modern dating

Cold Weather

I know we fight

I know we don’t always get it right

I’m sorry I didn’t pick up your calls

It’s just that my mind was going crazy inside these walls

I’ve never had someone mean so much to me

Being this vulnerable can make me a little uneasy

Even if I cry, just know I always want to try

Even in cold weather, I’ll always want to stay together

-Jan 2018

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Dear Dateable (Feb) Advice Column

Dear Dateable,

What if I can’t tell if he loves me or not?

DD:I went back and asked if this was a current relationship or a crush because I think the answers would vary a little and I’ve decided to answer it both ways. It may be worthwhile to check out my post on signs he’s into you.

For a crush: There’s a lot of uncertainty for the two of you, so not knowing if he loves you or not is very stressful. Since he is your crush I imagine you’ve been paying a lot of attention to him. Does he make an effort to talk to you, ask you about your days and hobbies? Does he ask if you’ll be at that party this weekend or try to find ways to be around you? If the answer so far has been mostly No then maybe he’s not good at expressing his thoughts verbally and you need to see his actions instead. Does he find ways to be near you? Does he do little things that make your life easier?

If the answer is still No then a lack of maturity could be the issue or sadly, he just might not be that into you (link older article). One last thing to keep in mind though is have you made it obvious to him that you like him? Could he read those questions and mostly answer Yes? Have you been honest and straightforward “I like you, I would like to date you, what do you think?”

I know it’s scary to put yourself out there like that but this not knowing will fill you with doubt and destroy your peace of mind from the inside out so even if it’s not the answer you’re hoping for, it’s better to know for sure than always wonder.

For a relationship: It’s very possible you might have a different love language than your significant other. That’s very common and nothing to fear. The way in which you show love and expect it to be shown back to you might be very different than the way your significant other naturally shows their love for you. For example, you might be vocal about your love, writing love letters, showering them with compliments, and always ending an exchange with ‘I love you’. Your significant other might be quiet or reserved and you may be hurt that they never compliment you or say I Love You first. This is where it’s important to 1. Figure out your love language and your SO’s love language and 2. Directly communicate to your SO that you need to be shown some love in your love language (to continue the example, you might ask them to write you a note of appreciate or love or to make the effort to compliment you more).

It’s important you find out the love language of your SO other because this can help you notice the ways in which they ARE showing their love. For example, they might show love by spending quality time together. No matter how busy their schedule is, they make sure that they are home to spend every dinner with you. And sure, you are capable of walking the dog by yourself, but they walk with you every time for that extra one on one time. This extra effort may have been going by unnoticed to you. You may have even gotten annoyed when they asked you to check your social media apps after dinner but now you’re realized how much they cherish that time of undivided attention and connection.

Aside from realizing all the ways you are being shown love, you can also make the effort to show them love in that same way as well. You’ll feel connected again when you start making this effort along with seeing them make the effort to speak your love language too.

You’re the One

You’re the one I’m thinking of tonight

because I’m feeling good, like I finally got life right

like when the sun is shining and the wind is on your face

but maybe the only thing I got right is you

and that’s enough for me baby.

You’re the one I think of on a rough night

when my chest is heavy and my head don’t feel right

like when you’re lost and afraid in the dark

but the moonlight guides you to the morning horizon.

because I want you and I need you baby

You’re the one

-Nov 2017

What’s it like Blogging about a Current Relationship You’re in?

Some people might think it’s kinda weird to tell a bunch of strangers your inner thoughts on such an intimate relationship. Others might be more open minded. I think in a lot of ways blogging helps my relationship. I’m able to sort out feelings, become self aware as I continue to reflect, and I think it helps keep the relationship honest.

What I mean by keeping the relationship honest is that we can’t really sweep issues under the rug when I’m analyzing them, debating various outcomes, and asking for advice on here. Boyfriend then, of course, reads these articles and depending on the situation perhaps learns where I’m coming from and any hidden anxieties that are contributing to an issue.

I may also be able to work out some personal hang ups by writing them out and saving us from a future disagreement. It’s important to be self aware and know what topics you’re sensitive about. I might be able to discover the true reason why I’m upset about something whether it’s because I was hurt before in a similar way or I was just deflecting  because I didn’t want to face the true issue (i.e. being mad at your girlfriend for always being late but you’re actually upset that she doesn’t value your time/effort).

It allows him insights he might normally not find in positive situations as well. It allows me to express my appreciation for him since I usually have a hard time verbalizing my thoughts. (I think I get romantic brownie points but let’s be honest, after the 30th poem I think the shine wears off) He may also learn things that help to ease his worries as well, ones that he might have been too nervous to tell me about or just have yet come up in the relationship.

Blogging about my current relationship is kind of like having a free relationship counselor.

Are Crazy Exes a Myth?

Now I’m not saying that crazy exes don’t exist, because they totally do. I’m just saying you need to acknowledge the role you play when it comes to stirring the crazy.

For example, Stubborn drove me crazy. Just like anyone would go crazy by being tempted by the thing you so desperately want just out of reach. Your thoughts can go crazy wondering what he’s doing and thinking, reading into all words and actions, and craving the attention that runs hot and cold. The uncertainty would put anyone on edge, you don’t feel safe when you’re surrounded by all this doubt.

Of course, maybe she’s just insecure and you haven’t done anything to make her question your trust. Yet she still acts ‘crazy’ and you wonder how you yet again have ended up with a crazy ex. I’m sure all your exes are bitchy and insecure, the question is why do you keep picking these girls? Do you want to fix these girls? Are you self sabotaging because you’re not ready for a relationship?

Lastly, love is crazy. The chemicals released in your brain for love are strikingly similar to some mental illnesses. So even a chemically well-balanced individual may experience some out-of-character thoughts and behaviors while in a relationship. You’re a strong independent woman who don’t need no man! And yet… just one day without your significant other makes you ache with need and you wonder how you let yourself lose this much control!

So I’m just saying, yes, your ex might be crazy but did you make her that way?

Dating App Run Through

Tinder – probably got its fame by becoming notoriously known as the Hook Up App. No reason to spend time writing up a bio or putting up more than one picture, minimally effort required to Netflix and Chill. People also use Tinder as an ego boost, racking up as many matches as possible without ever messaging anyone. A game to pass the time, a swiping addiction that’s hard to stop even after you’ve found the one you want to exclusively date.

Bumble – Is like Tinder in the regard that there’s a short area for a bio and it’s the swiping game. The main different is that the girl has to be the one to make first contact. Some guys AND girls have issues with this because society says men should be making the first move and pursuing the woman. If your fragile ego is bothered by this then just stick to Tinder. The other difference from Tinder is the time limits. The girl has 24 hours to make initial contact and after that, the guy has an additional 24 hours to make that first response and establish a connection. I enjoy this because it forces acknowledgement. You don’t have to wonder if they’ll message you or if they even saw the message. The rule is simple, you snooze you lose. My one issue with Bumble is that I do wish it included ‘last active time’ because I know there are profiles that have not been touched in months and yet they still get in rotation. If you haven’t been on your active account in 2-3 months then it should be deactivated. Bumble also stands out because you can send picture messages which is not always the case with other dating apps.

OKCupid – I have given the nickname ‘Build-A-Boyfriend’ to OKC because it allows you to create criteria when searching for matches such as education level, body type, ethnicity, drinking/smoking preference, and ‘what you’re looking for’ (i.e. friends, long-term dating, casual). OKC is also very in-depth by asking prompt questions such as ‘self summary’, ‘what I’m doing with my life’, ‘favorite books, music, movies, food’ and survey type questions to help you match people with similar answers.. This allows you to really get to know a person and understand if you’re both looking for the same things. It also has a lot of added features that you can paid for with a monthly subscription. I also like that OKC has a website page as well as the app which both Tinder and Bumble do not.

Plenty Of Fish – has a lot of similarities to OKC like body type, ethnicity, and religion as well as creating a decent bio with an ‘about me’ and ‘activities’ section. POF also has a website but I strongly prefer OKC to POF and I believe it has to do with the landing page and the systems just seeming so out of date. I feel like my laptop should have a dial-up when I visit that site. I’ve heard plenty of relationship success stories through Tinder and OKC where as I’ve never even heard of anyone meeting up on POF but maybe it was more popular back when it started in 2003.

Match – is another old landing page. I know Match’s demographic leans older but the website could really use an update. The reasons I tried Match was in part because of those new commercials that seem to be targeting a younger demographic. I was curious to see if the marketing had worked and since you have to pay for Match I figured more people seriously looking for a relationship would gravitate there. The Marketing Campaign does not seem to be have much of an effect on the membership age so far since there is still a limited amount of 20 somethings aged profiles. Even if I was 20 years older, I would not be impressed by Match.

Coffee Meets Bagel- is unique because it severely limits the amount of profiles you can view in a day. They will either pick out a ‘bagel’ for you daily or allow you to browse 10 profiles and pick one for that day. This forces you to take each profile more seriously instead of mindlessly swiping for hours. Something CMB used to do but has since gotten rid of was getting feedback from you whenever you ‘passed’ on your potential match for that day. The other odd thing about CMB is that connections only stay open for a week and thereby the app forces you to forfeit the communication or move on to another messaging app. Although CMB is an app only dating space like Tinder and Bumble, it encourages more in-depth bios by including height, religion, self summary, likes and hobbies, and what you’re looking for in a date.

Hinge- is oddly exclusive as the app could only be downloaded if you have an iPhone until now with the launch of the app for Android users. Hinge has you log in via your Facebook so that they can access your friends network and start matching you with friends of friends. I think this paired with the fact that you’re only given 15 or so matches a day ups the chances of finding someone looking for an actual relationship. If you’re just looking for random hook ups you probably don’t want it to be someone you could run into later at a friend’s BBQ nor would you want to limit your ‘hey you up’ text to only 15 people. A downfall though has perhaps been the limit of users because with over 600 Facebook friends, I regularly pass the same profiles every week and began visiting the app less and less.

Ex-Mas

The holidays bring up all kinds of feelings like Joy, Love, Loneliness, and Nostalgia. One begins to think of what they accomplished (or failed to) over the past year and all the holiday parties have a way of pointing out how alone they feel. The Holidays have a way of making someone think back to times when they were wanted and comforted.

Suddenly you get text from your ex!

Why?!

First option is that they’re just bored and horny. These are the fuckboys that breadcrumb you, maybe it’s one from your local neighborhood and you’re both home for the holidays with not much to do. Or if they’ve been lonely for a while, the holiday season really puts them in ‘the mood’ wink wink*.

Second option is that your ex want to reconnect. It’s possible you’ve only been broken up for a short time. They still miss the connection and comfort of having someone there. They may still even have feelings for you and view the holidays as the perfect time to reestablish communication. They’re hopeful they can win you over again and maybe restart a once great relationship.

Lastly, is the ex who just likes to catch up, kinda like distant cousins or friends from high school. Like the relatives you only see during the holidays, this ex just wants to exchange polite hellos and how have you beens, but not much feeling flowing between the two of you. You appreciate a relationship that once was, but know it will stay in the past.

So do you respond to the text?

You have needs too, if you want an ex to scratch that itch then so be it. But remember ambers can start fires again, be careful you don’t get burned. Maybe you’re not the only ex nostalgic about an old relationship. Did it end poorly? For good reasons? Are you open to reconnecting too? If you’re in a new relationship then it’s important to talk to your partner about comfort level. Sure the third type of ex is respectful but if the first type hits you up with a late night booty call then your current partner will most likely not appreciate it. Make sure everyone gets on the same page of where you stand.

Enjoy your holiday everyone!!