single

The Update

I hope most of you are reading this because you read yesterday’s blog post and decided to check back for the update!

He said… No to me but I said… Yes (to myself)!

The first time I ask it’s still kind of vague. I ask if he’ll take me out some time this month. I don’t really say where, when, or what. All he did was avoid it and say he works a lot. I was giving him time in advance though so that it could be a day he had off from work…

Since I had recently worked up the courage to ask him once, I figured I have to ask him again to be sure. No more of the vague nonsense. This time I wanted to be more specific. I told him a date and what we would be doing that. He said it sounded great and he would totally be there if he wasn’t working.

WAIT. Yeah, you heard me. He said he would totally be there, AS IF I haven’t been wanting to hang out with him for the past two months?!

So I consulted two friends for a male and female perspective. Except it wasn’t two different perspectives, they agreed he wasn’t stepping up and the only reason he was interested in the date was because it involved ice cream and he has a sweet tooth. Nothing to do with seeing me.

I told Stubborn to be direct with me and straight up tell me he wasn’t interested in seeing me. He said “nah” (Yeah, I WISH I was making this up). Nah what? Nah, you’re just an A*hole or Nah, you can’t say that because you ARE interested in seeing me?

I said Why not

He said Because.

 (I’d like to say when you don’t make a legit argument it’s because a) you don’t have one b) you just don’t care enough or c) you’re still just an A*hole Hint: It looks like all 3 apply here).

I said Because you’re just selfish and want me in your back pocket…?

He said No but I told him to knock it off and then I never talked to him again.

I’m done being the one putting in all the effort. I’m done getting no effort in return. I’m done feeling like I’m not enough (because in reality, no one is enough for him right now). I’m done feeling like I’m hard to love because I’m not and it’s time I realize that. I’m done because I deserve more than a 10% relationship.

If you want me, make the effort because I’m done.

 

*^ So I wrote this right when it happened but only decided to post it now. It’s been 4 weeks! Some days were tougher than others but I never gave in. I’m finally strong enough to not use this crutch that I used to hide from loneliness and from the fear of really putting myself out there for a true relationship where I could get hurt.

I’m finally free.

Flaws

There are so many articles on the Internet about not wasting time on guys who don’t pursue you honestly and whole –heartedly from the start. Since these articles are mostly for women written by women, it nearly makes sense that all the blame seems to be on the guy. We assume it’s always the guy with the commitment issues and his inability to open up that causes him to ruin relationships. We assume the women have no hang ups of their own that would make them unready for a relationship.

Of course, I agree that these men are emotionally unavailable and it’s highly unlikely that they will be in a relationship with anyone anytime soon. But I also think we’re fooling ourselves if we think we’re nothing but innocent bystanders in this. Why are we picking these men? Do we hope to fix them? Do we see something in them that resembles ourselves? Are we not ready for love and just trying to project the blame somewhere else? Are we really just trying to fix ourselves?

If you want the perfect man then you also have to be flawless, which is unrealistic! Perfect does not exist. Relationships are about accepting flaws and how flaws work well together. While others say he’s too restless to settle down, she is excited by his sense of adventure. Some try to say she’s too demanding but he admires the way she loves life so fiercely.

Maybe we attract those that are similar to ourselves. We’re compassionate for flaws we recognize in others. We treat others as kindly as we wish we could treat ourselves. I try to be open -minded and understanding when a guy is opening up to me about a scar of his because I fear someone judging my scars harshly. When I met a guy with intimacy issues, I know not to push him too quickly because I know how easily I scare away too. And perhaps sometimes I think, “if I work on his issues, maybe mine can go away too”.

We are all flawed (despite what Beyonce sings) and we will always be flawed, but that doesn’t make us unlovable. It just takes the right person to see your stars when everyone was seeing an empty sky.

Back When

But the light hazes in this boundless bedroom

and all I see is clingy, itchy ivy

entrapping my wrist like regret imprisons my thoughts.

I can’t take back this one night but still

I pinch my eyes closed again

back to the darkness.

 

Back when a dark haired man seemed

like a good idea. Back when

I felt brave and confident

to go up to a man and take

what I desired.

Saying “You Can Do Better” but Meaning…

I have definitely said, “You can do better” to a friend before and I have also had it said to me. I realize it is a friend trying to support, compliment, and look out for you. That’s how I meant it when I said it, along with “You deserve so much better” and “Forget him, he’s nothing but bad news anyway”. What I’m also willing to admit is that I’m passing along a lot of judgment while saying these ‘encouraging’ comments (read: critiques).

I’m judging her taste and ability to choose lovers/boyfriends by calling them ‘bad news’. I’m telling her that she has no authority over her own life and I’m going to make better decisions for her since she can’t seem to pick the right guy for herself. I’m judging her self -confidence and worth by telling her what I think she deserves; how much I think she is worth. All in all, I’m criticizing her personal choices.

I’m also telling her that our friendship is no longer a safe place to openly be herself. I’m telling her that this friendship is about me. I am not here for her to voice her concerns and lessen her burdens. I am here to praise myself for not making the same foolish mistakes that I am judging you for from where I sit on my high horse. I’m telling her to not trust me with her vulnerability.

She knows any other girl would try and leave him, but her feelings are outweighing her logic. And Love is rarely logically. She doesn’t need her friends pointing out the logical and less ’embarrassing’ option. She needs support so that she never feels trapped or shamed. She needs support so that she can finally come to a new decision on her own in due time. Or she might never change her mind! And then she has to choose between you and him. Trust me, you’ll lose her then because she will always choose Love.

So when I tell her “Wise up, he’s no good for you” I’m also telling her “Wise up, I’m not much better.” Because if a friend needs to tear you down in order to build themselves up, then that’s not a friend you need to be around.

 

 

Just Friends

In one of our many fights where I tried to get out of this half -in, half -out, half -ass relationship, I demoted (or properly label) our ‘relationship’ to texting buddies. Stubborn would (yes, you guessed it) stubbornly tell me that we are friends (as if that would make me feel better). That particular label really rubbed me the wrong way for a number of reasons:

Desire to Date: Mainly, the fact that I wanted to date Stubborn and he was reminding me that wouldn’t be happening because he only wants to be my friend. It’s a harsh blow to the ego when you realize some emotions are only one -sided.

Friends Don’t Kiss: Of course, if he did only view me as a friend then we would have never kissed. And from what he’s told me, he doesn’t just kiss anyone. So either kissing me was a mistake or he’s suppressing the feelings associated with those kisses. And I think we all know you can’t make the same mistake twice…

Hey There Jealousy: But if it was a just a mistake and not a choice then neither of us would get jealous when we talk about the opposite sex. I used to try to make Stubborn jealous to see if he cared by telling him about boys from class or bars or whatever. The problem was that Stubborn was better at the game than me (I like to think I’ve stopped playing this game as a sign of my own maturity, but it was probably because I was no good at it). A true Capricorn avoiding his feelings like they don’t exist, Stubborn could keep his cool long enough to then mention whichever girl was in his vicinity and I would be the green- eyed monster. If I was the only jealous one then why would Stubborn make the effort to bring up girls?

Friends Actually Hang Out: Funny enough, he could never really check to see if my stories were real or just a hoax to make him jealous because we didn’t really hang out. Obviously, we’ve kissed but neither event was a common occurrence. And he had time to see his actual friends weekly so I felt cheated being called his friend but never getting to see him like the rest of his friends could.

Worse than an Ex: Since I am only Stubborn’s friend, he is still single and could possibly find a girl worth dating. No girl (or guy if I was to find myself a respectable suitor) would be comfortable with our friendship and the amount of access we have to one another. In fact, I didn’t tell my past suitors about Stubborn, which probably says a lot in itself (for the two guys I considered getting serious with, I would tell Stubborn that I couldn’t talk to him anymore. And then a few weeks would go by and things wouldn’t work out and I would be back- don’t worry I’m judging me too). An ex has already been tried and burned and we know exactly why a second round would not work out. Stubborn’s new girl might view the friendship with me as a potential relationship that could be explored at any time and that’s why it’s even worse than a relationship with any ex.

And that is why I call B.S. on Stubborn’s ‘friends’ theory. Although, if I’m out calling B.S. I’ll have to admit defeat too. We’re probably not ‘texting buddies’ either (see reasons above). What we are, are two people denying their emotions because it’s safer that way. But if Stubborn and I thought a lack of commitment would keep us safe, well, we were seriously wrong.

The First Lesson I Learned While Dating

I actually learned a few lessons from the first guy who took me out (it gets confusing if I say I dated him because he was never my boyfriend, we just went on dates for a month or two). I’ve decided to nickname him Liar since most of what I’ve learned from him has to do with lies and betrayal.

So naïve, young Me first started talking to Liar around Thanksgiving 2014. We started going on some dates, he would call me on his way home from work, and I even met some of his friends and coworkers. Maybe it was moving a little fast, but what did I know, this was my first time going on real dates with someone who actually seemed like they wanted to date me.

Now this was nearly 2 years ago and such a short amount of time, so it’s hard to get the timeline right but I’m doing what I can. One date was rock climbing and two of his friends came along. At one point, they wanted to video each other trying out new rock jumping tricks (because nothing counts unless you film it). I went to get Liar’s phone from the cubby and his home screen showed that some girl was texting him. I honestly thought nothing of it, he knows plenty of female co-workers, I sure he has friends of the opposite gender, it really wasn’t a big deal.

Perhaps at this point he had already told me that all his focus was on me and therefore, I had gotten off my dating apps and even stopped talking to Stubborn (yeah, he’s been in the picture for THAT long). I suggest this only because Liar kept reassuring me that this text message on his phone was absolutely nothing to worry about. He told me twice and then even had his friend message me to make sure I believed him. The amount of effort he took to cover his tracks was actually the signal that tipped me off.

Since we weren’t officially dating and I had no idea what the text messages were really about, I actually continued to see him for a few more weeks. I guess at that point Liar was getting a bit too comfortable with the fact that I had stuck around for more than 4 weeks and he needed a way to let me go.

I don’t remember how the conversation got started but suddenly Liar was telling me that his Aunt’s cancer was back and that he needed to focus on his family and he didn’t want to do wrong by me if he didn’t have enough time for me. Naïve, young Me felt really bad about his Aunt being sick; I truly wanted to help him through it and be an emotionally support system for him. He lied so smoothly I didn’t even realize this was him breaking things off with me!

I don’t know how soon after, but eventually I was filled in that his Aunt’s cancer was not back and this was just his way of getting rid of me. Who the hell lies about CANCER?!

Oh and he met up with some girl from the next state over. Anyways, it wasn’t till recently after I’ve dated much more that I figured it out. Liar just wasn’t ready to leave his comfort zone. He liked dating multiple girls, he liked thinking he was so cool and desirable, and he probably even liked the thrill of sneaking around. And of course, when you don’t commit then you can’t make yourself vulnerable to getting hurt.

I went on A LOT of first dates over the past 2 years. And I always found something wrong with the guy and I almost always TOLD him about it. (Yeah, I was that brutally honest bitch.)

It was a lesson I learned: hurt them first so they can’t hurt you.

Of course, that didn’t exactly work out like I wanted it to. I was wrongfully teaching those guys the same lesson I had learned while hurt. I was teaching them that if they put themselves out there I was going to make them regret it (or some other girl trying to stay safe in her comfort zone would). It’s the same reason people ‘ghost’ each other. There’s no hurt or rejection if you leave. But I was hurting myself by not allowing love in.

Relationships are hard work. We mess up a lot. But if you never get out of your comfort zone and allow yourself to be vulnerable, then you’ll never experience the love you gain when the gamble works out. There’s no pay out if you leave before all the cards are dealt.

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Change

 

Then I met you and you looked at me with eyes so true

so I put all my dreams to bed

and another word about them was never said.

You make me better while you make me worse

and you say you love me and you said you’re sorry but it all sounds so well rehearsed.

Suddenly your eyes weren’t so true and I couldn’t forget all you put me through

I finally stepped out of your shadow and let my own light glow

because experiencing life is the only way I’ll grow.

Now I’m taking every chance I get because I’m not done living yet.

Whether the days hot or the months cold

there’s more to life than just doing what you’re told.

Refuse to make regrets or ‘could have been’s

cause a life can end just as soon as it begins.

 

Over the horizon there are things in life bigger than you and me

and I realized change can be kind, for it let’s you be free.

Change reminds your heart of forgotten dreams

and never holds you back on dry land.

I can feel the water on my feet as I let go of your hand.

Beyond this ordinary life, there’s got to be more

cause I can feel it in my heart, a flame that I can not ignore.

 

If you want to write the story of your life

you need to have the courage to lose sight of the shore.

So light me up across the sky

and never again will I let my dreams die.

And if you’re ever missing me

just look up into the night and watch my burning light

no matter where I go just know

I love you as much as I did all those years ago.

 

-April 2012

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Do You Date the Guy You Know You Won’t Marry?

If you’re in a crunch and don’t have time to read, the short answer is No.

 

I mean yes, sure you could date him as long as you both know the deal: that it will eventually end so that you can each marry someone else (if you happen to choose that marriage is for you).

But that leads to a lot of IFs:

IF you catch hard feelings then it will be much harder to let things end later down the road.

IF you (or him) are counting on you changing your mind about your deal breakers.

Or you’re hoping he’ll change his mind, which is also a big IF.

I’m sure there are plenty of stories you might hear about loving someone so much that the deal breakers don’t matter or they just find a way to make it work. Those stories are definitely real and definitely happen. But even those relationships take a lot of hard work, communication, and compromising. And let’s face the facts, those are rare relationships and most of us aren’t that lucky.

If you don’t think you’re going to marry him, then you probably aren’t going to marry him. You can continue to date him, trying to convince yourself that you can make it work long term. You might succeed, you probably won’t. I might sound a bit too harsh but I’ve been here before. I’ve been the one looking for an answer that will make me love the guy I don’t truly love. Yes, I care for him, yes we have good conversation or good sex (fill in here whatever it is that makes you want to keep dating him), and yes he’s good for me. But if I really, really loved him, I probably wouldn’t have been on the Internet looking for answers. And you wouldn’t either.

Now if you also answered yes for when I said he was good for me, then I’m going to assume you and I have a lot in common. You probably tend to date assholes (the Cheater, the Liar, the One who Couldn’t Commit – I’m sure you know at least one of them), undervalue yourself, and jump from guy to guy looking for that real love.

Well, Honey the good news is you’ve come along way if you’re now able to recognize a guy who is actually good for you, respects you, and supports you. This guy might not be The One and you probably still have some work to do for yourself but I’m confident the right one will come along when you’re ready. Until then, live your life, continue to date that guy or don’t, order that 5th margarita or don’t, sleep in on the weekend or don’t. Just try your best to judge yourself less for the past and honor yourself more for the future.

You have a lot of love to give, and any guy of your past or future is lucky to experience that love, but it’s time you gave that love to yourself.

Am I Single or Not?

I am… 100% single. I haven’t been asked to be someone’s girlfriend since I was 14 (oh the woes of middle school). So saying anything other than 100% single would make me the delusional, crazy girl. And yet…

I’m at least 10% taken, maybe even 50%. Or maybe I’m 50% crazy? Either way, the math isn’t looking too good for me.

If I was completely single then I would be going out with my friends and talking to guys guilt-free. I might start dating around and trying out all the dating apps. Or I might not be interested in getting involved with anyone at all and I might just be enjoying my family and a girls’ night in. No matter what way you shook it, I wouldn’t be thinking of a certain someone when I fall asleep every night.

So some of you might be asking “How the heck can you be half single?” (You probably didn’t but play along and be a good sport). Well, I’m glad you asked.

It’s actually pretty easy to be a little bit taken by someone. Friends with Benefits, the ‘talking’ stage of dating, and F*ck Buddies are all different types of 10% taken. Throughout my teen years I was often part of the unrequited love or the ‘crushing on my friend’ club. It’s near impossible to label this current guy (who will be nicknamed Stubborn from now on) so I won’t even try. Or more accurately, I haven’t been ready to face the reality that I’ve wasted countless months putting time and energy into a dead- end relationship. What I do know, for sure, is 10% taken was not a place I liked being.

I tried dating other people to get over Stubborn, I tried to force Stubborn to date me, and I tried breaking up my ‘non –relationship’ relationship with Stubborn (and yes, it’s super embarrassing calling it that and if he ever finds this blog, I plead the fifth).

Amazingly (read: predictably), none of that worked. There’s no fool -proof plan to getting in or out of your 10% taken relationship so I welcome all of you to try what I’ve tried and I hope something works for you (if you’ve had success, totally contact me so I can hear all the juicy details). If I’m honest though, I don’t think it’s going to work.

I’m in a 60% relationship with myself, and it took many years just to make it here. And I think until that number improves, I’ll only ever be half –in, half -out of these half -assed relationships. And even then, Stubborn would have to be in a healthy relationship with himself too before he could ever be serious with me.

The only advice I really can offer is to not beat yourself up about being stuck in a 10% taken relationship. Don’t shame yourself, don’t guilt yourself. Just try to be present with yourself and your reality. Trying to set timelines for the future just left me upset and disappointed when I didn’t reach them. You want to improve your relationship with yourself, not disappoint yourself by setting goals you might not be ready for. There will come a day when you love and respect yourself so much that you realize this guy doesn’t deserve you or he will realize what a fool he would be to lose you.

So I hope one day you can be 100% committed to yourself because there is no doubt, you are something worth holding on to.

 

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