Stubborn

Do you have a new favorite movie?

I watch your favorite movie

As an illusion to feel close to you

and I don’t know why I would want that.

I drive past your house 

to see if you’re really doing well without me.

As if I’d see a banner hanging from your front porch

saying that your biggest mistake was ever letting me go.

 

-June 2018

You never told me anything

The Truth

 

You should have told me you didn’t want me.

You should have told me I’m here to pass time.

You should have told me you’re sorry.

You should have told me your heart still belongs to her.

 

 

The Lies

 

You should have told me you want to see me.

You should have told me you think about me from sunrise to sunset.

You should have told me I’m beautiful and smart.

You should have told me you’d be lost without my support

You should have told me you love me.

 

-May 2019

Getting Closure on a Past Relationship

If you all remember Stubborn from late 2016, I became fed up with his lack of willingness to progress our relationship and decided to cut my losses in order to move forward.  Months into my current relationship and he was still hitting me up a couple of times. We never even dating! Granted he was contacting me to complain about his current girl problems and asking for advice.

He didn’t like me enough to ever date me but now he won’t leave me alone. It made no sense to me and I told him I wanted answers. In typical Stubborn fashion he danced around the question with redirects and telling me his problems so I’ll feel bad for him instead of angry.

He continued to express his frustration that the girl he was interested in would not hang out with him or pursue a relationship him. I pointed out just how ironic it was that he was complaining to ME about it and even told him I wrote an article on it. Then hell froze over and he actually apologized. It wasn’t an “I’m sorry but..” or “I’m sorry you feel this way..”. It was a straight I’m sorry. Perhaps he was finally owning up to some of the frustration and doubt he put me through. Finally he could relate so vividly to the exact spot he left me in.

I instantly felt different. Reading the words I’m sorry did something for me. Offered a type of closure and validation. There was finally no excuses nor holes in his explanations. Straightforward and clear, something I always wanted from Stubborn. My struggles and insecurities were validated. I had taken responsibility for the part I played in this delusion. Although he offered it late, he finally seemed to take his share of the blame and the closure was healing for me.

You don’t always get offered closure in relationships. It leaves you wondering where things went wrong, could it have been fixed, and your thoughts circle around your insecurities. I still don’t have all answers for why he always acted the way he did but I learned how to heal some of my insecurities.  

In the Eye of the Beholder

Life has a sense of humor and I couldn’t help but chuckle when both my exes texted me asking for relationship advice. I’m not exactly sure why they wanted my opinion and it was a bit of an awkward position to be in, but nevertheless I’m always rooting for love to win.

It was odd listening to Stubborn anxiously debating how soon he could text his girl and what she might be thinking when he wasn’t talking to her. The ironic way in which I related to him as he read deeply into her actions and phrases, trying to decipher if she likes him and if it was as much as he likes her. It was when he mentioned all the times he’s seen her lately, all he wanted to do for her and with her that I realized how delusional I was in thinking he ever liked me. I was quite embarrassed but that was quickly washed away by the shock of realizing my stubborn was someone else’s Mr Romantic.

For a girl he really cares for he will make time for her, try to dazzle her with his thoughtfulness, and make the effort to plan dates and trips with her. But as I said life has a sense of humor and unfortunately for my emotionally unavailable Stubborn, his girl is also a bit emotionally unavailable at the moment. For the other side of Stubborn being Mr. Right is Stubborn having his own Stubborn to plague his mind in the middle of the night picking apart sentence by sentence to see if she’ll love him or not. It’s a bit sweet to know the guy I pined for and was ignored by to be pining for a girl that is ignoring him.

Ironically, I’ve also met an amazing guy who was someone else’s Stubborn. She fell for him as he kept her as his friend and play thing for just about as long as Stubborn did with me. Everyone still single and on dating apps and the guys not seeing the girl who cared for them so deeply right in front of them. He might wander but he would always come back to her so he must secretly really care about her too right? She was crushing on him but he was only crushing her. The love we so desperately chased for two years, he freely and quickly gave to another who actually had his heart.

Our Stubborns did not love us and Thank God for that because they were not meant for us. We easily mistake our caring, gentle hearts for relationships and love. The men we grow to love and who truly love us back will eclipse every man before them into a faded memory just beyond reach. And we will laugh for ever thinking this resembled love.

Do We Ever Stop Thinking About Our Exes?

I don’t know if it was the nostalgia of the holidays or what but I’ve been thinking about my two ‘exes’ a lot. That’s actual total BS, it wasn’t the holidays because every time I hear a loud truck engine I think of Mr. Romantic and Stubborn’s favorite season is Fall so I thought about him and now it’s the month of the Capricorn so I think of him again.

I actually wrote a list of all the things that remind me of Stubborn, I titled it “Things Stubborn ‘ruined’ for Me”. Surprisingly, it wasn’t that long. So what gives? The guy never gave me the time of day so why 2-3 months later does going into his part of town affect me so much? I decided to play along with that 1 week for every month break up idea, turns out I’d still have 2 months and 3 weeks left. But that wouldn’t explain why I still think about Mr. Right, I should have been over him in 6 weeks.

Do I have an obsessive personality? I am I not over these boys? Do I feel like each ‘relationship’ was left unfinished? Am I a hopeless romantic caring too deeply?

I tend to give up on shows mid season so I don’t really think obsessive is right. Mr. Right and I don’t have a possible future together and Stubborn could never show his appreciation for me so I don’t really think it’s because they were ‘the one that got away’. So the only current option left is my hopeless romantic heart.

Mr. Romantic actually wished me a Happy Holidays last month so I don’t feel so weak for thinking about him because clearly he was thinking about me too. And I believe he’s a hopeless romantic as well so this just solidifies my own theory.

Hopeless Romantics always want love to work out. They constant seek out love and are warmed by the feeling. I don’t think any other feeling will compare to romantic love and therefore I cannot wait for the day I find it. But this idea often makes me a fool for love. I try forcing love where it is not (Stubborn) and I try stealing a love that is not meant for me (Mr. Right), trying to make a round peg fit into a square hole.

I think about my exes because they helped me learn what type of love I’m looking to receive and give to my future mate. And for that, I must Thank them. I also look forward to the day that old memories are replaces with new and that list shrinks down further till I rarely think of them at all.

Because God help me if I’m 50 and Eric Church’s Springsteen comes on the radio and I still think of Stubborn being 18 and falling in love with some girl he met before me.

 

The 35 Thoughts You Have When You See Your Ex on a Dating App

If you’ve been following my blog you’ll know I don’t really have an ex. If you’ve been following my blog you’ll still know exactly whom I’m talking about.

 

  1. WHAAATTTT??!!?
  2. Let me message him, “WASSUP FUCKER”
  3. But what if he ‘liked’ me back, what does that mean?
  4. What will he think if I ‘like’ his page…?
  5. FUCK, I’m thinking about this too much
  6. Wait, why does it say he’s that many miles away?
  7. That’s not where he is right now
  8. Stupid app.
  9. Oh, that’s where he was when he last logged in
  10. I didn’t know that how many miles apart we lived..
  11. God, he really sucked
  12. Why did his profile show up now?
  13. Did he just get the app?
  14. Have I gone through all the pages that have recently logged in and now I’m on pages that never log in…
  15. What’s the algorithm of this app
  16. Who am I kidding, he just reactivated his account. Probably because I just reactivated mine..
  17. I’m thinking too much again.
  18. Do NOT feel guilty or like you have to explain yourself for being on a dating app
  19. Omg, all his pictures are like 5 years old
  20. Why does his group of friends do that?
  21. His friends were probably another red flag..
  22. Homie, you wish you still looked like that
  23. Oh this one’s kinda recent
  24. He only likes that picture because I had told him I liked that jacket… Fucker.
  25. What’s up with all these gazing off into the distance pictures
  26. This picture is horrible quality, why would he even put that up
  27. Alright, I’ve got it, he should put this picture first.
  28. This one second, then third.
  29. Oh, delete this one.
  30. Why is he even on here? He’s too emotionally unavailable to date anyone.
  31. I hope the next girl is smarter than me.
  32. Maybe in 5 years he’ll actually be ready to date someone
  33. OMG. What if he finds the love of his life right now?
  34. Ugh, Fuck it. He can do whatever he wants.
  35. I’m done.

 

 

Step Up or Step Away

So there was this girl and her friend introduced her to this guy. And they would talk all night, every night. They went on dates all the time, their favorite being the movie theater. They dated for a few months but it was still pretty new when friends of the girl started hearing that the guy was still talking to other girls.

She was devastated and didn’t want to believe what her friends were telling her but she ended things with Guy because if she wasn’t the only girl in his life then she didn’t want to be in his life at all! They separated for a few months and the distance helped Guy realize he lost someone really special. He did his best to win her back and continues to do so till this day many years later. He stepped up, became a better man, and I don’t think he’ll ever have to be without her again.

Many girls nowadays (myself included) find themselves in a similar situation to Girl, they know a guy who cares about them but he’s worried about failure, getting hurt, or missing out on some imaginary girl down the road. He’s not emotionally ready so they find themselves on breaks or in ‘almost’ relationships, wanting their guy to step up for them. And you know what emotionally unready guys tend to do? They tend to hurt you; They talk down on you to take out their anger, they make plans with you but then ditch, and they make you feel like this minimal effort is all you deserve.

And then these girls are worried that they won’t find someone better, they’re too emotionally attached, or they just don’t want to be lonely so they let these half relationships continue instead of waiting for a guy who truly values them. You deserve so much MORE!

We all wish that our guy will be like Guy, that he’ll realize what he’s lost and he’ll step up. I think that’s the fairytale and not reality. I didn’t tell you about Guy and Girl to get your hopes up. I told you about them so that you might realize when you step away you finally allow yourself to be open to the guy who wants to step up.

Sincerely stepping away is hard and it might take a few tries before you’re really ready for it. You have to cut all ties, delete him from social media, and allow yourself alone time to heal and the bleeding for him to stop. But you (and I) deserve someone who supports, encourages, and respects you.

This isn’t me telling you to step up, this is me telling you I’m stepping away.

 

Photo Credit