just friends

Can Guys and Girls just be friends?

I absolutely think guys can be friends with girls without expecting the friendship to turn into something more. Bisexual people are attracted to both male and female genders but that doesn’t mean they want to date every single person they meet. Just because a straight guy is attracted to straight women doesn’t mean he’ll be attracted to his female friend. It’s a flawed logic to think guys and girls can’t be just friends.

I do think the more you get to know someone the more attached and attracted you become to them. You’ll relate to them and feel a connection, sometimes loneliness can muddle that up into romantic feelings. In fact other people in your lives will also start picturing the two of you as a couple. 

The influence of those around you will also muddle your thoughts. May you find yourself sometimes staring at your friend’s beauty? Yes. May you sometimes wonder if you guys would work out as a couple? Yes. These thoughts are probably inevitable. 

The catch is here that you don’t act on these thoughts. You know you two are good friends and you don’t really see yourself pursuing it. The thoughts pass and you continue on with your merry friendship. If this friendship was going to progress, it probably would have already by now.

When Your Friend has a Crush on You

Unfortunately, there’s not really a way to go back now that the cats out of the bag. The friendship conversation doesn’t just make emotional feelings disappear. You’ll probably always wonder if he’s reading more into a conversation or if doing certain activities together remind him of things a couple would do.

So as far as what to do, I do think a little bit of distance might help him get over you for the time being. You can see how things are going over the next few months but I wouldn’t be surprised if there are some outbursts of “i don’t even like you like that anymore” or “i’m so over you stop thinking that”. If that’s the case then he’s probably not over you. 

Overall, i think it was best that he told you how he truly felt. He no longer has to wonder what could be and will hopefully stop idealizing this imaginary relationship with you. Years ago, I had been on his side of things and getting that definite answer that it would never be nothing more than a friendship really snapped me out of it. I stopped putting effort into the friendship and that’s when I realized how little he had been giving me.  

No matter what you try to do or how you handle this friendship, he probably will not get over you until he sets his eyes on someone else. So if there’s any way for you to help out in that area, I say go for it.

Friends or More?

Should you date your friend? Or perhaps more accurately, is it worth the risk to date your friend and possibly lose the friendship if it does not work out?

Lots of solid relationships state that an important component is their friendship. Sometimes they start out as friends and some times they don’t, but always they insist that their significant other is their best friend who they tell all their embarrassing stories, hopes, and fears to. So one might think dating a friend would be a great idea because that aspect is already there and has built a strong foundation.

Of course once you cross that threshold from just friends to more than friends, its near impossible to go back. This has got to be the strongest reason people with crushes on their friends give for not pursing it. They don’t want to lose that friendship and closeness. They would rather have them in their life as a friend then risk becoming closer and then ending up with nothing. Sometimes friends don’t want to mess up the group dynamic by dating or sub consequently breaking up.

The thing is if you’ve naturally floated into the territory of daydreaming about one friend in particular then it may be worth digging into. He already knows your interests and dislikes pretty well. You already know about his bad habits and future plans. If you know all this and still can’t stop thinking about him then it may be time to start pushing the friendship boundary and see if he feels the same way about you.

If you don’t try, you’ll always wonder. You may become self conscious or doubt yourself more if you start thinking, well why hasn’t it crossed his mind yet to date me!? Maybe he didn’t think you’d like him back, maybe he has too much on his plate and wouldn’t be able to give you the effort you deserve. All I know is that it’s an unhealthy mental state to be wondering about all the possibilities and insecurities without any sold facts. It will give you a peace of mind to hear his sides of things no matter the outcome.

Darling Blues

Oh darling, won’t you swing those sweet blue eyes my way?

Oh darling, I see the way you’re smiling at him

and I wonder what I could do to have you look at me that way.

 

Oh darling, I promise you tears only from too much laughter

and when the pain comes I promise to hold you through it all.

 

Oh darling, I know he makes you happy

But you could still turn around and give us a chance.

 

-Oct 2019

Am I Bitter?

I read so many poems on almost relationships and half baked ones. Ones where there’s only one person fighting for this relationship. When looking at these ‘relationships’ from the outside it’s so easy to judge and wonder WHY IS SHE PUTTING UP WITH THIS?!

Unfortunately, things are never so easily black and white. We come up with all these reasons for why he can’t commit, and of course he has to love me otherwise he would be able to let me go, otherwise he wouldn’t keep taking me out on dates, otherwise we wouldn’t be intimate, the list goes on and on.

We really can’t make ourselves see the truth that he only likes the attention and we’re convient.

I had a friend in college and we bonded over the guys that were half in and half out in our lives. There were different ways in which they did this and for what ended up being different reasons. Eventually, her Stubborn became fully committed and they’re now in a long term, loving relationship.

Sometimes you break things off with your Stubborn and spend time apart. Months or years later you may reconnect and he realized who and what’s important in his life. And you two also end up in a long term, loving relationship.

Its stories like these that keep us running along to each precious breadcrumb they feel like dropping. I’ve been preaching that the answer is to always ditch the guy and find someone who knows how special you are from the start.

I preach that answer because the last option is that you got my Stubborn and you broke things off and finally found a partner who would do anything to show how much they love you and want you in their lives. A partner who is the complete opposite of what you’ve been putting up with in the past and one who makes you realize just how delusional you were for ever thinking that your Stubborn ever really liked/loved you.

But as I think about success stories, is it time I realize that maybe I’m just bitter? That my story didn’t work out the same way and I got burned in the end. Am I preventing others from their happy ends by telling them to call it quits? Or am I giving them a warning against an unhealthy relationship?

I always warned my friend against her Stubborn just like she did with me. And I think I would do it all over again even though it never stopped either of us.

You want the best for your friends and you know they’re so great so you automatically dislike anyone who doesn’t see exactly what you see. And that makes me bitter.

So yes I am bitter. Bitter against all Stubborns for not appreciating what they have when they have it. Bitter that there was ever someone in my friend’s life that had her doubting her self worth. 

 

Can Friends Stay Just Friends? October Advice Column

Dear DD,

What’s your opinion on guys being friends with females is it possible?

primadonnalove

 

I’ve answered before about what to do if your friend ends up developing feelings for you but I think this somewhat similar question has a completely different answer.

I absolutely think guys can be friends with girls without expecting the friendship to turn into something more. Bisexual people are attracted to both male and female genders but that doesn’t mean they want to date every single person they meet. Just because a straight guy is attracted to straight women doesn’t mean he’ll be attracted to his female friend. It’s a flawed logic to think guys and girls can’t be just friends.

I do think the more you get to know someone the more attached and attracted you become to them. You’ll relate to them and feel a connection, sometimes loneliness can muddle that up into romantic feelings. In fact other people in your lives will also start picturing the two of you as a couple.

The influence of those around you will also muddle your thoughts. May you find yourself sometimes staring at your friend’s beauty? Yes. May you sometimes wonder if you guys would work out as a couple? Yes. These thoughts are probably inevitable.

The catch is here that you don’t act on these thoughts. You know you two are good friends and you don’t really see yourself pursuing it. The thoughts pass and you continue on with your merry friendship. If this friendship was going to progress, it probably would have already by now.

 

 

July Advice Column

Dear DD,

I’ve been really close friends with this guy since high school, last month he told me he has feelings for me. I don’t feel the same way and don’t know how to handle our friendship now. It’s been soooo awkward! He’s one of my closest friends and I’d hate to lose that. What do I do?!

Sincerely,

We’re just friends

 

 

Dear We’re Just Friends,

First, defs send him Friends by Anne-Marie lol. Just kidding, that probably wouldn’t be very nice.

FRIENDS

Since it was last month, i’m sure you’ve already gone through that painfully awkward conversation of telling him you don’t feel the same way and want to go back to your close friendship.

Unfortunately, there’s not really a way to go back now that the cats out of the bag. The friendship conversation doesn’t just make emotional feelings disappear. You’ll probably always wonder if he’s reading more into a conversation or if doing certain activities together remind him of things a couple would do.

So as far as what to do, I do think a little bit of distance might help him get over you for the time being. You can see how things are going over the next few months but I wouldn’t be surprised if there are some outbursts of “i don’t even like you like that anymore” or “i’m so over you stop thinking that”. If that’s the case then he’s probably not over you.

Overall, i think it was best that he told you how he truly felt. He no longer has to wonder what could be and will hopefully stop idealizing this imaginary relationship with you. Years ago, I had been on his side of things and getting that definite answer that it would never be nothing more than a friendship really snapped me out of it. I stopped putting effort into the friendship and that’s when I realized how little he had been giving me.  

No matter what you try to do or how you handle this friendship, he probably will not get over you until he sets his eyes on someone else. So if there’s any way for you to help out in that area, I say go for it.

 

Head Vs. Heart

I went from nearly one extreme to the other. First, I talked to Mr. Can’t Get Ov3r You, who started out as fun and easy. It was all just texting and it didn’t cross my mind to even consider meeting up with him till 4 months later. We met in April, the non-date coffee date lasted twice as long as I thought it would last. Regardless, we didn’t meet up again till August. He was the one I wanted to date and yet he remained in exactly the same place he had been when we first talked 14 months ago. It’s really hard for him to open up, he tries to ignore feelings he’s uncomfortable with, and I think he’s been burned a few too many times by those close to him.

I was finally ready to accept the fact that he would never be what I wanted him to be and I began dating again (No, I did not remain completely single waiting for Mr. Can’t Get Ov3r You to finally change his mind- I went on many a first dates).

That’s when I met Mr. Romantic. He would send me Good Morning and Good Night texts, paragraphs of my great qualities and how appreciative he was of me. He was kind and respectful, buying me my favorite candy for my birthday even though we hadn’t known each other for long at all. He brought new button down shirts because he wanted to look sharp for me on date night. It would have been easy to love him.

Am I just supposed to date the guy because it would be easier on me? Despite Mr. Romantic being easy to love, he had 3 strike -outs on my deal breakers and our futures did not line up together. Do I date Mr. Romantic selfishly because he’s good for my self -esteem even though he’s not actually right for me? Sure, Mr. Can’t Get Ov3r You is seen as harder to love but does that mean he deserves it less? I don’t think I’ve always been easy to love, was there a point in time when I did not deserve love just like everyone else?

Maybe this is more about me than either of those boys. Because whether I’m talking about my heart or my head, I’m still talking about me. Maybe I have to wonder why my head doesn’t agree with my heart. And why my heart would even want something that doesn’t want it back. And what’s stopping my heart from following my head.

 

(If you read this article hoping for an answer of Head vs. Heart, it’s Heart that will always win.)

 

Photo Credit

Just Friends

In one of our many fights where I tried to get out of this half -in, half -out, half -ass relationship, I demoted (or properly label) our ‘relationship’ to texting buddies. Stubborn would (yes, you guessed it) stubbornly tell me that we are friends (as if that would make me feel better). That particular label really rubbed me the wrong way for a number of reasons:

Desire to Date: Mainly, the fact that I wanted to date Stubborn and he was reminding me that wouldn’t be happening because he only wants to be my friend. It’s a harsh blow to the ego when you realize some emotions are only one -sided.

Friends Don’t Kiss: Of course, if he did only view me as a friend then we would have never kissed. And from what he’s told me, he doesn’t just kiss anyone. So either kissing me was a mistake or he’s suppressing the feelings associated with those kisses. And I think we all know you can’t make the same mistake twice…

Hey There Jealousy: But if it was a just a mistake and not a choice then neither of us would get jealous when we talk about the opposite sex. I used to try to make Stubborn jealous to see if he cared by telling him about boys from class or bars or whatever. The problem was that Stubborn was better at the game than me (I like to think I’ve stopped playing this game as a sign of my own maturity, but it was probably because I was no good at it). A true Capricorn avoiding his feelings like they don’t exist, Stubborn could keep his cool long enough to then mention whichever girl was in his vicinity and I would be the green- eyed monster. If I was the only jealous one then why would Stubborn make the effort to bring up girls?

Friends Actually Hang Out: Funny enough, he could never really check to see if my stories were real or just a hoax to make him jealous because we didn’t really hang out. Obviously, we’ve kissed but neither event was a common occurrence. And he had time to see his actual friends weekly so I felt cheated being called his friend but never getting to see him like the rest of his friends could.

Worse than an Ex: Since I am only Stubborn’s friend, he is still single and could possibly find a girl worth dating. No girl (or guy if I was to find myself a respectable suitor) would be comfortable with our friendship and the amount of access we have to one another. In fact, I didn’t tell my past suitors about Stubborn, which probably says a lot in itself (for the two guys I considered getting serious with, I would tell Stubborn that I couldn’t talk to him anymore. And then a few weeks would go by and things wouldn’t work out and I would be back- don’t worry I’m judging me too). An ex has already been tried and burned and we know exactly why a second round would not work out. Stubborn’s new girl might view the friendship with me as a potential relationship that could be explored at any time and that’s why it’s even worse than a relationship with any ex.

And that is why I call B.S. on Stubborn’s ‘friends’ theory. Although, if I’m out calling B.S. I’ll have to admit defeat too. We’re probably not ‘texting buddies’ either (see reasons above). What we are, are two people denying their emotions because it’s safer that way. But if Stubborn and I thought a lack of commitment would keep us safe, well, we were seriously wrong.