writing

Ramblings to Bleu

And I wonder if you think about me

if you wrote about me

if you’ve moved on

I wonder what you told your sister about us

and what she thinks about me now that its over

You have a beautiful mind

and I saw it again today.

Would you have been too much for me if you had let us have a real chance?

Or would you have lifted me into the light?

You sparked something deep and vulnerable in me

and I don’t think I ever got the chance to thank you for that.

I don’t always understand your songs

but would you let me listen one more time?

Record one more just for me

-April 2017

PC

Picky Daters

For me, first dates take a lot of mental effort. It requires you to carve out new time in your routine, the nervousness of meeting someone new, and as a reserved and introverted being, the social draining from constant conversation for multiple hours.

For these reasons, I don’t jump at every date. If I’ve only been talking to a guy about really trivial things for the past three days then I may want more time getting to know him before agreeing to give him my free afternoon. I’ve been coerced into first dates before and have learned to stick with my gut now. There’s always going to be a few things you have in common with a stranger, that doesn’t mean you’re meant to be.

It’s also important I ask what their intentions are before agreeing to meet up as well. I want to go on an actual date, not just chill at your house or in your car. Those can be part of the date but not the main event. I want to know that you’re making an effort to get to know me not just buying your time before you try to shove your tongue down my throat.

So I’m picky about who I agree to go on dates with. I’m not looking to waste anyone’s time, money, or gas. If I agree to go on a date with you then it’s because I think there will end up being more than one date. I don’t want to go on 50 first dates, I want to develop something deeper than that. I’m worth getting to know and I’m worth the effort of planning a date.

 

Dagger in My Heart

You talk about her and it’s not the dagger in my heart I thought it would be.

Still aimed in my direction it whispers right past my ear, the dagger of self doubt.

If it’s your true love I’ll gladly lay down in defeat but you speak with lust

and I can’t reason your insecurities this time.

There’s a line of new girls you’re hoping will take your mind off her.

I wonder why you keep me at a distance

when I’m a master of distraction and seduction.

-May 2017

 

To Ghost or Not to Ghost (Dating Honesty)

You could be getting to know a guy, only talking to him for a couple of days but it’s the weekend so he’s rushing a date you’re not really sure you want to go on yet. Or after talking for a bit you realize you’re not really interested in him, but you both already talked about your mutual love of tacos and a date was hatched days ago when you were more open to the idea (and you just can’t resist tacos).

There are two ways to get out of a date you don’t really want to go on. You either make up an excuse or be completely straight forward. Although I think it’s good to be honest and not lead someone on, some people do not accept no as an answer. Then there’s confrontation that could lead to you being guilted to go on the date anyway!

I’ve been on both sides of ghosting. Sometimes you’re both on the same page, the messages back and forth have become sporadic and you’ve both lost interest but you’re being polite in conversation. Some times I ghost you because I don’t want to hurt your feelings, you’re a nice guy with a solid job but our conversations have been bland and we just don’t have the chemistry. There’s nothing wrong with you so I don’t want you to start thinking that there is or resenting being told that you’re a ‘nice guy’. Other times I ghost you because I don’t want to deal with the backlash of your butt hurt feelings. You telling me how high you are at work everyday. We have different ideas of what fun is and I’m beginning to question how you’d handle life and stress in the future. I ghost you because I don’t want confrontation or to be bullied just because we’re not really a great match.

I get why people hate being ghosted though. You thought everything was going well and suddenly nothing. You wonder where it went wrong, if there was just a misunderstanding that could be worked out, what’s wrong with you that he left, or was it just that he found someone better? It’s arguably one of the worst dating etiquettes to break because it can really tear down someone’s self worth. It could be the reason someone gives up on love and the reason they stop loving themselves.

The thing is though, maybe the reason he leaves is the reason another man stays. Should you be constantly molding yourself, cutting off limbs so that you will be to his liking? You’re not meant to fit into everyone’s perfect match checklist box. And it’s a heavy burden to take responsibility of everyone’s self esteem. Just because someone leaves doesn’t mean you have to devalue yourself.

So ghost or not ghost, you’re still a person of worth.

 

Writer in the Dark

Lorde has finally blessed us with a second album and it concretes the fact that she is a lyrical genius! As a poet myself, I could fawn over her lyrics forever, dissecting lines 5 different ways, each one so beautiful and smart. A song that stood out to me though was Writer in the Dark.

“Bet you rue the day you kissed a writer in the dark”

Writing about my exes as I do on this blog made this message very relatable for me. There are many moments when I battle with my guilt of writing about them. Do I really have to say it like that? Should I not have included when he did this? How would I feel if someone wrote this about me? Will they never want to talk to me again if they read this?

“I’ll love you ’til my breathing stops
I’ll love you ’til you call the cops on me”

I feel deeply, putting my heart and efforts into every experience. I love love, it’s something I desire and have always daydreamed about. So I dwell on my past relationship experiences because maybe if I examine them close enough I will find the hidden map to true love. I haven’t experienced it yet but this is the closest I’ve gotten so far so these are important to me.

“Now she’s gonna play and sing and lock you in her heart”

The relationship is over but memories still play in my mind and I like to write about my theories and emotions.  I enjoy writing, creating a message, and having an audience feel and relate to an emotion. When I write, it’s my opinion, my perspective, how I hurt and feel. But it’s completely subjective, only one side of the story and therefore only half the facts. I think it’s important for an audience to keep that in mind no matter what they’re reading.

I would probably regret this, but I do wish I could read an article an ex wrote about me. I could learn how they viewed the events and what they were feeling. Aside from learning about them, I would hope to also learn something about myself and become more self aware. And maybe I’d feel a bit less guilty once both sides of the story are out.