modern dating

How are you still single?

When you’re out in the dating world, a time or two you’ll probably hear this:

How do you not have a boyfriend already?

(normally continued with ‘you’re so great’)

I’m not sure if it’s my history with self esteem or if everyone feels this way, but this question definitely gives me pause. I think this phrase could be termed as a backhanded compliment since it comes off as a compliment but it’s challenging you as well. 

 

It’s pretty confirmed that they think you’re great. They’re vibing with you and playing with the thought of you as a girlfriend. They’re thinking “I totally want to date this girl. Wait how is she not wifed up already? Is something wrong with her that everyone else sees but I don’t?”. Basically, they want to know if you’re single because all the guys you dated were crazy or because they all ran away from your crazy. They’re worried you might be too good to be true and they just haven’t found your glaring flaw yet.

 

Your answer could give them very important information:

You could say you recently became single and they may realize you’re not over your ex or just not ready to get back in the dating game yet. 

 

You could tell them that you just haven’t found the right one yet, which could mean you’re really picky and high maintenance. Or it could just mean that your small town doesn’t have a ton of options! Or you’re a girl with standards who isn’t going to settle!

 

You could tell them that you just haven’t had the time. Is it because you’re focused on your career, you’re very independent, or you’re actually too scared to put yourself out there and that’s your best excuse?

 

 

They’re also testing you, they’re putting you up against a wall a bit. You now have to prove yourself to them that there’s nothing wrong with you. They’re poking you to see if any flaws fall out. It’s a compliment that requires an explanation as a response. People want answers, they want to know they’re not being fooled. It’s not the innocent compliment it comes off as.

 

Should you give advice to failed daters?

I’ve been on LOTS of first dates over the years and after a while they can really start to just blur together. But a few stick out to me and one is this guy who I went out to dinner with. During dinner I realized he wouldn’t be a match for me but after dinner we ended up taking my dog for a walk.

 

At this point to Me, the date was over and I was interested in learning about his past to try and figure out his ‘issues’. We eventually got into exes and he explained he didn’t really want to dive into it with a new person he’s getting to know. I felt terrible, blindsiding him that the date was over and I was just looking to offer him advice for his next stack of daters.

 

As a side note, I want to mention that it is a great idea not to dive into past relationships with someone new! Personally, little facts about ex’s will stay in my head and stop me from enjoying the moment with a new boo. You also have to take what’s said about past relationships with a grain of salt. That relationship was two different personalities with two different backgrounds and that won’t reflect the new relationship you’re building.

 

This leads me to the main point – should you give advice to fellow daters? Years ago, I wanted to. I thought I could help some nice guys out, I thought it might help give them closure as they weren’t left wondering what’s wrong with them that they can’t find a good match, and I’m fascinated by the way life shapes us. But the truth is, everyone is different and wants different things. 

 

The reason that you don’t like someone will be the EXACT reason someone else falls in love with them. If you tell them to hide it or get rid of it, you could be stopping them from finding that perfect match! We’re all different people, we have different interests and different goals for our futures. The wrong puzzle piece for you will be the perfect fit for someone else. So you probably shouldn’t suggest that they saw down their edges.  

 

Why dinner and a movie is a terrible first date

Dinner and a movie has been the classic first date idea since the beginning of time. Honestly, I just don’t understand why.

 

For starters, dinner and a movie immediately forces you into at least a 4 hour date. There’s the pressure of keeping the date interesting and there’s the fear of having to be ‘on’ for such a long period of time. 

 

During dinner you can probably figure out if you like this guy enough to want to see him a second time or not. If you don’t like him then the last thing you want to do is be stuck closely next to him for the next 2.5 hours as he possibly tries to make moves on you. You might not want to spend the money on a movie or feel bad making him spend money on a somewhat pointless date together. 

 

If you do like him then you either want to continue on with this great conversation or you probably want to do more than just brush arms in a crowded, darkly lit room. I never understood the movie part of this classic first date. You’re not getting to know each other during a movie. The only thing you may learn is if they chew popcorn loudly and if they talk and ask questions during movies. These are pet peeves but highly unlikely that these could ever be deal breakers. 

 

There’s so much awkwardness and uncertainty with going to a movie on the first date. Who’s paying? Where should you guys sit? Should you talk during the previews? Where should you put your arm? Will she feel weird if I try to put my arm around her? Did he just brush his leg with my leg on purpose or on accident? I’m anxious just writing this now! 

 

Watching a movie is also a boring date in my opinion. I’d much rather go bowling or play mini golf. It keeps me stimulated, it helps provides material for conversation, and it also allows you to not have to talk the entire time like you do at a dinner. You’ve also disconnected from each other during the movie with the lack of conversation. The date is normally over after the movie and you leave just kind of shrugging your shoulders about the whole night since it ended so disconnected. 

 

Instead, when you do something fun, they’ll associate that feel -good feeling with you. They’ll think of the smiles and laughs they had while doing that activity, and guess what? You were there with them and they’ll smile and think of you too! That’s exactly what you want out of a first date.

 

I’m only giving the energy that I receive

Since I’m back in the dating game I’ve embraced a new philosophy of only giving out the same energy that I’m receiving. I’m tired of chasing after guys and tired of continuing to talk to guys who aren’t giving me the love and respect I deserve. So if you don’t answer my text for 4 days, guess when you’re getting a text back? In another 4 days. If you don’t like it then change your behavior and I’ll change mine.

 

On the other hand, if you text back promptly and we’re vibing then I’ll do the same. I’ll also give you the courteous of telling you if something comes up and I’ll be unavailable for the next few hours. If you want your time to be respected then you have to give me that same respect.

I’ve wondered if this philosophy is petty but I’ve decided to ignore that inkling. The first reason is, this is about maintaining a power balance, holding suitors responsible for their actions, and teaching them the respect you want and deserve.

I’m not double texting you and coming off as needy.

I’m not getting hung up on you, waiting to have your attention.

I’m not going to brush it off when you cancel on me last minute.

I’m not letting you get away with only texting me on the weekends at midnight.

 

If a guy is sweet and attentive, that’s the guy I want to attract and have him feel the same way he makes me feel. If a guy is emotionally unavailable and playing for my attention then you’ve guessed it, I’m unavailable. I’m unavailable for your games because I’m focusing on the guy who is focusing on me.

 

The second reasons is because I’ve recently heard the term Frustration Attraction. When someone doesn’t text you back, when someone doesn’t give you their time or attention, it gets very frustrating. You start to wonder why, if they’re just busy or if it has something to do with you? Are they not in to you, why not? Did you do something wrong? Now you’re obsessing over it, now you’re trying to prove yourself to him. Now the power balance is off.

 

This is why I suggest matching their energy right off the bat. Don’t let the power become unbalanced and don’t let yourself get obsessed and attached so easily. Don’t start putting your eggs in this guy’s basket when he’s barely even looking your way. I used to brush off and ignore this behavior in the beginning and then weeks later suddenly find myself obsessing over this trash character. We’re not standing for it anymore, ladies. We’re out here matching energies and focusing on our lives until there’s an energy out there that deserves us.

March Playlist – Newly Single

If you’re Newly Single, I’m here for you girl!! It’s time to hit the bar and break some hearts!! Let’s jam out!!! (click on the years to be taken to the music videos!)

 

1.Miss Me More (2017)

Kelsea Ballerini sings about the changes she made to make her boyfriend happy in their relationship. She’s facing the fears and worries she had about being single again. She’s remembering dreams and happy memories of the person she used to be. She realizes she’s happier on her own and the new freedom she has.

 

2.Buy my own Drinks (2019)  

Runaway June This songs starts out with Runaway June being recently single and going out to the bar by herself. Post break up, its good to stay busy and not hide yourself away in your room. This song is about finding your independence again and not needing a man for any of the things you might find them doing during a night out. In the end, she knows she doesn’t need anyone else, she can take care of herself. 

 

3.Do Better (2018)  

Lil Donald This song is all about finally not being sad anymore about a break up. You’re feeling better, you’re looking better and you’re remembering that you deserve better than your past relationship. You realize that he’s not treating you right and you deserve someone loyal and faithful. You deserve a real man who will show you how much he appreciates you.

 

4.Feeling Good as Hell (2016)  

Lizzo is here to pick you back up and dry your tears. She’s reminding you that you’re looking good and should be feeling even better. This relationship has been getting you down and it’s time to leave that behind so you can go back to being the Boss of your life. He’s no longer draining your energy, you can focus on yourself and achieve all your goals. 

 

5.Don’t start now (2019)  

Dua Lipa is letting us know how quickly she recovered from a break up. It seems like maybe he was the one to initiate the break up and thought she might be brokenhearted for longer. But she’s already putting herself out there and meeting new people and if he doesn’t want to see her out here living life then he should stay home. I really enjoy this little jab she gets in during the chorus ‘walk away, you know how’. She’s already moved on and he doesn’t need to concern himself with where she is now.

 

Why dependability is the most attractive quality in a man

Now I’m a Taurus girl so security and stability make me weak in the knees but hear me out because I think you’re all about to swoon a little too.

 

A dependable guy just gets better as a relationship progresses. When you first meet him, he responds to your text in a timely manner, shows up to a date at the time he said he would, and doesn’t leave you guessing about how the relationship may be going. 

 

A dependable guy isn’t playing nearly as many games as the average guy in this modern dating app culture. You’re not getting left on read and you don’t have to play the game of who texts who first. You’re already more secure in the connection. You know where you stand because he’s standing steady. 

 

In a relationship, you can depend on him to be there for you emotionally and for him to hold a steady belief in your relationship growing. In a marriage, you can depend on him to be a partner in taking care of the household and be a stand up father to your kids. 

 

A dependable guy will be there physically when he says he will and he’ll be there for you emotionally when you need him to be. That feeling of security in a relationship immediately releases a load of stress. Less stress in a relationship helps you stay in sync and strive together in harmony. 

 

Why I like being single for now

Relationships are great and I know in time I will look forward to being in one again. But right now, there is a lot of enjoyment of being single! It’s a lot less stress for me to be single and here’s all the ways that’s true.

 

I saved a ton of money on gifts this holiday season. Let’s be honest, relationships require financial effort for dinners, trips, gifts, and fun date activities. You can date on a budget but being single now, I’m back in saving mode. The holiday season can sometimes include your significant other’s family if you’ve formed that bond. I was very lucky and got along with my ex’s family very well but I can’t ignore the fact that I saved a ton of money not having to get gifts for my ex and his family this holiday. 

 

Less stress, I just go about my business in my lane. There’s a give and take with this one. Every relationship has its ups and downs. When you’re single, you no longer have to suffer through the downs! You’re mood is steady, content. This also means it doesn’t go gleefully high. No exciting butterflies in the stomach. No thrill when you see their name on your phone screen. But there’s less emotional labor when you’re just looking out for yourself. My heart is safe and resting, no pressure there.

 

I’m not stressed about getting someone to like me. Not stressed about dates. I’m single single. If a guy is talking to me now, I very freely tell him No when I disagree with plans or topics. I don’t need to impress him, I don’t need to compromise. If the connection dies because I say No, then I have no problem with that. 

 

I have no guilt; I can do what I want with my time and not feel bad about neglecting my significant other. I don’t have to divide up my time. I can focus on my projects. I can feel good about the time I put towards friends and family instead of feeling like I’m choosing them over or under my boyfriend. I can watch whatever TV I want, whenever I want, at any volume I want.

 

This is a nice change of pace and freedom after having been in a long term relationship. Like all of you, I make the best out of every situation I’m in. I’ll start stressing about finding a relationship when I’m ready for that.

 

February Playlist – Desire

Valentine’s Day was last week so hopefully these songs were played to set the mood!

 

1.Love Faces – Trey Songz

Released in 2010 in his Passion, Pain, & Pleasure album, Love Faces has passion covered 10 times over. The song sets the scene of a couple getting together that evening, kissing touching and as the title suggests, making love faces. From undressing to messing up the bed sheets, Trey sings about it all!

 

2. Slow Hands – Niall Horan

Niall released this lowkey, soothing jam in 2017. The song starts with a girl wanting to take Niall home and he’s not leaving without her! Her fingertips wander his body and they both want the same thing.

 

3. Must be Doing Something Right – Billy Currington

From Billy Currington’s Doin’ Somthin’ Right album released in 2005. Billy sings about how different nights bring on different moods and it won’t always be the same with your partner. By her smiles and sighs, Billy has gathered he’s on the right path to pleasing her. He’s focused on making his partner happy, who doesn’t want that?

 

4. Close the Door  – Teddy Pendergrass

I am bringing you all way back into classic soul with this 1978 hit! This song is by Teddy Pendergrass from his Life is a Song Worth Singing album. It’s the end of a long day when a couple is finally coming together. They want to cater to each other, show each other how much they love each other, and enjoy the night together. 

 

5. Like a Wrecking Ball – Eric Church

This song is from Eric Church’s The Outsiders album in 2014. Eric sings of finally getting home after being away for a while on tour. He wonders how well the house will hold up when they’re finally together again. There’s a hunger and an uncontrollable need displayed in this song; they’ll be in each other’s arms as soon as he’s through the front door. 

 

6. Want to Want Me – Jason Derulo

This song is titled after Jason Derulo’s 2015 album. The song starts with Jason excited and rushing to get to this girl. He’s willing to put in the work for this girl to want him like he wants her. If a girl is interested, she’ll definitely enjoy the effort and motivation a guy is willing to put in.

 

Talking to Multiple Daters

Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching so I thought it would be a fun time to talk about why it’s okay and common to talk to multiple daters at the same time while using dating apps.

 

When on dating apps you tend to get a batch of matches at the same time. This increases your chances of starting multiple conversations at the same time. Based solely on numbers, it’s nearly impossible to only talk to one person at a time. You could miss out on making a great connection if you wait too long to talk to someone.

 

Since you’re getting batches of matches on different days, you’ll progress in conversations at different rates. You’ll be ready to meet one guy as you start out with hellos with someone else. When meeting someone for the first time, you still don’t know how much you like them and if there’s any in person chemistry. It’s perfectly normal to still keep up conversation with other people so that you’re not starting from complete scratch if the date doesn’t go well.

 

Having connections with more than one person, helps with the let down when a date doesn’t go well or if someone randomly ghosts you. You don’t have to keep all your eggs in one basket. You also don’t want to seem needy or lame, so talking to multiple people helps keep each conversation casual and replies at a normal speed.

 

Talking to multiple people is a completely normal practice in the modern online dating world and you can delete the apps or stop talking to daters at your own speed. Just be honest about what you’re looking for and what your expectations are.