heartache

Weak

I never saw you coming

But boy I sure did have fun loving you

Baby you were my best days

Then again you were also my worst

 

I’m thinking about you and how you

Probably aren’t thinking of me

Love why’d you have to turn your back on me

but if anyone asks I’m doing fine without you,

haven’t thought about you in weeks

Cause though I’ve fallen I’ll never look weak

 

-July 2013

It’s All Wrong

I have to figure out a way to turn things around

But I just can’t find my feet on solid ground

Can you look me in the eye and tell me something true?

Tell me anything to turn my grey skies blue

 

Turned left when I should have gone right

But I’m on my feet again; I’m still in this fight

I colored outside the lines, missed the warning signs

I said the wrong thing and now the heartache stings

I ran out of ways to make you stay

But tell me you love me anyway

 

-Nov 2011

PC

Summer’s Fool

I drove around town to try and clear my mind

but memories of you and me are the only things I find

now August ends and here comes school

Do you remember me now?

I guess I was just summer’s fool

seasons weren’t the only thing to change

cause you’ve got fans and you’ve got fame

I’m just another face in the crowd at friday night’s game

 

-March 2011

The Consequences

I’ve been walking around all day shaking my head. Dumbfounded. Confused. Different ended things last night and I was a bit blindsided. He ended things over something he learned two days ago when I last saw him. He joked about it and still held my hand. He even planted our first kiss on me.

That was a test I guess. Him trying to convince himself he liked me maybe. Seeing if he really could. I guess he couldn’t. Heck the other night he sent me a Led Zeppelin song to listen to, “Baby I’m Gonna Leave You”. Well yes, Sir I guess you did.

What he has learned, he didn’t like. I had done something to upset him. I broke his trust and that was it, done. I wanted to fight him, plead my case, and apologize. But he had already decided. Its hard to fight someone when they already have their mind made up. I felt like I didn’t get to hear the full story. That there was more to this.

If I had known it would upset him then I never would have done it. I feel like I deserve another chance. Like I already had someone else’s past mistakes on my record. Was I paying for someone who has hurt him in the past?

The other option is that he wanted to end things with me anyway and this was his first chance out. Maybe he knew I wasn’t the one for him. He had tried to give me a shot and I just didn’t make the cut. I’ve done this with other guys before. Tried to give it a chance knowing that I wasn’t really into it. Or maybe it was intimacy issues on his part since we knew such deep, personal things about each other so quickly. Maybe it was too much for him. He had to leave before he could get hurt. Of course, that doesn’t make him different, in fact it makes him a little too similar to my past guys.

Either way, it feels unresolved but I havent contacted him. Something I learned from Stubborn. And something I learned from life is that you don’t always get closure.

One last thing I did learn from my short time with Different though is just how much has to go right in order to make a relationship work. We had similar life goals, which was a first for my suitors. He also brought back to life my fragile, innocent childhood dreams. I felt connected to him in a way I hadn’t with anyone else and now I want to search for that connection in others. There’s plenty more I liked about him so why does love keep not working out for me? What has to be aligned? Values, personality, life goals, passions, chemistry?

He seemed so right and it feels so unfinished. I’m still half hoping that he’ll tell him friends about how things ended and they’ll lead him back to me. Tell him I deserve another chance. That my good outweighs the bad.

I’m hopeful for that because I feel so hopeless having to jump that in the dating pool again. I had found a fish that was very smart and a little weird and I wanted to keep him longer. I wanted to see where the current would take us.

I’m sad it’s over.

I’m angry at the injustice of not explaining myself more.

At the injustice of not getting the full story. Not understanding why it would make him so upset.

At myself for making him upset and causing this ending.

I’m defeated about love at the moment.

I’m tired of putting myself out there just to lose out again.

Live

You’ve only just gone

but I miss you already.

I told you to Take care and be good

I know I can’t hold you now, but just know I wish I could.

 

I know you’ll make it through

and it won’t always be this heavy.

You never deserved this pain

but it will make you the strongest man one day.

You have so much good to still give

so come on baby, just live.

 

-November 2016

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