relationships

What if I can’t tell if he loves me or not?

For a crush:

There’s a lot of uncertainty for the two of you, so not knowing if he loves you or not is very stressful. Since he is your crush I imagine you’ve been paying a lot of attention to him. Does he make an effort to talk to you, ask you about your days and hobbies? Does he ask if you’ll be at that party this weekend or try to find ways to be around you? If the answer so far has been mostly No then maybe he’s not good at expressing his thoughts verbally and you need to see his actions instead. Does he find ways to be near you? Does he do little things that make your life easier? 

If the answer is still No then a lack of maturity could be the issue or sadly, he just might not be that into you (link older article). One last thing to keep in mind though is have you made it obvious to him that you like him? Could he read those questions and mostly answer Yes? Have you been honest and straightforward “I like you, I would like to date you, what do you think?”

I know it’s scary to put yourself out there like that but this not knowing will fill you with doubt and destroy your peace of mind from the inside out so even if it’s not the answer you’re hoping for, it’s better to know for sure than always wonder. 

For a relationship:

It’s very possible you might have a different love language than your significant other. That’s very common and nothing to fear. The way in which you show love and expect it to be shown back to you might be very different than the way your significant other naturally shows their love for you. For example, you might be vocal about your love, writing love letters, showering them with compliments, and always ending an exchange with ‘I love you’. Your significant other might be quiet or reserved and you may be hurt that they never compliment you or say I Love You first. This is where it’s important to 1. Figure out your love language and your SO’s love language and 2. Directly communicate to your SO that you need to be shown some love in your love language (to continue the example, you might ask them to write you a note of appreciate or love or to make the effort to compliment you more). 

It’s important you find out the love language of your SO other because this can help you notice the ways in which they ARE showing their love. For example, they might show love by spending quality time together. No matter how busy their schedule is, they make sure that they are home to spend every dinner with you. And sure, you are capable of walking the dog by yourself, but they walk with you every time for that extra one on one time. This extra effort may have been going by unnoticed to you. You may have even gotten annoyed when they asked you to check your social media apps after dinner but now you’re realized how much they cherish that time of undivided attention and connection. 

Aside from realizing all the ways you are being shown love, you can also make the effort to show them love in that same way as well. You’ll feel connected again when you start making this effort along with seeing them make the effort to speak your love language too.

We Should Take a Break

It’s most likely a sentence you never want to hear come out of your partner’s mouth. But you’ve probably felt the disconnect in the relationship and that’s partly what the break is trying to fix.

Time apart helps you realize what you really want in a relationship and what you’re truly able to give to your partner at this time. Some times you need to think things over: Are you both moving towards the same future? Did she break your trust? Unless both people can commit to improving the relationship together then this break usually leads to a break up.

In Modern dating, going on breaks seems to be much more common. I’m not sure why and I don’t exactly think it’s healthy. When couples fight, instead of working through things they just try to end it. But then they can’t so they get back together weeks or just days later. But that’s another post topic itself.

If the relationship norm for you does not include repeatedly breaking up and getting back together than a call for a break could definitely set warning bells off. If you need a break then something is missing. All relationships go through ebbs and flows, you’re not going to be happy with each other 24/7. The difference is that most couples still want to work through it and would rather be upset with you than without you.

Going on a break is like a practice throw so that you’re prepared later to really throw in the towel. But half the time you don’t end up getting back together and what you thought was practice was actually the real deal. If you’re willing to take a break then you’re already willing to take the risk to live without them again.

If you take a break and it leads to a break up then at least you’re not with someone who didn’t really fit with you. If you guys end up getting back together then you both come back with a new found appreciation for each other. It’s a win win situation once you stop crying because you miss your ex.

Desperate or Not Settling

I keep thinking that it might be time to take a break from dating, that the guys must smell the desperation reeking off of me.

I’m looking for a real relationship with a smart, kind man. One with ambition but knows how to relax. One that is also looking for a relationship and willing to show me that effort.

This is apparently a tall order to fill. I am beginning to think I’m asking too much or I’m looking too hard for love.

For one, I don’t think love finds you when you stop looking for it. You have to be open for love but it can’t become your obsession. As long as you maintain your identity by hanging with friends and following your hobbies while dating then you should be able to look for love and find it.

Secondly, I don’t think I’m asking too much of potential suitors, but perhaps I am asking the wrong ones. Dating Apps are becoming notoriously known for casual dating and just a way to pass the time. So finding someone who is looking to really commit has become more than half the battle.

So No, I’m not desperate because I’m looking for something real and long lasting. I just need to start looking in more places and take breaks when the constant left down starts to make dating less fun.

Monsters Under the Bed

Insecurity and doubt are monsters

that live in my head.

I introduced you to them last night in bed

Are there any alarms going off inside your head

that think I’m just a different brand of crazy?

An apology scraps the inside of my mouth

but the monsters push another imaginary issue forward.

My naive heart has been betrayed and lied to

and as a last line of defense,

I will accuse you of doing the same.

I must trust you to not slice open

this vulnerable heart if we’re going to last.

When to Say No

I have been on quite a few dates over the years. There is a debate about when to say No to a date/guy. Should you say yes to every guy? Give a fair chance to everyone? Will it burn you out to always be saying Yes? When is the time to say No?

I mentioned before being nudged into a coffee date because I was being called out for judging this guy too quickly. I didn’t want to seem like a judgmental bitch to this stranger (why I would care is another post for another time) so I agreed to coffee. See, I knew I was right that this guy wasn’t a good match for me.

That doesn’t make him a bad person or me a better one. It bugged me that I couldn’t say No. Actually I had already said No! It was when I originally said No that he called me judgmental and it’s really quite difficult to say No twice.

So we get coffee and he wasn’t the guy for me. We didn’t have much in common, we didn’t have any chemistry, things he considered fun were things that sounded like my personal nightmare. We were just too different and there wasn’t anything pushing us to make it work anyway. And you shouldn’t have to try to make it work with every person you meet. You’re allowed to be picky. You’re allowed to have standards.

I gotta admit, this post isn’t really for any of you. It’s for me. I’m here to tell myself that it’s okay to say No. It’s okay to stick to your guns. It’s okay to say No as many times as you want! Whenever you want!You don’t want to go out on a date, don’t go. You like this guy but you don’t want to go back to his house yet, don’t. You went back to his house and the clothes are falling to the bedroom floor, You’re allowed to change your mind and say No.

No matter where you are in the relationship or in the moment, you have the freedom and the right to say No. You don’t owe him anything. But you do owe it to yourself to stand up for yourself. Be your own Advocate. Be your own strength.

What are you looking for on here


In order to not waste each other’s time, an early question in the online dating world will be “What are you looking for on here?”. 

You never want to start off as seeming desperate so you always play it cool. Originally, I would go for an open ended, lighthearted response because I know boys scare easily. But now, if the idea of a relationship scares you then I don’t even want to waste my time hand holding you through the beginning of a relationship.

And that’s why I hate guys who say they’re 

“taking it day by day” 

“wherever it leads is where I end up” 

“nothing in particular” 

“just seeing how things go” 

“idk what I’m looking for”

(all actual quotes I’ve received)

I get not wanting to come off too strong but these guys just don’t care at alllll. I hate the wishy washy, could take it or leave it attitude. I want someone who cares and puts in effort. Who shows respect and potential. I know finding a real match is difficult and a lot of dating is ‘seeing how things go’ but I want someone who is mentally and emotionally ready to commit. 

These are guys that are just not as desperate as the guys who say they’re straight up looking for a good time. But they both are looking for the same thing. Casual, surface level companionship. They’re just trying to spin it a little differently so you’ll be fooled into thinking they really care about you. 

I’m looking for a boyfriend and I know these guys aren’t looking to settle down anytime soon and I’m not going to waste my time on that. I know friends with benefits can turn into a real relationship but that’s the exception to the rule and I’m not counting on beating the odds with that one. 

Unfortunately, some people just use dating apps as a way to pass the time and stave off boredom. It seems I’ve been running into a lot of them lately.

DD is 4 years old!

Debatably Dateable is 4 years old! My oh my, how big she’s grown! I can’t believe this blog is 4 years old today! 

If I’m honest, I did not put much effort into my blog this year. I go through waves of inspiration and droughts, and I’ve had an extremely long drought this year. Fall 2019 I was doing great with my queue and I think that honestly held me through. When the summer started I did start to work on new content. But I haven’t really been active on here and the stats really show from July 2019 5,003 to this July (just last month). 

6,000 !

I am proud that DD has over 6,000 followers, I appreciate every single one of you for taking the time to read the thoughts and feelings I share. I hope my honesty has helped some of you feel connected to something outside of yourself. I’m also proud to stay that I’ve posted 700 articles/poems over these 4 years and I’ve loved exploring so many topics with all of you!

 

She’s helped me launch 3 poetry collections now and I’m so thankful to have WordPress as a platform to share my work with all of you!

Purchase any of my books on amazon here!

July Playlist – Want You Back

 

1.Come Back Song (2010)

Darius Rucker starts off with a clever analogy of his morning coffee and the end of his relationship. He’s willing to admit he was wrong for ending the relationship and that she is doing well without him. The night seems to hit the hardest, missing her as he tries to fall asleep alone. He hopes this song will reach her and publicly humble him as he tries to win her back.

 

2. I Want You Back (1996)

NSYNC* brings another great bop as they sing of a mistake they’re trying to take back. He has to apologize and find a way to get her back. He reflects on how naive he was in the beginning of the relationship and the things he’d do differently now.

 

3. We Belong Together (2005)

Mariah Carey expresses her guilt of ending a relationship and how she misses his voice and touch. She remembers all the good times they had together and how he was such an important part of her life. Everything is reminding her of how much she misses him and how lonely she is now. The loss she feels is too great to properly explain.

 

4. Want You Back (2017)

HAIM sings of fearing love and therefore driving her lover away. But she’s ready to open up now and be vulnerable. She admits her mistake and will take the blame if that’s what it takes to get him back. She’s ready to commit her heart to loving him if he’ll let her. 

 

5. What if I Told You That I Love You (2020)

Ali Gatie wonders what she could say to get her lover back. She wonders if he could possibly feel the same way she does. She’s also a bit insecure about their past and if his feelings were really true for her. She fights an uphill battle though as he has found a new love. Still she hopes she’s not alone in her feelings.