Since jealousy usually pops up when someone outside your relationship is seemingly getting close to your significant other, most people would believe jealousy is about your SO or the other person. But it’s time you face the music and realize jealousy nearly every time is all about you. Jealousy only really pops up when there are issues of self esteem, trust, or fear.
Low self esteem usually involves feelings of not being good enough and the idea that you’re difficult to love. This comes out during a relationship as not feeling like your a good partner and maybe the thought that your partner deserves someone else that is better. Your partner has already chosen you. Give them some credit to being a good judge of character and also realize they are able to make their own decisions of who’s a good partner for them.
Unless your current SO has done or said something that has cracked or broken your trust with them, then your trust issues are probably displaced from past experiences. If there was an issue with your SO this is the rare time your jealousy is not solely on you. If the relationship is continuing open and honest communicate will be vital in rebuilding that trust. You’ll want to try to gain control by limiting social media interaction or keeping tabs while they go out with friends. This is not a long term fix and you will eventually have to give back control and trust your partner to be faithful. But most of the time your trust issues would have developed earlier on from romantic and non romantic relationships. You’ll need to realize your SO hasn’t betrayed your trust and they can’t be punished for other people’s past mistakes.
Fear is another possible cause for jealousy. You may fear losing this person you’ve grown to love, you may fear being left and feeling lonely, or you may fear a failed relationship and judgement from friends, family, and outsiders. These fears are mostly out of your control and your worrying is not doing any good for yourself or the relationship. Be the best SO you can be and realize if your partner decides to leave anyway that you are still a good partner and worthy of love.
Overcoming your issues
Finding the root of your jealousy is the first step in overcoming it. A helpful tool for working on these causes is affirmation phrases.
For Self Esteem try:
- I am worthy of love
- I am a good SO and fulfilling partner in my relationship
- My partner chose and loves me
For Trust try:
- My partner is not my ex.
- They have not hurt me and I trust they will take care of my love
- My partner truly loves me and is doing their best to show me so
For Fear try:
- I cannot control my partner’s choices
- I will be okay if this relationship fails
- I can depend on my family and friends for support
- I will be able to find someone else to truly cherish me
Write down the ones that resonate with you and come up with your own! When you feel your jealousy rising say these phrases to yourself and become grounded in your logic. The more you say them, the more you will believe them, and eventually you can conquer your jealousy.
Don’t forget to communicate with you partner , letting them know what your triggers are, and what support you need from them.