lessons learned

The Dating Curse -Part Two

Months ago I wrote about my dating curse with having relationships end as soon as I deleted my dating apps. I combatted this curse while dating my boyfriend by just deleting the apps after our second date. This way, I couldn’t blame the apps if things didn’t work out.

The second curse I forgot to mention is my 7 week curse. I think all of my dating relationships have a 7 week lifespan. This curse was kind of broken by Mr Romantic but his work schedule would cause him to be away for several weeks at a time and that could have confused the curse, plus we never reached Boyfriend/Girlfriend label.

When I first started dating my current boyfriend and telling my friends about him, I also happened to tell a friend about this curse and how I worried things could be going too well. She laughed at how I was able to make up such a curse and it was finally at that moment I realized

OMG I’M LITERALLY CREATING A PROBLEM OUT OF THIN AIR!!

I didn’t have a dating curse, I have intimacy issues. And in a desperate attempt to save myself from not having to be vulnerable, I made up this curse.

(SPOILER ALERT: I made up the first dating ‘curse’ too)

In my current relationship, we very quickly graduated from casually dating to official Boyfriend/Girlfriend status. This would normally have my intimacy issues in full-blown panic mode, “it’s all moving too fast” “is he positive he actually likes me” “how embarrassing will it be if we ‘break up’ in a month”. I’m a bit of a runner when it comes to relationships so the fact that I wasn’t feeling any of those alarm bells had me thinking that I had beat my intimacy issues!

And then my thoughts started circling this 7 week curse and I realized, No I still have intimacy issues, they’re just wearing a different costume this time. They won’t win this time though because with knowledge comes power. Now that I’m aware of how my intimacy issues are acting this time, I can make a conscious effort to fight them and be the healthier version of me that gets to keep this great guy.

Of course, this is a war against my issues and insecurities, I won’t win every battle so make sure to read next week’s article on how I nearly sabotage my relationship.

 

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Do Genders Handle Break Ups Differently? (Part 2- Girl’s Perspective)

There are songs and comics about this theory of how men and women handle break ups so I decided to ask about WordPress to see how well it holds up, check out the Male Perspective from last week if you missed it!

First Tarnished Soul hits us with some hard truths:

“I have never broken-up with anyone, and I am in the process of making a first attempt at breaking up with my wife. I have always had other people break up with me, and I always handled it pathetically and sought validation for myself in truly self-destructive ways. As I face the reality that my current relationship is unhealthy and just wishing she would end it, I have come to accept that the only person that can create the change I want is me. With that being said, I am still not handling it very well, but I am not intentionally doing anything self-destructive. That’s not to say that I don’t feel bad and that I don’t want to do something rash and stupid and pathetic, because those feelings and thoughts are there. But I am trying to do something utterly different – forgive myself and accept myself as I am. Hopefully, I will come out the other side a better person.”

And Biryani offers us this to mull over:

“When it all came to an end, I only felt one thing. Relief. Pure relief! It had been a truly bittersweet moment and while I was upset, I felt more frustration at myself for not ending things earlier. This slight indifference towards my ex obviously helped in moving on. But the most important thing was deleting his number, blocking him on social media & deleting all his photos from my phone. This can seem like a huge step to take so quickly, but it is the only one that helps. You need to be FREE of your ex. All traces of them should be erased, think of it like a detox or rehab session! Go cold turkey and ditch that unhealthy part of your emotional diet.

The second thing is to realise that it is not the end of the world. I was optimistic about enjoying my new single life and so I did. I went on holidays, spent time with my family & did whatever made me happy. Still, it took me a year and a half to be ready and willing to date again. This millennial age is fantastic, there are so many ways to be introduced to someone. But before you get to that stage, remember to enjoy yourself and be happy. Because nobody has the ability to affect your life after they have left. You’re in charge!”

Interestingly enough it’s Soul’s response that most closely matches the man’s supposed coping mechanisms from Bentley’s song. She doesn’t give a specific example of ‘sleeping all day and leaving the house a wreck’ but she does talk about being rash, stupid, and self-destructive.

I also see some similarities in Tommy’s response from last week and Biryani’s response above. Tommy mentioned being at peace and I think that speaks to being free of your ex and taking time to yourself to be happy all on your own. Both talk about a clean break to detox from their exes, deleting all pictures and messages, and no messy in-between friends/ lovers business post break up. So maybe men and women don’t handle break ups as differently as we thought.

Overall, I think there are some amazing messages in here from our fellow bloggers about accepting yourself, believing that you have the power over your own happiness, and to take the time to feel confident enough to stand on your own before going into a relationship.

Deserving

I’ve been gone for a year now

Isn’t it time to finally let me go?

you’re so needy for attention

but I had nothing to do with who you decided to love

You know I deserve more than just sleepless conversation

Men gift me with their time and effort

You know I deserve more than you

She loves you like you loved me

And you know you deserve her

-June 2017

In the Eye of the Beholder

Life has a sense of humor and I couldn’t help but chuckle when both my exes texted me asking for relationship advice. I’m not exactly sure why they wanted my opinion and it was a bit of an awkward position to be in, but nevertheless I’m always rooting for love to win.

It was odd listening to Stubborn anxiously debating how soon he could text his girl and what she might be thinking when he wasn’t talking to her. The ironic way in which I related to him as he read deeply into her actions and phrases, trying to decipher if she likes him and if it was as much as he likes her. It was when he mentioned all the times he’s seen her lately, all he wanted to do for her and with her that I realized how delusional I was in thinking he ever liked me. I was quite embarrassed but that was quickly washed away by the shock of realizing my stubborn was someone else’s Mr Romantic.

For a girl he really cares for he will make time for her, try to dazzle her with his thoughtfulness, and make the effort to plan dates and trips with her. But as I said life has a sense of humor and unfortunately for my emotionally unavailable Stubborn, his girl is also a bit emotionally unavailable at the moment. For the other side of Stubborn being Mr. Right is Stubborn having his own Stubborn to plague his mind in the middle of the night picking apart sentence by sentence to see if she’ll love him or not. It’s a bit sweet to know the guy I pined for and was ignored by to be pining for a girl that is ignoring him.

Ironically, I’ve also met an amazing guy who was someone else’s Stubborn. She fell for him as he kept her as his friend and play thing for just about as long as Stubborn did with me. Everyone still single and on dating apps and the guys not seeing the girl who cared for them so deeply right in front of them. He might wander but he would always come back to her so he must secretly really care about her too right? She was crushing on him but he was only crushing her. The love we so desperately chased for two years, he freely and quickly gave to another who actually had his heart.

Our Stubborns did not love us and Thank God for that because they were not meant for us. We easily mistake our caring, gentle hearts for relationships and love. The men we grow to love and who truly love us back will eclipse every man before them into a faded memory just beyond reach. And we will laugh for ever thinking this resembled love.

My First Scar

Maybe I’m so angry at you

because you remind me of him.

And I’m mad at myself for being the fool yet again

for not valuing myself like I deserve.

But it’s easier to blame you than to face myself

I can just leave you instead of fixing me

I was so innocent and open

when his dismissal slashed through me.

Poke the scar just right with your condescending tone

and it still pulses like it’s alive.

-June 2017

Do You Even Know What You Want?

You’ve chosen her

and I can’t blame the heart for what it wants

But is it everything you thought it would be?

Or do you find you thoughts slipping to me?

First love is hard to beat

I don’t wish to be the girl fighting

a one sided battle that can’t be won.

Maybe loving me would have been too easy

What’s the allure in a love that’s given freely?

Is that why you chase after my attention now?

I know you hit me up every night she let’s you down.

-June 2017