insecure

10 Ticking Time Bombs in a Relationship

Keeping a relationship going is hard work and there are a number of traps you and your significant other can slip into. CEO from 1 Code Hub asked me what are some issues that could cause future break ups and I’m here with some answers!

Lack of communication  

I’ve answered before that communication is the most important part of a successful relationship. Even with how much you’re communicating now, you could probably always do some more. Communicating can be very tough; there are many different communication styles and it’s easy to read into words and become defensive. You may also be approaching a tough topic and that will make things tense and you’ll be nervous about how vulnerable you feel. Keeping your thoughts and feelings to yourself though will only allow them to fester and can make an issue bigger than it needs to be. This also doesn’t give your partner a chance to give their side and perhaps ease your worries.

Past Issues

There’s a good chance this isn’t your first relationship but even if it is, you’ve experienced hurt through non romantic relationships. You’ve been abandoned, lied to, betrayed, and criticized. In order to protect yourself from getting hurt again, you’ll assume your partner will do these things to you as well until you’ve built up enough trust to let your guard down. This isn’t really fair to your partner to be treated like a criminal from the start. And it doesn’t start your relationship on a good foot either.

Assumptions

A lack of communication and trust issues can lead to a lot of assumptions. Your thoughts and fears will get the best of you. You’ll imagine the worst and your fear will shut you down. This will feed into your self doubt and seeps into the relationship. You’re dooming your relationship before giving it a real chance.  

Social media

There have been a few studies on how Social media has affected the mental health of today’s society and that leaks into your relationships with others. Social media can be detrimental to a relationship due to the comparison it allows. You see other relationships on social media, in love and having fun just after another fight with your boo. You become insecure about your own relationship and wonder why you are both struggling so much right now.

What you don’t see in those smiling photos are all the fights and tears those couples have gone through. I’m always surprised when I learn about disagreements in relationships close to me. How did I not know about the issues they had been facing? They seem so happy and healthy together. Social media makes it difficult to remember that every couple, especially happy ones, still have their issues and face hard times.

Social media also allows you to keep track of your SO and learn a history of things about them early on. A lack of independence and privacy isn’t healthy for even the closest of couples. If you’re stalking your SO to see all the photos they like and become jealous when you find someone attractive. This is something you didn’t really need to learn about as long as there’s no direct contact. There’s a certain about of autopilot when on social media and I’m sure you still find strangers attractive as well. Doesn’t mean you want a relationship with them and the same should be said for your partner.

Involving too many people in your relationship

Every single relationship will have issues arise at some point. It’s at these times that you’ll want to turn to others for emotional support and guidance. Sometimes talking to someone can talk you down from an issue and help you be more understanding when going back to your significant other to talk things out.

The issue is that you’re looking for guidance to make a relationship work but you’re also giving reasons for your friends and family to dislike your significant other. This can make things difficult down the road so try to think of the future even when having current issues. You’re also letting other people’s opinions steer your relationship which doesn’t really involve them. In the end, it’s your relationship, treat it as such. Of course, there will be times when your family needs to step up when your emotions are clouding your judgment too much to take proper care of yourself.

Lack of Support

Ignoring the concerns and struggles of your partner is a recipe for ending up alone. By doing so you’re teaching them that they can’t rely on you for support and you invalidate their feelings. It’s very important to operate as a unit when out with others. You won’t agree with your partner on a number of topics and should voice that if it’s important but you also don’t want your partner to start feeling like it’s them against you and your friends/family. You’re the one who’s close to your family and it’s up to you to stand up to them and defend your partner. This show of support will carry you through some tough times in the relationship.  

What a Long Term Relationship has Taught Me

Prior to my current relationship I had only ever reached the early stages of dating. It was still a time to look and act your best as you still wanted to impress your date and win them over. As my relationship reaches its first year mark, I reflect back on the changes I’ve noticed when a relationship becomes long term.

People Stay

Since this is my first long term relationship, the biggest lesson has been that people do stay. I’ve never been in a relationship that stayed together after a fight. The first sign of trouble meant it was time to pack your bags. So i’ve wanted to avoid issues out of fear that it would make my boyfriend want to leave or that the fear of getting hurt would make me run away. Now even while in the mix of a disagreement, I’m thinking about the future past the current issue .

Comfort level

First is that you don’t always have to look your best. It’s the no makeup and freshly washed damp hair, it’s the double chin while laying in bed watching t.v., it’s the silent farts that don’t slip out so silent. You can relax and be yourself and also appreciate your partner feeling comfort enough to be vulnerable in the same way.   

Security

Having someone consistently in your life for a few months, you learn to count on them to be there for you. Knowing the fresh puppy love has worn off and that you will have bad days but you are still loved. Everyday won’t be great and you’ll probably ugly cry because you burnt the pancakes but now there’s someone there to help you make the next batch.

Trust

You trust them to show very vulnerable parts of yourself to them and know that they will hold you through the tears. I have also finally learned that issues and disagreements don’t have to be a threat to the relationship. That they are things to work on and grow from and not a reason for leaving.

Communication

You’re probably never communicating enough. So often i make assumptions because I’m afraid i won’t like the actual answer. But my own thoughts and worries hurt just the same and probably make it out to be worse than it is. It’s better to communicate how you’re feeling as soon as possible before your mind makes you crazy. There should even be conversations about how to best communicate. Defining the best time of day when you’re both open minded and phrases that aren’t in an attacking manner will be so helpful in future discussions.

Self Improvement

It’s made me come face to face with my own issues that I had been able to ignore when they weren’t really affecting anyone else. Since all of my dating history is short, failed relationships – I didn’t trust that this relationship would last past a couple of months. After the fourth guy leaves, your self esteem is bound to take a dip no matter who you are. So I had a lack of trust and self esteem and even added on jealousy for good measure. None of these are healthy for a relationship and my boyfriend hadn’t done anything to make me doubt him and that is also unfair. He shouldn’t have to pay for my ex’s mistakes. Over the months, I’ve made sure to communicate with my boyfriend when I’m struggling with one of these issues so he can help me help myself. I’ve also educated myself on ways to deal with these issues in a healthy manner and have enlisted help from others to better myself.

Late

Please don’t say I’m too late
Every poem i write now starts with
I’m sorry
I know it hurts to feel me pull away
I can’t decide if I’m meant to stay or go
I know i love you now but will that last forever
I’m sorry I’m the only one doubting our love
Will you forgive me when i finally find my way back to you?

Dead Branches

These thoughts rotting inside my head are not my own

I know that and yet I cannot stop thinking them.

I’m sorry it’s not just the two of us in this relationship.

Thank you for being patient and kind

the gentle hand to soothe my worries away.

Even as I sway, I always stay rooted in you.

And I will cut the dead branches that weigh us down.

Dating Expectations (The Learning Curve)

For those well versed in dating apps and the modern dating world, you probably are familiar with how much expectations can mess with a date. I went on many first dates but second dates were few and far in between. And when I did agree to a second date with a decent guy and good conversation, it usually tanked horribly! How was that even possible?!

Well when you go on so many terrible first dates, you start to think they’ll all suck (because they do). And then you finally have one kinda decent one and in comparison it seems amazing! Then you get your hopes up that you finally found a decent guy and your excitement for the second date and potential for more plays a huge factor in why they so often fail. At the end of our second date, the boyfriend and I both admitted to being extremely worried the date was going to go terribly because we’ve both experienced it so often in the current dating world.

Luckily that second date went well and our relationship blossomed, but this is still my first relationship. I was learning how often couples text and hang out. When the right time is to introduce your significant other to family and friends. I was experiencing the learning curve of being in a relationship!

But perhaps my lack of relationship experience is helpful when it comes to expectations. When you’ve been in relationships before you might think you know how it will all play out but certain behavior that your ex was okay with may make your current significant other uncomfortable. You need to learn your new SO’s communication style. Do they not like texting? Do they walk away during an argument? You’re also learning what makes her happy and what topics/situations stress him out. Everyone is different making every relationship different. And having expectations can sometimes make that hard.

 

Untrusting Monsters

Insecurity and doubt are monsters

that live in my head.

I introduced you to them last night in bed

but I’m sure I’m not the first girl of yours to do that.

Are there any alarms going off inside your head

that think I’m just a different brand of crazy?

An apology scraps the inside of my mouth

but the monsters push another imaginary issue forward.

My naive heart has been betrayed and lied to

and as a last line of defense, I will accuse you of doing the same.

It seems neither of us can escape our pasts

I must trust you to not slice open

this vulnerable heart if we’re going to last.

-Sept 2017

How I Nearly Sabotaged My Relationship

You might have thought that the fact that I now have a Boyfriend would solve the question of if I’m dateable or not. Well, I think the Jury might still be out on that one because Fun Fact – you can still try to ruin your love life whether you’re casually dating or married!

I’ve spoken about my intimacy issues a few times (comfortable, dating curse 2, ) and I know there is still a lot of work I have to do on myself with elevating my self-esteem to the healthiest point and not letting my insecurities consume my thoughts.

Like most girls, when I like a boy I will try to learn about his interests and hobbies to see if they’re something I might enjoy or to decide if maybe he’s not as perfect for me as I thought. Whether through unrequited love or boredom, my obsession to stalk social media has mastered some pretty impressive skills over the years (ladies, I think you understand lol).

So you scroll and stalk until suddenly its 2013 (okay fine, 2009) and you’ve found the ex girlfriend… and the friends with benefits and the almost relationship girl. You’ve dug deep enough to uncover every skeleton in his past. Unfortunately, the most likely scenario here is that you’ve dug too deep and you’ve made enough room to put yourself into an early grave as well.

played self

Photo Credit

I take full responsibility for knowing I have insecure tendencies and still stalking anyway. I’ve been lied to before so I tell myself that I want to see all the hits coming this time. Instead, I’m letting the past be the third person in our relationship. My insecurities and trust issues are the couple we most often go on double dates with.

I have to learn to stop digging into the past, it’s not the present for a reason. Leave it where it’s supposed to be. Take comfort in the present and treat each person as an individual instead of assigning him character traits of the boys who have let you down. He is not one of them, do not let your fears push him into being like them.

Stop stalking so much you fool!

History says I’ll end us

We’ve started something so pure and good here

I’m scared I’ll ruin it

The same way I usually do with all the others before you

I’m so scared of being vulnerable

Of getting hurt

Of opening up to you only to be disgarded

So I’ll push you away before Id let you in

Find some reason that this can’t work out

Because I’m so scared of what would happen if it is everything I’ve hoped for

If you’re right for me and I’m good to you

I’m scared to love you because I don’t know if I’d be strong enough to keep you.

And losing you would hurt far worse than never having the chance to love you.

-Aug 2017

 

Is it Okay that I Observe You so Carefully?

I’m memorizing every piece of you

I don’t mean to scare you or be rude

they just keep me company while you are gone.

I can play back a moment or conversation

and you go from my mind to right in front of my eyes.

You joke that in a few years I might forget you but

your scent will lingerie in every memory

from the watch you wear

to the way your hands feel in my hair,

you’ll haunt me long after you’ve truly gone.

 

-Aug 2017