modern dating

January Playlist – Cheating

We have the first playlist of the 2020 series! I’m hitting the ground running here because January we’re talking about Cheating! (youtube links of the songs included!)

 

1.Thru your phone – Cardi b

Released in 2018 in Cardi B’s debut album Invasion to Privacy. This is a song for when you just found the proof of the lies and cheating you’d been suspicious of. The anger you feel for your partner taking you for granted and not appreciating the love and relationship you two have. The chorus then mixes in that soft pain of your heart breaking realizing your relationship is forever changed. This song takes place in the night when your partner is still asleep and you’re all alone in this heartache and betrayal.

 

2. Say My Name – Destiny’s Child

This song is featured on Destiny’s Child’s second album The Writings on the Wall released in 1999. This song was a total bop while I was growing up. It focuses on the first time you’re noticing your partner is acting different. They’re not being as open and affectionate as they normally are and you’re beginning to wonder if it’s because they’re with someone else. You don’t like this shady behavior and you want them to be honest.

 

3. The Thunder Rolls – Garth Brooks 

Released in 1991 on Garth’s No Fences album, this song parallels a storm in town with the storm brewing in the relationship. She hopes it’s the storm in town that is keeping him out so late but when he does return home, it’s the storm in her heart that tells her he was out with someone else.

 

4. I’m Not the Only One – Sam Smith

Released 2014, In the Lonely Hour album, Sam Smith really knows how to make your heart want to break down and cry. I’m glad these lyrics mention the crazy aspect. When you start to suspect betrayal, you analyze all the conversations and actions differently. In order to try to throw you off their trail, a cheating partner will call you crazy and make you feel guilty. 

 

5. Wasn’t Me – Shaggy

From the 2000 Hot Shot album, this song was a hit with it’s reggae flair. This is from the perspective of the cheater getting caught in the act. Shaggy includes many details of the character’s cheating and the song includes a friend’s advice to deny it all! In the end, he wants to apologize to his girl and thinks his friend is a player. But once a cheater always a cheater?

 

6. Irreplaceable- Beyonce

I know Beyonce was also in Destiny’s Child, already featured on this list, but this single remained at the top of the US Billboard’s Hot 100 chart for 10 weeks! The song starts as a guy is getting kicked out of the house and packing up all his things, which are to the left in the closet. Through the song we gather that a guy took his partner for granted, stepped out on her, and never thought she could find someone like him again. She’s savage though, as her next guy will be there in a minute.   

 

7. I Hope – Gabby Barrett

American Idol alumni, Gabby releases this hit in July 2019. The song starts with off wishing a couple well on finding true love. But this song finishes off our Cheating Playlist so we know that can’t be the end of the story! I love songs with a great twist and this one will have the happily married belting out these lyrics like they know this heartbreak first- hand. 

 

Digital Love Language

Some of us may be familiar with the 5 love languages but I thought with this modern dating era, there might be a second layer.

 

Constant Texting

Some people want that constant connection and interaction. They want to talk about their day, about events with friends, and random childhood memories. They want to learn everything about you, every detail and corner of your mind. These couples place high value on long notes detailing how much you love them and being the first thing you think of when you wake up. 

 

Facetime  

You don’t need the constant communication but when you do communicate you want it to have more quality. You want to vent and tell stories to each other with full animation and all the tea. Some couples just feel more connected by being in the same environment together and not necessarily talking. You want to see that smile, hear that laugh, and see their face light up when talking about their day

 

Sending Memes

These individuals may have a hard time expressing how they feel in their own words so they use art and published words to tell someone how they’re feeling. This is an easy, maybe passive way of keeping a connection which can be good for when you have a crush on someone. It also works well in long term relationship as a simple way to show that they’re thinking about you throughout the day. This is a way to make your partner laugh or communicate the type of mood you’re in.

 

Social Media  

They need everyone to know just how much they love you! They’re so proud of all your accomplishments, they’ll have a picture and paragraph for every one. Their social media followers will know of every good deed you’ve done from cooking dinner to trips to the beach. They may also know about every fight or embarrassing act you’ve done as well though. For better or worse, their followers have front row seats to your relationship.

 

Dating apps can make you healthier

Dating apps are about showing your best self, or at least what you think daters want to see. There are certain trends that go on in the dating world as far as hobbies and interests are concerned. In order to seem more appealing to potential suitors you could find yourself getting interested in these hobbies. I have to say, a lot of them will make you an all around healthier and happier being. 

 

GYM

The first one is the Gym. Majority of the profiles will mention going to the gym or some other physical activity that keeps them in shape. This could persuade you to also get a membership to keep your body healthy and peak interest from more suitors.

 

TRAVEL

Perhaps the second biggest bio is traveling. People love to talk about their exciting adventures and show off pictures. It’s something cool and fun to talk about. Traveling makes you more cultured and educated by learning different ethnic languages and backgrounds. 

 

FRIENDS

In a profile you definitely want to show off that other people like your company by having pictures of you and your friends at a bar or event. To attract suitors you’ll want to do this as well and hanging out with friends is a great way to relax and relieve stress. Keeping a social life is part of maintaining a healthy balance of your life between work or school. Friends can help you through difficult situations and help you feel less alone.

 

FOODIE

There are plenty of foodies on dating sites that can help you explore cuisine from all over the world. You can also discover healthier food options that you might not have heard about before. Some may even try out a vegan diet.

 

20 Funny reasons you can swipe left

Being on dating apps can wear you down quick if you don’t learn to find ways to laugh through the rough swipes. So here’s 20 Funny reasons you can swipe left!

  1. You don’t like their name

  2. its taking more than 10 seconds to figure out which person you should actually be looking for in all those group shots

  3. they wear their baseball caps weirdly high on their head

    Screen Shot 2019-10-14 at 8.41.05 PM
    http://www.modernman.com
  4. If his friends are hotter

  5. They flaunt their car too much

  6. There’s only one picture and it’s not even of a person

  7. All that vape smoke they’re exhaling is not impressing anyone

  8. They think they’re cool (have some humble pie)

  9. They don’t include their face at all

  10. Their bio says something like “good vibes only” or nothing at all

  11. They have a soul patch (or any other terrible facial hair)

  12. Their first picture is not of themselves (this has been a pretty good rule of thumb because normally clicking for the second photo is never worth it)

  13. because you know your mom won’t like their tattoo sleeve Screen Shot 2019-10-14 at 8.44.08 PM

  14. They make fun of what a girl’s bio usually says

  15. They talk about how they hate this app and don’t even know why they’re on it

  16. They’re just visiting town for a week or so 

  17. He has any piercings 

  18. They’re still using high school pictures

  19. They make any sort of demand in their bio (ie. ‘make me laugh’, ‘must be a fellow gymrat’, or something disgustingly dominant)

  20. If they have too many hunting or fishing pictures 

Tinder’s Swipe Night

Tinder seems to be out with a new marketing tool in order to get users on the app. It’s called Swipe Night!

Screen Shot 2019-10-21 at 1.33.33 PM

 

October 6th was the first I ever saw of this so I’m not sure how long it’s been going on for but I can tell you about this series. This series seems to be 4 episodes long which means it runs from October 6th to the 27th. It’s only on Sundays from 6PM -midnight, I’m assuming it knows everyone’s time zones so perhaps hours vary.

Screen Shot 2019-10-28 at 1.24.26 PM

So the deal is you watch a 5 minute video making 3 decisions along the way that shapes your adventure. You can later learn if other users make the same choices you did. This series follows a Comet Party that turns into an end of the world scenario. Chaos ensues and it’s up to you to decide where you want to go, if you want to help anyone, and some other minor decisions. It’s quick, easy to use, and fairly entertaining so I say it’s a good job done by the Tinder Marketing team.

The first episode was probably my favorite perhaps because it was knew but definitely because it asked a really good question. In this series you have 3 friends that talk to you. You quickly learn your male friend is cheating on his girlfriend and you have the option to Tell the Girlfriend or Keep the Secret. Then when you’re swiping you can see which answer your suitors picked and immediately know where their values lie.

Here’s how it looks when you’re on someone’s profile:

For anything you both have in common, it’s in Blue. On the left you can see I only had 1 choice in common and more importantly to me, they choose to cover for their friend and hide the cheating.

On the right, I ended the episode at the same spot and we had 2 other choices in common. From the 3 answers I could say we both value honest and like puppies. And he could say I’m more social media obsessed than he is. So you could learn some useful things without having to ask in conversation. Seeing the answers could also be a conversation starter.

In later episodes, I’ve noticed that I sometimes picked a choice that the game/ video didn’t agree with and ‘my friends’/the actors would say something that would redirect us to how the game wants the episode to play out. Noticing this, I then considered picking the more aggressive choice just to see how the virtual game would play out. If you continue on this trend then sharing common answers with other users becomes useless.

The biggest issue of all though, is that after you play the episode you can then go back to swiping but that Sunday night, the app does not seem to factor in location at all. I consider it a waste because that night I would mainly see profiles 40- 99 miles away from my location. No one I would ever realistically end up meeting in person and pointless to form any connection as it would never develop into anything else.

Now Tinder does have a bit of a reputation for being an app that people regular swipe on but don’t necessarily talk on and even more rarely meet through. That’s the only explanation I have for the algorithm excluding location on episode nights. The next day the app is essentially back to normal and you can still see answers from people locally.

Overall, Swipe Night is unique and interesting. It’s useful in getting users on the app but probably doesn’t improve match ratings at all.

 

Whats changed on the dating apps in the past 2 years

Tinder 

Tinder used to make you have a facebook or Instagram in order to sign up, perhaps as a way to help verify real people. Now you can just do it by phone number if you want so if you wanted to make a fake profile, lie about age, or maybe promote your business instead then you’re basically free to do so. Tinder has also added in a limit on how many people you can like a day. 

 

Bumble  

Bumble donates to a cause when you send that first message so now if I match a guy I always follow through with that initial message. I used to really enjoy the fact that girls had to message first but now I find myself a bit annoyed that the choice is taken away. Any other app I have no problem messaging first, that’s not the issue that bothers me. It’s the pressure, responsibility, and lack of choice that seems to bug me a little. 

 

Okcupid

They’re really trying to have you pay for their platform now. You have to have a membership to see who likes you so you have message people in order for them to know you might be interested. This now requires a bit more effort than just clicking a button so people might take profiles a little more seriously than just a swiping game.

 

Hinge

Hinge uses your facebook friends’ networks to find you matches. It also limits the amount of likes you can do in a day, it reminds me a lot of Coffee Meets Bagel with how much effort they put in to try and make long lasting connections and not just be a hook up app. They have you like a particular photo or writing blurb and can add in a little comment or question to help promote conversation.

 

Initial 10 thoughts:

 

This gym rat fad has not died down because everyone has abs now and it is not good for the 3 bowls of ice cream I’ve been having every week.

 

The only time a guy will message you instantly after matching is if he’s only looking to hook up, otherwise you’re going to wait a few hours or days.

 

The layout of the apps are all similar but sometimes i mean to swipe for more pictures and i end up swiping left or super liking so that’s been super unfortunate. 

 

It used to be very common to have all the apps and see the same people on each of them but it’s seeming like people aren’t crossing over as much.

 

I don’t know why guys put up pictures with kids because they constantly have to explain how they’re related to the child in their bio.

 

The time limit on Bumble is more stressful than I remember. But I do like that the message gets cleared out if they don’t answer in those following 24 hours. It helps keep the clutter out.

 

There’s these new jokes, quotes, and memes that I’m not up to date with and actually googled some.

 

Guys are absurdly butt hurt about having to include their height in their bio

 

I’m also very annoyed by bio that say they hate this app or are just looking to waste their time. If you don’t want to play the game then get off the field

 

Honestly, Tinder is my favorite platform right now, which seems so tragic for the other companies since Tinder started off as the infamous hook up app.

 

Ghosting Made Easy

It’s October so obviously I have to talk about ghosting at some point this Halloween season!

In 2017 I wrote about instances where it actually might be better to ghost. Here we are two years later and I’m still thinking ghosting has its benefits. 

 

The thing is, we’re so used to ghosting now that we don’t even really know how to handle Not being ghosted by someone. Actually having direct communication with a date now seems confrontational. Ghosting is easy, it’s non confrontational, and it’s the cowards way. With this in mind, anything else is then seen as aggressive. 

 

In all honesty, many of us are too immature to handle an honest conversation in a reasonable manner. If you ghost someone you don’t have to hurt their feelings with rejection. When someone tells you they’re not interested in you, it’s hard to not take it personally. It’s easy to become defensive when you feel rejected or attacked. 

 

At least when you were ghosted, you could tell yourself whatever story you wanted to about that person and why they suddenly dropped off. Even when you’re not interested in someone, it’s annoying to hear that person say they’re not interested in you either.

 

When you tell someone directly that you’re not interested it usually ends up being some cliche of “Great meeting you but I don’t see us working out. Best of luck though”. Cliche break up lines tend to rub people the wrong way because they sound so well -rehearsed and fake. It’s stiff and distant, often making the receiving party feel uncomfortable.

 

If you’ve been in the dating game for a long time you’ve probably had loads of first dates. It can really become emotionally taxing to have this same conversation with every single suitor. You never really know how each individual will handle confrontation and rejection like that so it’s an emotion risk every time.

 

Maybe if we all ghosted less then having the ‘it just isn’t going to work’ conversation wouldn’t seem so aggressive and could be handled more amiably. But until then, being honest is an aggressive gamble.

 

The satisfaction of finally understanding why it didn’t work out with the other guys

It’s usually called a childhood crush because it’s at some point during your childhood you have this crush but mine was my ENTIRE childhood. I became acquainted with unrequited love at a young age. I was smart, funny, and could play sports with the boys – what’s not to like about 10 year old me? I was a good friend, a great listener, and I really made an effort to spend time together but a good friend was all I got to be.

 

No matter what I did, he just wasn’t interested in more. It really stunts the growth of a developing self esteem. Like a rubik’s cube, I wanted to see what I could change until it finally clicked for him. The thing is, at that young age you have no idea who you are and who you want to be.

  

My high school crush was more of the same unrequited love. After Freshmen year we didn’t really have classes together and we weren’t in the same circle to begin with. Looking back on years of embarrassing attempts at gaining his attention, I can only hope he doesn’t actually remember me. Or at least the me I was back then because I’m not who I was back then and of course, neither is he. Seeing more of who he is now, I wonder just how much about him was all made up in my head back then.

 

Post college was Mr right. This time, someone who liked me back and wanted to get to know me. Unfortunately, as we got to know each other, we realized we weren’t on the same page about important topics. And that’s what it comes down to with all my other crushes as well. We want very different things out of life.  

 

The boys I knew have now been replaced as young adults I don’t really know. They’re different from who they were 10 years ago, as am I. Now I can clearly see just how different we are and the paths we are taking. It never would have worked out back then because the places we are now in our lives are so far apart from each other. Values, relationships, politics, future families, careers, and lifestyle choices just did not line up in enough boxes. You can fill in your own boxes with you and your ex’s choices and maybe you’ll also feel some relieving clarity of why some relationships just didn’t work out.

 

Am I Bitter?

I read so many poems on almost relationships and half baked ones. Ones where there’s only one person fighting for this relationship. When looking at these ‘relationships’ from the outside it’s so easy to judge and wonder WHY IS SHE PUTTING UP WITH THIS?!

Unfortunately, things are never so easily black and white. We come up with all these reasons for why he can’t commit, and of course he has to love me otherwise he would be able to let me go, otherwise he wouldn’t keep taking me out on dates, otherwise we wouldn’t be intimate, the list goes on and on.

We really can’t make ourselves see the truth that he only likes the attention and we’re convient.

I had a friend in college and we bonded over the guys that were half in and half out in our lives. There were different ways in which they did this and for what ended up being different reasons. Eventually, her Stubborn became fully committed and they’re now in a long term, loving relationship.

Sometimes you break things off with your Stubborn and spend time apart. Months or years later you may reconnect and he realized who and what’s important in his life. And you two also end up in a long term, loving relationship.

Its stories like these that keep us running along to each precious breadcrumb they feel like dropping. I’ve been preaching that the answer is to always ditch the guy and find someone who knows how special you are from the start.

I preach that answer because the last option is that you got my Stubborn and you broke things off and finally found a partner who would do anything to show how much they love you and want you in their lives. A partner who is the complete opposite of what you’ve been putting up with in the past and one who makes you realize just how delusional you were for ever thinking that your Stubborn ever really liked/loved you.

But as I think about success stories, is it time I realize that maybe I’m just bitter? That my story didn’t work out the same way and I got burned in the end. Am I preventing others from their happy ends by telling them to call it quits? Or am I giving them a warning against an unhealthy relationship?

I always warned my friend against her Stubborn just like she did with me. And I think I would do it all over again even though it never stopped either of us.

You want the best for your friends and you know they’re so great so you automatically dislike anyone who doesn’t see exactly what you see. And that makes me bitter.

So yes I am bitter. Bitter against all Stubborns for not appreciating what they have when they have it. Bitter that there was ever someone in my friend’s life that had her doubting her self worth. 

 

Dating a Coworker – December Advice Column

Dear DD,

There’s this guy I realllllly like at work, we flirt hardcore so I really think he likes me too. We’ve hung out outside of work but only in group setting. I really want to pursue this further but I don’t know how to go about it or if I even should go for it.

Best,

Coworker Crush

 

Dear Coworker Crush,

Dating someone from work is…. Messy. To start off, if you happen to be reading the vibe wrong and pursue someone who isn’t interested then things at work will definitely get awkward with that rejection. The next obstacle is work’s policy about relationships. You may have to sign forms or it could be forbidden depending on the department or if one of you holds a superior position. Signing a document two weeks into a relationship would make just about anyone nervous. Or if work relationships are forbidden there’s added pressure on the relationship to know if it’s really worth losing your job over. Lastly, if your position titles are unbalanced any career achievements could be judged as ‘sleeping to the top’.

 

If I haven’t stressed you out enough yet then let’s skip right into the relationship. You’re starting a new relationship already spending the majority of the week with this person. So after spending the whole day together now you’re going to go have dinner or some other date plan. A relationship like this can definitely burn out quickly.

 

So say the relationship has burned out. Now you still see that person EVERYDAY at work. Maybe you’re both part of coworkers that all get lunch together every day, now what? Does the group split in half, are you left all by yourself, do you suffer through a group lunch with your ex every day? Dating a coworker is extremely complicated and there are a lot of obstacles to overcome. Of course, all relationships have their obstacles so a relationship with a coworker isn’t all that different.

 

So if you’re going to pursue this guy then the first thing I would work on is one on one time. Whether it be texting, lunch at work, or a light hearted hang out outside of work you want to build a special bond between the two of you. You can test the waters on how he may be feeling about you and express that you are interested in a relationship with him. Once you two have talked about those romantic feelings and are on the same page, you can progress in the dating stage.

 

She doesn’t want to meet up November Advice Column

Dear DD,

I met this awesome girl on a dating app, we talk everyday nearly all day. Problem is, whenever I bring up meeting in person she always has something else going on. It’s been three weeks already and I’m afraid to ask her again if she’s willing to go on a date with me.

Sincerely,

Stuck online

 

Dear Stuck online,

I think 3 weeks is definitely on the stretch of waiting too long to meet up. The answer is Yes, move on. Sadly, this girl isn’t interested in you enough to meet up

 

Reasons she might not want to meet up:

She’s just not into you

She likes the attention and is stringing you along

She’s hung up on her ex / they’re back and forth on trying to work things out

She’s starting seeing someone else and is waiting to see if they’ll be exclusive soon

 

Whatever the reason, things aren’t going to work out and you might want some pointers on

How to Move on:

 

Get a Definite Answer

Unfortunately you have to suffer a little pain to get through it. You need a direct answer from her that she is not interested and you guys will not meet. If this doesn’t happen then you will always wonder if now is a better time for her. You need to be able to some fantasizing about a relationship you could have had. She needs to stop that in its tracks with a solid NO.

 

Make sure you’re not exclusively talking to her.

You need to take your mind off her and also unload all your eggs from her basket. Invest some effort into a few girls so you’re not so heartbroken when one doesn’t work out. One girl will make you realize how easy it is to start dating someone when they’re truly into you.

 

Refocus on work, a hobby, working out.

You need to untangle a bit from the online world and realize your value outside of relationships. Focus on you and bringing things back into your life that you enjoy. A happier you is a more attractive you! Your friends will be happy to see you off your phone and laughing with them.

 

Turning a Summer Fling into the Real Deal

The warm weather is starting to cool off but you want your summer fling to keep heating up, here’s how to stroke the flame.

 

Make plans for the fall

Act like the weather isn’t changing and keep making plans as you have been. Instead of heading to the beach or a hot summer night concert you can go apple picking, explore a corn maze, and carve some pumpkins. School might be starting up again and schedules will get busier so it’s important to continue to make time for each other and experience fun things together. Even if you’re going to schools in different states you can still plan dates in advance. Have him come up to visit in September and plan a date to see him in October.

 

Test out the waters

Try to learn what their thoughts are about a real relationship. Is it on their mind or are they anti-commitment? Approach the topic gently and in a non threatening way so they will open up and you can get an honest answer.

 

Start talking about the future together

Along with making fall date plans, you can talk about more serious things that would move the relationship forward. Has he met your friends and family? Have you talked about being exclusive? Talk about holiday plans to have them think into the future without putting on too much pressure.

 

Be Honest

After testing out the waters, you probably have a good idea of where their head is at. Now it’s time to be honest with how you’re feeling and where you’re hoping this relationship will head. You might both want the same thing but were worried about ruining the bond you have now. It’s important to be honest and direct so that there is no room left for miscommunication. This will help you know if it’s time to really end things or if the relationship can become official.