self love

Working on Your Jealousy in a Relationship

Since jealousy usually pops up when someone outside your relationship is seemingly getting close to your significant other, most people would believe jealousy is about your SO or the other person. But it’s time you face the music and realize jealousy nearly every time is all about you. Jealousy only really pops up when there are issues of self esteem, trust, or fear.

 

Self Esteem

Low self esteem usually involves feelings of not being good enough and the idea that you’re difficult to love. This comes out during a relationship as not feeling like your a good partner and maybe the thought that your partner deserves someone else that is better. Your partner has already chosen you. Give them some credit to being a good judge of character and also realize they are able to make their own decisions of who’s a good partner for them.

Trust

Unless your current SO has done or said something that has cracked or broken your trust with them, then your trust issues are probably displaced from past experiences. If there was an issue with your SO this is the rare time your jealousy is not solely on you. If the relationship is continuing open and honest communicate will be vital in rebuilding that trust. You’ll want to try to gain control by limiting social media interaction or keeping tabs while they go out with friends. This is not a long term fix and you will eventually have to give back control and trust your partner to be faithful. But most of the time your trust issues would have developed earlier on from romantic and non romantic relationships. You’ll need to realize your SO hasn’t betrayed your trust and they can’t be punished for other people’s past mistakes. 

 

Fear

Fear is another possible cause for jealousy. You may fear losing this person you’ve grown to love, you may fear being left and feeling lonely, or you may fear a failed relationship and judgement from friends, family, and outsiders. These fears are mostly out of your control and your worrying is not doing any good for yourself or the relationship. Be the best SO you can be and realize if your partner decides to leave anyway that you are still a good partner and worthy of love.

 

Overcoming your issues

Finding the root of your jealousy is the first step in overcoming it. A helpful tool for working on these causes is affirmation phrases.

 

For Self Esteem try:

  1. I am worthy of love
  2. I am a good SO and fulfilling partner in my relationship
  3. My partner chose and loves me

 

For Trust try:

  1. My partner is not my ex.
  2. They have not hurt me and I trust they will take care of my love
  3. My partner truly loves me and is doing their best to show me so

 

For Fear try:

  1. I cannot control my partner’s choices
  2. I will be okay if this relationship fails
  3. I can depend on my family and friends for support
  4. I will be able to find someone else to truly cherish me

 

Write down the ones that resonate with you and come up with your own! When you feel your jealousy rising say these phrases to yourself and become grounded in your logic. The more you say them, the more you will believe them, and eventually you can conquer your jealousy.

Don’t forget to communicate with you partner , letting them know what your triggers are, and what support you need from them.

 

Dead Branches

These thoughts rotting inside my head are not my own

I know that and yet I cannot stop thinking them.

I’m sorry it’s not just the two of us in this relationship.

Thank you for being patient and kind

the gentle hand to soothe my worries away.

Even as I sway, I always stay rooted in you.

And I will cut the dead branches that weigh us down.

Second Choice

I’ve talked before about ways to know if you’re wasting your time on a guy or not. These guys, for a variety of reasons, are emotionally unavailable. Of course, it’s never so black and white, instead he’s more open and available some weeks or some nights and you think you’ve finally gotten through to him. And then he’s back to his old ways, not making time for you, and you can’t figure out where he truly stands with you. Here are some reasons why a guy might not be making room in his life for you.

They’re focused on their career and don’t have the time to dedicate to a girlfriend right now. It makes complete sense and you can’t really get mad at them for being self aware about their priorities. And it might cause some internal and interpersonal issues when you’re always put second behind their job.

Other times you can feel like you’re being put second to their friends and hobbies. It’s perfectly healthy to split up time between going out with your girlfriend and going out with your friends. It becomes a problem when you tell her you’re too busy to meet up this week and then you complain about how you’re getting dragged out to the bar by your friends. Just because she is understanding and doesn’t pick on you for decompressing at home does not mean she deserves the short end of the stick while your friends get their way. Either make time for her and be fair or stand up to your friends. Or don’t blame your friends when you know you’re always going to want to pick them over your girlfriend.

You ever have a significant other get back with their ex right after you guys break up and then you’re like “oh, now I get it.” Maybe you were just the rebound girl who lasted too long or he was lying to himself when he said he was really over her. You realize once he had the choice to choose between you or her, he chose her. And that breaks your heart, which I completely understand BUT it totally shouldn’t because the guy who doesn’t choose you doesn’t deserve you!

Lastly, it’s a combination of these things but most importantly, he just doesn’t care enough about you to put you first. It doesn’t really matter the reason, just his actions showing you how far down you are on his priority list. Remember how that makes you feel and don’t wait around for a love that will probably never come.

You should be with the guy who doesn’t put you second. You should be with the guy who puts in the effort to see you, the one who smiles when reading your text, and the one who is factoring you into his future because he can’t imagine it without you. That’s the guy you deserve.

You’re worth being put first.

Love You, Love Me Not

I could love you if you let me

but you keep me outside your heart

my fingertips stroke at the pulse of your vulnerability

No, I guess you’re keeping your heart safe for someone else

My thoughts race for hours stirring up all the ways I don’t measure up

I’d drown in self doubt if Sleep didn’t take mercy on me.

Your heart beats for her but will it bleed?

No flower petal or wishing star is willing to take that bet with me.

See loving you would be bad for my health

My heart would sacrifice me in order to make room for you

And without a home in yours, I grow weak and insecure

Starving for your love would be the death of me.

So this is self preservation baby

I’ve bled too much for you

It’s my life or yours,

and I choose Mine.

-June 2017

The Dating Curse

I think most daters consider themselves cursed in someway, whether it’s the fact they have so many first dates and rarely make it to the second or they say the conversation of moving in together always ends in breaking things off.

I, myself, am cursed.

Every time I start liking a guy and decide it’s time to delete my dating apps because I’m barely even on them anymore is about the same time that we stop talking. It usually happens within the same week, as if they sense it! With Different it happened just hours later! Am I really bad at reading people’s emotions or is this just bad coincidence?

Maybe they notice a shift, like I’m closing the distance, like this could be turning into something real. If that’s the case then I don’t plan on changing my curse, just the guy.

The issue with curses is that sometimes you fear them coming so much that you wish them into reality. You could get that second date if you stop worrying about what’s wrong with each guy on the first date. And of course having a curse is a good way to place blame. Why does dating keep not working out? It’s the curses fault, if I wasn’t cursed this wouldn’t happen!

If something you don’t like keeps happening, its unfortunately not a curse, but a bad habit. Behavior has to change in order to lift ‘the curse’. There’s no Prince Charming that slayed dragons and saved you from your curse. It was you, your self awareness, and your effort to improve.

Why You Can’t Be Friends With Your Ex

When a relationship ends rather amicably, it makes it harder to really sever the ties. For my situation with Mr. Right, it was a logical decision to end things, not an emotional one. So it took longer for the emotions to align with our minds. It’s confusing trying to be friends with your ex. You read into conversations more, rethink how things could have been, and still crave that intimacy that is just out of reach now.

When you break up, you have to establish new friendship boundaries and that’s not something that easily happens over night. I’m not saying you can never be friends with your ex. I’m just saying that taking a break after a break up is extremely helpful in the healing process. Not taking time apart just delays the hurt and the loneness. You need some closure on that part of the relationship in order to open up the door for friendship again.

You have to remember that you can still do things on your own just fine and that you were never dependent on someone else. You need time to mourn the relationship as it was. If you don’t take this time, it could lead to ending the relationship but still hooking up for physical intimacy. Or perhaps you’re trying to persuade him back into a committed relationship. It’s a sticky situation when you’re just hooking up when feeling so emotionally attached. You’re putting yourself right in the line of fire to get your feelings really hurt.

It also makes it really difficult to move on and become emotionally available again when you’re in constant contact with your ex. If you’re still texting all hours of the day and you go to her when you hear great or terrible news, then you’re probably still kinda dating.

Relationships are complicated and break ups even more so. You don’t have to try to date someone new. But if a break up did happen then it might be a good time to reflect on yourself and the relationship. Figure out what you really need and want from your significant other and think about if your ex can really be that person.

This time of closure and reflection is all about you. So being friends with your ex while trying to sort out your own emotions makes things cloud and confusing. Allow yourself some solitude and clarity before reforming a relationship/friendship with your ex again.

I’d be a Really Good Girlfriend

In honor of Valentine’s Day tomorrow, I want to talk about how great of a girlfriend I would be.

That sounds soo conceited and I feel insanely weird for making this post but if I have to embarrass myself just for one person to have a good take away from this article then I’ll do it. And its good to be nice to yourself sometimes. So for making such a statement perhaps you’re wondering how her highness has come to this conclusion?

I’m considerate. I let you know when I’m busy so you’re not left hanging. A simple “busy now, text you when I can” message can keep a person from going crazy. I don’t like playing games. I wont wait 40 minutes to text you back just because you took 20. If that type of forwardness makes you uncomfortable then you’re not the guy for me. I don’t want you to go out of your way for me, I try to plan dates that are near both of us and I don’t take it for granted that you might pay for the date.

I can give you space and encourage you to be your own person. It’s a bit mesmerizing for me when someone talks about things they’re passionate about. Their eyes smile, you know their heart is happy and I encourage them to explore that happiness. We don’t need to be together always, you are you and I am me. Your differences are new and exciting to me, so let’s celebrate them.

I’m open minded and understanding, which makes me supportive. If there’s anything I learned about life so far, it’s that people are complicated. Life is hard and you don’t always get it right. You don’t have to be perfect, in fact, I hope you’re not. I try not to judge difficult moments in your life and I’m very appreciative when you trust me enough to share those darker times.

I’ll be a great girlfriend because I loved the wrong ones so well. I have a big heart and if you take the time to climb over these guarding walls, you’d see there’s this big, empty room with your name on the front door calling you home. If I could try so hard to make it work with the guy who didn’t treat me well enough then imagine how well it could work when you are treating me right.

Now, I need you all to repeat after me and say “I’d be a really good girlfriend/boyfriend/ significant other/caring partner/friend.” You listen well or you know how to take action. You can always lighten the mood or you value loyalty. Don’t doubt yourself, don’t make yourself small or apologetic, instead say you’re good enough and actually believe it for once.

You are a good person, a good friend, and you are important to those around you. Tomorrow doesn’t change any of that.

Please write in the comments and tell me a few of your good qualities!

Sometimes it’s Just not Meant to be

So there was this guy I once had a crush on and it lasted many, many years. Nothing ever really happened so there isn’t much of a beginning to talk about but there is an End. We got in a fight because I felt the friendship was very one sided and I was probably also jealous of this girl he liked (and eventually dated). So the end went with him saying, “I only like you as a friend. Sorry.” And just like that it FINALLY clicked. It was over.

He was never going to like me as I wished he would. I needed that direct finality to ultimately stop living in this fantasy relationship alone (This is what I often tried to push Stubborn into saying. It’s also the reason I held on so long, because he could never say it).

Even though we weren’t exes, I feel like the best way to get over an ex is to cut off all contact for some time in order to ensure that no romantic feelings pop back up. Once I stopped putting in the effort to keep in touch with him, the friendship instantly ended. We talked a few times over the next 6 months to be polite but then it just all faded.

So it’s been years since we’ve seen each other and I liked keeping it that way. Now we’re both attending an event and it’s unavoidable. Here, I find myself wondering if he might like me now? Years have passed, I’ve changed my hair, my body has changed, and we’ve both done some growing up.

This is all insecure 16 year old me talking. The first guy she ever liked didn’t like her back and she wants to stop doubting that she’s not good enough.

No matter what color my hair is, I am still me. I will never be the love of his life and don’t want to be her. I’m also not who I used to be when I was 16. I have different wants and needs now; I want a different kind of relationship than I did as a teen. It wasn’t my hair color that stopped him from ever liking me and it surely won’t be the reason he would suddenly like me now.

We just weren’t a good match. That happens sometimes without it being anyone’s fault. That’s a hard reality to face. It took a very long time for me to learn that sometimes two people just aren’t meant to be together. It took me a long time to stop blaming this guy, Stubborn, and myself. Sometimes things just don’t work out. Sometimes you know the reason, other times you don’t.

You can’t make other people like you and you can’t force yourself to fall in love with someone you just don’t have chemistry with. The only person you could really do that with is yourself.

 

Step Up or Step Away

So there was this girl and her friend introduced her to this guy. And they would talk all night, every night. They went on dates all the time, their favorite being the movie theater. They dated for a few months but it was still pretty new when friends of the girl started hearing that the guy was still talking to other girls.

She was devastated and didn’t want to believe what her friends were telling her but she ended things with Guy because if she wasn’t the only girl in his life then she didn’t want to be in his life at all! They separated for a few months and the distance helped Guy realize he lost someone really special. He did his best to win her back and continues to do so till this day many years later. He stepped up, became a better man, and I don’t think he’ll ever have to be without her again.

Many girls nowadays (myself included) find themselves in a similar situation to Girl, they know a guy who cares about them but he’s worried about failure, getting hurt, or missing out on some imaginary girl down the road. He’s not emotionally ready so they find themselves on breaks or in ‘almost’ relationships, wanting their guy to step up for them. And you know what emotionally unready guys tend to do? They tend to hurt you; They talk down on you to take out their anger, they make plans with you but then ditch, and they make you feel like this minimal effort is all you deserve.

And then these girls are worried that they won’t find someone better, they’re too emotionally attached, or they just don’t want to be lonely so they let these half relationships continue instead of waiting for a guy who truly values them. You deserve so much MORE!

We all wish that our guy will be like Guy, that he’ll realize what he’s lost and he’ll step up. I think that’s the fairytale and not reality. I didn’t tell you about Guy and Girl to get your hopes up. I told you about them so that you might realize when you step away you finally allow yourself to be open to the guy who wants to step up.

Sincerely stepping away is hard and it might take a few tries before you’re really ready for it. You have to cut all ties, delete him from social media, and allow yourself alone time to heal and the bleeding for him to stop. But you (and I) deserve someone who supports, encourages, and respects you.

This isn’t me telling you to step up, this is me telling you I’m stepping away.

 

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