lessons learned


When I was young I dreamed of reaching the moon

and I dreamed of saving the world.

I dreamed of becoming the best me I could be

but chasing dreams is harder than it seems

because disappointment and doubt appear to be the only things in route.

But I’m strong and I’ll survive

and only Love can keep the heart alive.

It’s Worse than Cheating!

You may be asking what could possibly be worse than cheating and believe me, I’m right along side you there. But some people believe that snooping around on your significant other because you think they might be cheating is actually worse than the act of cheating itself!

Snooping, just like cheating, is a breach of trust. You’ve built and placed this trust in each other to remain faithful and to not question that trust. When you question that trust you also question the love they have for you.

Your partner might not have given you a single reason to question their love; but perhaps you’ve been burned in the past and have built up some trust issues. It’s not fair to snoop on your current partner because of your past. Plus, there are other, healthier ways to help you overcome these trust issues.

For starters, open communication!

It may be tough in the beginning depending on your past but over time you should be able to build a pure trust with your current partner. You can start honest conversation in text if you have a hard time expressing your concerns and your ex always talked over your doubts to drown them in his accusations. This way, both sides get out their full thoughts and really think through their answers before responding. Work with your current partner and try to give them an honest chance to show you they’re not like your ex.

But perhaps you know your partner hasn’t been with a cheater in the past and yet they still snoop; what’s that about?

They might just be insecure with themselves, fearing you’ll get tired of them and go looking for ‘better’. You can be an incredibly supportive partner and still be with someone who lacks a healthy self-esteem. Your patience and support will go a long way but ultimately it is up to them to improve their self esteem independently from you and the relationship. Here it’s important to establish boundaries and define what each partner is comfortable with as far as cheating and snooping go.

In the meantime, do you love blindly or check up on their faithfulness?

Every relationship will be different but an option may be allowing your partner to go through your phone with your permission and presence. Your partner can feel secure by checking things out for themselves and you are aware of the things that might trigger them now. 

We’ve talked about trust issues with one’s self and with their past but we haven’t talked about trust issues with a current partner.

I think the most common reason for snooping is the fact that something has tipped them off that the shared trust has already been breached. More out of the ordinary ‘late nights’ at work, less willingness to share intimacy, or more secretive texting all stir the snooping desire in us.

Snooping is wrong, but if you find out that your partner is cheating then does that become the important focus and the snooping gets a justified pass? I think most people would agree Yes to that point and that both individuals in the relationship need to reflect on how they want to move on from there.

Some people will say that no matter the reason, snooping is wrong and should never be done. For their own mental sanity they may never want to become paranoid in a relationship. If they love you then they love you fully and without question and if you end up being unfaithful then at least they never have to question their loyalty.

Cold Weather

I know we fight

I know we don’t always get it right

I’m sorry I didn’t pick up your calls

It’s just that my mind was going crazy inside these walls

I’ve never had someone mean so much to me

Being this vulnerable can make me a little uneasy

Even if I cry, just know I always want to try

Even in cold weather, I’ll always want to stay together

-Jan 2018

Dear Dateable (Feb) Advice Column

Dear Dateable,

What if I can’t tell if he loves me or not?

DD:I went back and asked if this was a current relationship or a crush because I think the answers would vary a little and I’ve decided to answer it both ways. It may be worthwhile to check out my post on signs he’s into you.

For a crush: There’s a lot of uncertainty for the two of you, so not knowing if he loves you or not is very stressful. Since he is your crush I imagine you’ve been paying a lot of attention to him. Does he make an effort to talk to you, ask you about your days and hobbies? Does he ask if you’ll be at that party this weekend or try to find ways to be around you? If the answer so far has been mostly No then maybe he’s not good at expressing his thoughts verbally and you need to see his actions instead. Does he find ways to be near you? Does he do little things that make your life easier?

If the answer is still No then a lack of maturity could be the issue or sadly, he just might not be that into you (link older article). One last thing to keep in mind though is have you made it obvious to him that you like him? Could he read those questions and mostly answer Yes? Have you been honest and straightforward “I like you, I would like to date you, what do you think?”

I know it’s scary to put yourself out there like that but this not knowing will fill you with doubt and destroy your peace of mind from the inside out so even if it’s not the answer you’re hoping for, it’s better to know for sure than always wonder.

For a relationship: It’s very possible you might have a different love language than your significant other. That’s very common and nothing to fear. The way in which you show love and expect it to be shown back to you might be very different than the way your significant other naturally shows their love for you. For example, you might be vocal about your love, writing love letters, showering them with compliments, and always ending an exchange with ‘I love you’. Your significant other might be quiet or reserved and you may be hurt that they never compliment you or say I Love You first. This is where it’s important to 1. Figure out your love language and your SO’s love language and 2. Directly communicate to your SO that you need to be shown some love in your love language (to continue the example, you might ask them to write you a note of appreciate or love or to make the effort to compliment you more).

It’s important you find out the love language of your SO other because this can help you notice the ways in which they ARE showing their love. For example, they might show love by spending quality time together. No matter how busy their schedule is, they make sure that they are home to spend every dinner with you. And sure, you are capable of walking the dog by yourself, but they walk with you every time for that extra one on one time. This extra effort may have been going by unnoticed to you. You may have even gotten annoyed when they asked you to check your social media apps after dinner but now you’re realized how much they cherish that time of undivided attention and connection.

Aside from realizing all the ways you are being shown love, you can also make the effort to show them love in that same way as well. You’ll feel connected again when you start making this effort along with seeing them make the effort to speak your love language too.

Dead Branches

These thoughts rotting inside my head are not my own

I know that and yet I cannot stop thinking them.

I’m sorry it’s not just the two of us in this relationship.

Thank you for being patient and kind

the gentle hand to soothe my worries away.

Even as I sway, I always stay rooted in you.

And I will cut the dead branches that weigh us down.

Forest Fire

You talk about her and it lights a forest fire of destruction in my heart

my immediate reaction is to mention him so you might feel a lick of the pain I’m in.

It doesn’t make it any better when you speak ill of her

with so much emotion in your voice, i can still feel her claws deep in you

Am I that deep in you yet?

Will you ever be able to forget me?

Can I replace her in your heart?

I’m Selfish

I swear I am all you’ll ever need

You’ll never think of another woman again

Your thoughts will be consumed with your desire for me.

All day long you’ll be thinking of everything you want to tell me

And how it would be better if I was there with you.

There will never be another love like mine

Our lives were meant to align.

I’m selfish, I never want to share you with anyone else.

You’re all mine

That’s a tie you have to sever, I’m keeping you forever.

Give me all of you because you have all of me

Things I Wish I Didn’t Know

I know you love me

You love me more

than you’ve ever loved anyone else

But I know I’m not the first in your arms

And I can hear how she sweet talked you

How the heat of her body warmed your blood

How she sang into your ear like you two were the only ones in the crowd

The roads you took to spend another night beside her

The words you permanently printed into history about her

I know it all because you’ve shown me, told me, hurt me

You don’t even need to say her name anymore and I know


I know


But do you know how much it messes with me head?

How often moments with you are overridden

My mind replacing me with her

Flashbacks of memories I wasn’t even there for

Please make it stop.

Are Crazy Exes a Myth?

Now I’m not saying that crazy exes don’t exist, because they totally do. I’m just saying you need to acknowledge the role you play when it comes to stirring the crazy.

For example, Stubborn drove me crazy. Just like anyone would go crazy by being tempted by the thing you so desperately want just out of reach. Your thoughts can go crazy wondering what he’s doing and thinking, reading into all words and actions, and craving the attention that runs hot and cold. The uncertainty would put anyone on edge, you don’t feel safe when you’re surrounded by all this doubt.

Of course, maybe she’s just insecure and you haven’t done anything to make her question your trust. Yet she still acts ‘crazy’ and you wonder how you yet again have ended up with a crazy ex. I’m sure all your exes are bitchy and insecure, the question is why do you keep picking these girls? Do you want to fix these girls? Are you self sabotaging because you’re not ready for a relationship?

Lastly, love is crazy. The chemicals released in your brain for love are strikingly similar to some mental illnesses. So even a chemically well-balanced individual may experience some out-of-character thoughts and behaviors while in a relationship. You’re a strong independent woman who don’t need no man! And yet… just one day without your significant other makes you ache with need and you wonder how you let yourself lose this much control!

So I’m just saying, yes, your ex might be crazy but did you make her that way?