dad and Define Relationship is our woman’s perspective!

 

When do you introduce suitor to kids (before or after official ) (from Single Parent Network)

DD: It’s a tough one, as I’ve not actually done it yet! I’ve always told my kids that they are number one in my life, and that if there’s a serious problem between them and whomever I’m seeing that nothing will come between me and them. This puts tonnes of reassurance out there for my kids (which is useful as my ex is doing the opposite), but also puts a fair amount of pressure on those first few meetings!

I don’t plan on introducing anyone until I’m sure that the relationship has legs and I’m sure that who I’m seeing both understands the importance of meeting my kids as well as actually wants to meet them. I put less of a timeframe on it than others as there are so many variables, but we would have to be super solid first and ready to kick on to the next level. And I’m not talking about being willing to change our Facebook status to “in a relationship”.

I’ve got four kids, ranging in age from 5-13, and they all know I’m dating. We spoke about it early on – in fact, they actively encouraged it as they wanted me to find someone to help make me happy. My 13 year old has even bumped into me on the way to dates as she’s been on her way home from friend’s houses to her mothers.

That being said, I don’t really talk about it with them as I don’t want them to invest too much into anything. Until I’m in a relationship which I want to lead somewhere and think will lead somewhere I won’t even mention people’s names, simply that I went out somewhere nice or spoke to someone interesting.

 

DR: Depends on how comfortable I feel and if it’s going to last. I was with a guy for four months then introduced him to both my kids. We were official then but I would not if we were just dating. Although I was official with a guy for a year and never introduced him to them.

 

Should you tell your kids about every date – that you’re dating at all? (from Life in the USA)



DD: For this one I’d definitely spend some time building up to it. The kids need to know that this person is serious, and that they make you happy. If you’re happy then they are more likely to be too, so positive association is key.

I plan on doing this in a neutral place so there’s no sense of home or space invasion; it’s corny, but something like a funfair would be perfect. Lots to distract and occupy, and without any need to force conversation for very long.

Wherever it was done, it would need to be treated very carefully and with the kids at the heart of it all. Softly, softly would be the order of the day, with not too much overt smushy stuff between the two of you in order to reinforce that the new SO is never going to come between parents and kids.

 

DR: I don’t tell my children about every date I’m going on. I tell them where I am going and what time I will be back and I am out with a ‘friend.’

How to Say No to a Second Date (August Advice Column)

Dear DD,

you’ve taught us how to get a second date but you haven’t taught us how to say no to one

Anita

 

Going on a first date and realizing you’re not a good match is tough enough, having the suitor not feel the same way is even tougher. First you have to evaluate how terrible the first date was and why. Was he rude and immature or sweet but just no chemistry?

 

The Rude Ones

For the rude ones, I completely condone you being rude back. Be honest, leave no room for a misunderstanding, and if you could help him become self aware of some of his rude habits then lay it on him.

Example: “It was pretty awkward that you got so drunk at Applebee’s. I’m looking for someone more mature and don’t see us meeting up again. Good luck on these apps”

 

The Sweet Ones

For the sweet guy, I don’t think you should really tell him what you didn’t like about him. He’s just not your cup of tea but he will be someone else’s without having to change. You may even continue to talk to him for a bit even after turning him down since he’s polite and there wasn’t really anything wrong with him. The conversation will most likely fade in a day or two though.

Example: “You’re really great and I enjoyed getting to know you but I can’t really see this leading anywhere and don’t want to waste each other’s time.”  

 

Different pages

For the ones looking for a different type of relationship than you are, it’s completely okay to be honest about what you want. It’s probably not a good idea to keep chatting and become this type of textionship. About 90% of these casual guys will tell you that you got them all wrong and push for a second date – my advice: stick to your guns and move on to the next one.

Example: “I’m glad we got to meet but I’m looking for something more serious than you seem to be ready for. Hope you find what you’re looking for”

 

If you’ve told them you’re not interested in the second date and they extremely rude and offense then congrats sis because you just dodged a bullet.