relationship labels

I Finally Got a Boyfriend!

So if you read my Liebster Award post back in August, I kind of let it slip that I recently got a new boyfriend!! (which by the way, is such a weird way to say that, it sounds like I just brought one from the store or something…) He’s also Dater #4 ( the good kisser lol) from Back in the Saddle if you read that post and were taking your guesses as to whom I was going to see again.

I’ve got some bad news and good news for all my fellow singletons out there, the good news is you don’t have to have the perfect dating profile, play hard to get, or follow any other dating rule out there because finding a significant other is basically all up to chance and fate. The bad news is all this effort you’ve been putting in to having the dating scene figured out and thinking you’re another step closer to finding your partner is pretty much bologna because finding a significant other is basically all up to chance and fate. I consider all those saying about finding love complete nonsense if I’m being honest.

You’ll find love once you stop looking for it: Lies. I went on 4 dates in the same week, I was 100% looking for love. I have been on the hunt for the past 2.5-3 years now. The only way in which this phrase kinda works in regards to my boyfriend was that I had no expectations for our first date, in fact each of us were considering cancelling on the other!

You won’t find love until you learn to love yourself: Another lie. This one has always bothered me a little bit since I do struggle with self-love and the fact that I wasn’t finding a good match was just cementing the idea that I was unloveable. You’re too close to yourself to see the big picture clearly of who you are as a whole. You nitpick at yourself rather than acknowledging the general idea that you’re a good person that just makes mistakes like every other human.

I do believe in self sabotage though, whether its subconscious or not, I used to pick emotionally unavailable men because I was afraid of showing the real me and getting hurt or abandoned. It also took meeting a good guy to realize how much I was settling because I didn’t realize how much more effort and consideration I deserved from a partner. My boyfriend compliments me all the time my intelligence, my creativity, my body, my nurturing skills, and every other part of me. I know it’s up to me to work on any issues of self-doubt but his support shines the light on parts of me I overlook and often expect more from. I can be a work in progress and be loveable at the same time. I can still love someone else while learning to fully love myself.

Of course, I’m sure there will be someone reading this who had one these clichés work for them or someone they know. The cliché for me and the boyfriend is “Timing is Everything” but I would never give someone the advice of waiting for a guy or periodically checking in on old flames to see if the timing is better now haha. We weren’t waiting around for each other which made the two of us very surprised with what we discovered that first date but that definitely will not be the case for everyone else (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE DON’T WAIT AROUND ON A GUY HOPING HE’LL GET HIS ACT TOGETHER OR SUDDENLY FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU) But I think everyone should take each cliché with a grain of salt. You don’t know which one will end up being yours, if any at all.

In the beginning of this article I said finding love is all up to chance… but staying in love is a choice you’ll make over and over again, don’t confuse the two.

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Do Genders Handle Break Ups Differently? (Part 1- Guys Perspective)

The idea for this article came to me after hearing the song “Different for Girls” -Dierks Bentley in which the lyrics talk about how only guys get drunk at a bar looking to take a new girl home or acting tough punching walls and turning into slobs. I wanted to know if the song was right and decided to reach out to two wonderful men in the blogger community for their input on breaks ups!

Tommy says:

“As Neil Sedaka famously sang, breaking up is hard to do. However, I’ve been luckier than most in that regard. For one, I’ve always been the initiator (although the last one was a tie). It’s definitely easier than being on the receiving end. It’s even easier if you’ve never been in love (which I wouldn’t mind finding someday). My relationships have trended on the shorter side; ending a longer one with more emotional investment would undoubtedly be more painful.

But so far I’ve been largely at peace with things after a breakup. After multitudes of rejections, it’s a nice feeling to know that someone was willing to go further and explore things with me – even if it didn’t work out in the end. The hardest part for me is trying to remain friends afterwards. I’ve tried it each time, but don’t think I will in the future. It’s a difficult area to navigate without things getting awkward and uncertain. For me, a clean break with no contact is the way to go, otherwise how can I completely move on?”

And Paul adds:

“Breakups. Well, bloody hell! There are things in my life that have been more difficult and much more important to deal with. This is a fact I’m consciously aware of—and yet, I have always managed to allow breakups to override absolutely everything when they happen.

I’m unfortunate enough to have experienced being broken up with on numerous occasions and, at the time, I thought nothing could possibly feel as bad. That was until I had to end a four-year relationship and I realized how much harder that is than being dumped. Hurting people hurts. Telling somebody they no longer fit your lifestyle… to me, I might as well be driving a knife through their heart and, subsequently, my own. It’s horrible.

Even if the breakup is for the best and you both know it, they’re extremely difficult and they’ll play on your conscience (provided if you’re blessed with a conscience). You’ll question everything. You’ll procrastinate wildly over what your life will lack without your partner in it. You’ll think of all the good things they do and the happy times you had with them. You’ll constantly weigh up the pros and cons; constantly try to talk yourself out of going through with it. It’ll play on your mind day and night.

In conclusion, breakups suck! Unfortunately, sometimes, they’re absolutely necessary…”

Both men seem to agree its easier to be broken up with than having to do the actual breaking up. Paul points out how difficult it is to know you’re hurting someone you spent so many years loving. Tommy agrees to this point, which contradicts the song’s idea that guys can just forget about an ex, just switching off their emotions and finding a new girl to distract them like a flimsy Band-Aid.

Of course, Tommy brings up being ‘at peace’ with most of his shorter relationships and perhaps he would go out on a boy’s night after such a break up. But he’s not drowning in alcohol or being swarmed by women in order to get over or forget these break ups. And Paul certainly not punching walls as the break up debate goes on in his head and things of all the good times with his ex.

Maybe the song got things mixed up and it’s the women who drink their exes away? Check in next week to hear from some WordPress ladies!

(Also the song might not have mentioned being friends with your ex but I did, check it out! )

Second Choice

I’ve talked before about ways to know if you’re wasting your time on a guy or not. These guys, for a variety of reasons, are emotionally unavailable. Of course, it’s never so black and white, instead he’s more open and available some weeks or some nights and you think you’ve finally gotten through to him. And then he’s back to his old ways, not making time for you, and you can’t figure out where he truly stands with you. Here are some reasons why a guy might not be making room in his life for you.

They’re focused on their career and don’t have the time to dedicate to a girlfriend right now. It makes complete sense and you can’t really get mad at them for being self aware about their priorities. And it might cause some internal and interpersonal issues when you’re always put second behind their job.

Other times you can feel like you’re being put second to their friends and hobbies. It’s perfectly healthy to split up time between going out with your girlfriend and going out with your friends. It becomes a problem when you tell her you’re too busy to meet up this week and then you complain about how you’re getting dragged out to the bar by your friends. Just because she is understanding and doesn’t pick on you for decompressing at home does not mean she deserves the short end of the stick while your friends get their way. Either make time for her and be fair or stand up to your friends. Or don’t blame your friends when you know you’re always going to want to pick them over your girlfriend.

You ever have a significant other get back with their ex right after you guys break up and then you’re like “oh, now I get it.” Maybe you were just the rebound girl who lasted too long or he was lying to himself when he said he was really over her. You realize once he had the choice to choose between you or her, he chose her. And that breaks your heart, which I completely understand BUT it totally shouldn’t because the guy who doesn’t choose you doesn’t deserve you!

Lastly, it’s a combination of these things but most importantly, he just doesn’t care enough about you to put you first. It doesn’t really matter the reason, just his actions showing you how far down you are on his priority list. Remember how that makes you feel and don’t wait around for a love that will probably never come.

You should be with the guy who doesn’t put you second. You should be with the guy who puts in the effort to see you, the one who smiles when reading your text, and the one who is factoring you into his future because he can’t imagine it without you. That’s the guy you deserve.

You’re worth being put first.

What Male Dating Profiles are Doing Wrong

Some guys might be wondering if there’s anything wrong with their profiles that are causing the lack in lady traffic or responses. Since I’ve been browsing profiles for a few years now I believe I have seen just about everything and might be able to point out some improvements.

Don’t: The profile that only has group pictures. I understand if you’re a guy who doesn’t like taking selfies or perhaps you’re trying to show how social you are. But if your profile only consists or 2 or 3 group pictures, chances are I’m not going to know which one is you. Due to the uncertainty or the effort required on my part to now do some investigative work and figure out if you’re the cute one or no, I’ll probably just swipe left. (Chances are you weren’t the cute one anyway).

Instead: Do a mix of group and solo shots. This way we know exactly who to be looking for and we also know other people like hanging out with you.

Don’t: The shirtless pictures. I mean I understand that gym/ cross fit fad going on and you’re showing off your results and how hip you are but come on man. I’ll either think you’re shallow or you hook up with someone who is shallow. Why don’t we let your muscles be an added bonus once we met?

Instead: Of course, if you’re just here to hook up then keep the picture, a girl will want to know what she’s working with. The only acceptable shirtless picture is one from the beach because it’s more nature and less staged to show off.

Don’t: Posing with Cars/Car pictures. If the picture is just of the car then you’re just flashing your money and you’re going to attract girls who only want your money. Or this is your project car and you’re a hobby mechanic in which these girls will have to know that car is your mistress. I’m not entirely sure that posing with the car is any better. Sure at least you’re in the picture and you could maybe make the argument that you’ve not showing off your muscle car but trust me, you don’t look cool leaning against the hood with your arms folded nor stretched out..

Instead: Maybe just include a line in your bio how you would love to take your date on a drive or how working on cars is one of your hobbies.

Don’t: The next issue could be from your bio. The two biggest issues are when a guy makes demands and when he’s very negative. Requirements like ‘short girls only’ or ‘no drama queens’ will most likely not give you the results you hope for. For starters, you limit your pool and seem shallow. Secondly, you seem like you don’t respect girls or can’t take responsibility for your own actions. There’s either a reason you have a crazy ex or you’re just making up the fact that she’s crazy.

Instead: You can get away with comments like “redheads are my weakness” and the like but stay away from close minded demands and requirements. Also don’t trash talk girls while trying to talk to a girl.. Just say positive things you are looking for in a girl like down to earth, fun, or loves to just chill on the couch.

Picky Daters

For me, first dates take a lot of mental effort. It requires you to carve out new time in your routine, the nervousness of meeting someone new, and as a reserved and introverted being, the social draining from constant conversation for multiple hours.

For these reasons, I don’t jump at every date. If I’ve only been talking to a guy about really trivial things for the past three days then I may want more time getting to know him before agreeing to give him my free afternoon. I’ve been coerced into first dates before and have learned to stick with my gut now. There’s always going to be a few things you have in common with a stranger, that doesn’t mean you’re meant to be.

It’s also important I ask what their intentions are before agreeing to meet up as well. I want to go on an actual date, not just chill at your house or in your car. Those can be part of the date but not the main event. I want to know that you’re making an effort to get to know me not just buying your time before you try to shove your tongue down my throat.

So I’m picky about who I agree to go on dates with. I’m not looking to waste anyone’s time, money, or gas. If I agree to go on a date with you then it’s because I think there will end up being more than one date. I don’t want to go on 50 first dates, I want to develop something deeper than that. I’m worth getting to know and I’m worth the effort of planning a date.

 

To Ghost or Not to Ghost (Dating Honesty)

You could be getting to know a guy, only talking to him for a couple of days but it’s the weekend so he’s rushing a date you’re not really sure you want to go on yet. Or after talking for a bit you realize you’re not really interested in him, but you both already talked about your mutual love of tacos and a date was hatched days ago when you were more open to the idea (and you just can’t resist tacos).

There are two ways to get out of a date you don’t really want to go on. You either make up an excuse or be completely straight forward. Although I think it’s good to be honest and not lead someone on, some people do not accept no as an answer. Then there’s confrontation that could lead to you being guilted to go on the date anyway!

I’ve been on both sides of ghosting. Sometimes you’re both on the same page, the messages back and forth have become sporadic and you’ve both lost interest but you’re being polite in conversation. Some times I ghost you because I don’t want to hurt your feelings, you’re a nice guy with a solid job but our conversations have been bland and we just don’t have the chemistry. There’s nothing wrong with you so I don’t want you to start thinking that there is or resenting being told that you’re a ‘nice guy’. Other times I ghost you because I don’t want to deal with the backlash of your butt hurt feelings. You telling me how high you are at work everyday. We have different ideas of what fun is and I’m beginning to question how you’d handle life and stress in the future. I ghost you because I don’t want confrontation or to be bullied just because we’re not really a great match.

I get why people hate being ghosted though. You thought everything was going well and suddenly nothing. You wonder where it went wrong, if there was just a misunderstanding that could be worked out, what’s wrong with you that he left, or was it just that he found someone better? It’s arguably one of the worst dating etiquettes to break because it can really tear down someone’s self worth. It could be the reason someone gives up on love and the reason they stop loving themselves.

The thing is though, maybe the reason he leaves is the reason another man stays. Should you be constantly molding yourself, cutting off limbs so that you will be to his liking? You’re not meant to fit into everyone’s perfect match checklist box. And it’s a heavy burden to take responsibility of everyone’s self esteem. Just because someone leaves doesn’t mean you have to devalue yourself.

So ghost or not ghost, you’re still a person of worth.

 

Just Friends

In one of our many fights where I tried to get out of this half -in, half -out, half -ass relationship, I demoted (or properly label) our ‘relationship’ to texting buddies. Stubborn would (yes, you guessed it) stubbornly tell me that we are friends (as if that would make me feel better). That particular label really rubbed me the wrong way for a number of reasons:

Desire to Date: Mainly, the fact that I wanted to date Stubborn and he was reminding me that wouldn’t be happening because he only wants to be my friend. It’s a harsh blow to the ego when you realize some emotions are only one -sided.

Friends Don’t Kiss: Of course, if he did only view me as a friend then we would have never kissed. And from what he’s told me, he doesn’t just kiss anyone. So either kissing me was a mistake or he’s suppressing the feelings associated with those kisses. And I think we all know you can’t make the same mistake twice…

Hey There Jealousy: But if it was a just a mistake and not a choice then neither of us would get jealous when we talk about the opposite sex. I used to try to make Stubborn jealous to see if he cared by telling him about boys from class or bars or whatever. The problem was that Stubborn was better at the game than me (I like to think I’ve stopped playing this game as a sign of my own maturity, but it was probably because I was no good at it). A true Capricorn avoiding his feelings like they don’t exist, Stubborn could keep his cool long enough to then mention whichever girl was in his vicinity and I would be the green- eyed monster. If I was the only jealous one then why would Stubborn make the effort to bring up girls?

Friends Actually Hang Out: Funny enough, he could never really check to see if my stories were real or just a hoax to make him jealous because we didn’t really hang out. Obviously, we’ve kissed but neither event was a common occurrence. And he had time to see his actual friends weekly so I felt cheated being called his friend but never getting to see him like the rest of his friends could.

Worse than an Ex: Since I am only Stubborn’s friend, he is still single and could possibly find a girl worth dating. No girl (or guy if I was to find myself a respectable suitor) would be comfortable with our friendship and the amount of access we have to one another. In fact, I didn’t tell my past suitors about Stubborn, which probably says a lot in itself (for the two guys I considered getting serious with, I would tell Stubborn that I couldn’t talk to him anymore. And then a few weeks would go by and things wouldn’t work out and I would be back- don’t worry I’m judging me too). An ex has already been tried and burned and we know exactly why a second round would not work out. Stubborn’s new girl might view the friendship with me as a potential relationship that could be explored at any time and that’s why it’s even worse than a relationship with any ex.

And that is why I call B.S. on Stubborn’s ‘friends’ theory. Although, if I’m out calling B.S. I’ll have to admit defeat too. We’re probably not ‘texting buddies’ either (see reasons above). What we are, are two people denying their emotions because it’s safer that way. But if Stubborn and I thought a lack of commitment would keep us safe, well, we were seriously wrong.